PS When I said she was only with him for the money it’s because he used to have a good pay working off shore but then he got hurt and had to stop from work.  Money was going down for them until they almost had to sell some of their personal stuff to live. According to him she used to spend a lot of money and he also wondered whether she was ‘stealing’ his money to put into her account. Then, when they were in debt she claimed to have stopped loving him and wanted to separate from him.  This is why he said she was with him for the money and I believed him and was also sorry for him and angry at how a wife can do that to her loving husband.  He had stopped her from working before they even got married and he always worked for the family.. He hardly used to buy anything for him because he always gave priority to his wife and kids. He also said that he had spent 3 miserable months after she left where he had lost a lot of weight – he even showed me pictures – and also was on antidepressants.  I felt sorry for him and I thought he was genuine.

Hi Anita,

its me again :/. More than 3 months have passed and I can’t seem to get over him. I was moving on slowly but last week I saw he has a new girl and my heart broke into pieces. This is so contradictory because I don’t want him back but I surely still love him. I have quite a few men who are interested in me but I can’t seem to like any of them. I keep on thinking about him. I tried to do several things to move on, exercise, yoga, Travel, go out with friends and socialize, journaling, practicing gratitude but my heart still belongs to him.

A month or so after we broke up, he wanted us to give it another try. I met him a couple of times but didn’t feel the same with him. I couldn’t believe a word he said and thought that this wasn’t going to work. I was seeing him hooking up and liking other nice girls’ pictures whilst he was trying to get me back. So I just couldn’t go back with him.

Yet, I’m here, full of anxiety, thinking about him and about his new girl, how in love they look they are. And I’m still alone, stuck to him in my heart and my mind. I really need to move on.. I need help!!

Hi Anita,

I had stopped all contact with that guy.  Never seen him or talked to him since then.  I live in a small Island and people know each other. I got to know he hooked up with a beautiful girl, nurse by profession, after a month we broke up but apparently it only lasted for 4 months!

Yes, I met this guy 3 months after I broke up with the therapist… I thought I had healed from the pain but it is clear I was not.  I fell for his nice words and charm!

I had been married for 12 years (2005-2017) and even though my husband was a great man, he never gave me any care and attention, nor complimented me and we had 10 minutes sex every 2 months – if i’m lucky, and always treated me ‘like his mother’, sometimes even shouting at me or blaming me for nothing. He had no other women; his mobile had no password and his social media accounts were always open on his laptop. He never hid anything from me in this regard but after 8 years of  marriage I found out he had a porn addiction.  He tried to work on it but by time things got back to square one. We then both grew out of love and decided to part ways, very amicably.

I came to this because I think that what was happening to me was that I was falling for the charm and attention of a new guy.  I let both of them sweep me off my feet before I got to know them properly.  Now I need to work on myself, be strong, love myself and the moment I stop missing being with someone would be the moment that I will allow myself to fall in love again.

Elle

Dear Anita,

Thank you!

I am very hurt.. he’s putting up stories on fb with quotes such as “the moment love becomes demanding, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom. Love knows no boundaries, love cannot be jealous because love never possess. It is ugly, the very idea that you possess somebody because you love….. Only things can be possessed. Loves gives Freedom, Love is Freedom!”

I swear I never told him not to go out, to the contrary, I used to tell him to go out and meet his friends. I only expected to be told what he did and where he went during the day and I have always told him to do whatever he likes as long as he respects me and doesn’t do anything behind my back that he wouldn’t do in front of me.  These are the things that I wanted.  Was I being too demanding?? I used to tell him every single detail of my day!!! All I wanted was transparency and honesty!!

I don’t know if I should answer him or totally let him go… It’s not nice that he’s putting me to shame and try to look nice with his friends, family and acquaintances… I’m so hurt.  I can’t seem to take him off my mind!

Elle

Dear Anita,

What do you mean by ‘declare it broken’ please? Are you referring to their ‘friendship’?

I’m sorry but I’m feeling too hurt and angry right now… thinking about it I’m already getting anxious.  Moreover, I’m afraid I would then think that this is just a ‘fake’ thing in front of me that they’re doing.  I cannot believe neither her or him, at this point. The messages stopped abruptly after the incident, so I believe that they were both aware that what they were doing was wrong.  Otherwise they would have just continued with their normal chats between friends.

Meanwhile please note that he is always on his own in the mornings whilst i’m at work.  Her school is about 5 minutes drive from where he lives.  I wouldn’t know what he does whilst i’m at work.. apparently there were times when he went to visit his sister and her during school, according to him, just to say hi and have a chat with them.

I am not ready, at least for the time being for sure, to face both of them together! I would probably die before I get there! I don’t like her at all and I don’t know how I will react when seeing her face.

Elle

Hi Sege,

Thank you for answering me.

When I left him, I had left a note (quite a long one) on his kitchen table.  (He knew I was packing up my things to leave him for good – so I didn’t leave him over a note)  I was very angry and I don’t exactly remember what I wrote. I know I told him that I could not live with his character anymore and as much as I was hoping for a future with him, I couldn’t possibly live like this. I told him that I was grateful for the nice things but I was feeling he was changing my personality….

After that I spent two days at home, on my own, just thinking whether I had made the right decision.  Two days later, when I was calmer, I wrote him a very long letter, telling him that I needed to write the letter to have a closure because I was too angry when I wrote the note and I didn’t want that to be my final words to him.  In the letter, I explained to him what bothered me a lot and also mentioned and thanked him for the lovely things he did for me. I ended the letter by wishing him well and more success in his business.

I went to post it in his letter box (was too anxious to send it by post) and texted him before to let him know. Told him it’s a letter which I needed to give him for me to make a closure.  He said ‘whatever you’re posting, I will NEVER read’.

Two weeks after that I texted him as I had left something at his place that I wanted to retrieve.  He asked me if we should meet up and talk and I said yes. I knew I didn’t want to go back but I wanted to hear something, anything at all, from him. We met. First he came in very cheerfully and kissed me on my cheek.  Then he sat down and said ‘tell me’.  I said that it’s his turn to speak now as I had left him a note and eventually a letter (1500 words!) for which he replied that he never read the letter! When he saw that I had no intention of going back, he just wanted to leave..  I was almost ‘begging’ him to say something but he was like, ‘I have nothing to say, I better leave.  You look happier and calmer and deserve to be so’ and he left.

Since then, we never made contact again. And this is probably what’s killing me.  It’s like subconsciously I wanted him to tell me that it was not my fault and he was the one who fucked it up or perhaps and apology – maybe to have a clear conscience and ease the pain – but obviously he would never do so.

I am very much aware that I might fall for a similar guy, maybe due to some childhood events that happened to me.  So I am now going for Cognitive Analytic Therapy to start the road to understanding and loving myself.  I do not intend to go into another relationship until I’m happy and in love with my own self and wouldn’t need a man to make me happy.  It’s tough, tougher than I thought, as I’m the kind of person who loves to give, most of the time forgetting about myself. I’m a people pleaser, love to help and would do anything to see other people happy and see to their needs before I see to my own. Hopefully I’ll be better and I’ll get rid once and for all of my guilt feelings (even when it’s not my fault), my insecurities and self-worth issues. Meanwhile I’m also engaging myself in activities and planning holiday trips.

I just hope the road to recovery isn’t very long!!

Elle

Dear Sege,

I’m not a perfect woman, far from it, however I was not imagining things.

I was walking on egg shells all the time in this relationship… he was so sensitive and insecure. I described him as awesome as he was very intense, he showered me with compliments, he took me to great places, left love notes everywhere for me, changed his schedule to be all the time with me and seemed to love me. However his moods and character was very difficult to handle. I had to give him my full attention all the time, i had to reassure him often, i had to tell him WHY I love him. I couldn’t speak about my past, at all! He was jealous of my exes and my past. He used to shut me up as soon as I’m about to speak about an experience I had in the past.  I had to ask him before I take any decisions, I had to be careful how I speak to him since he used to get offended very easily and I ended up being very cautious how to speak with him, afraid of contradicting him and if he gets upset, he gets even more insecure and controlling. He himself admitted that when he’s insecure he becomes controlling. And when he’s controlling I get detached and he gets even more insecure and it was a viscious cycle. He was constantly afraid I’ll leave him.

He had told me he loved me  and was talking about our future very soon in the relationship… we hardly new each other. I was a bit taken aback but I believed it was true. (Apparently he says these things to all girlfriends )

You mentioned the wooden spoon and his childhood. It was him who told me that his mum used to beat him with it. It was him who told me that his mum used to disown him and treating him she’ll commit suicide. I did not invent this.

It’s been almost two months that we’re not together, I’m still thinking about him and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. At first I used to think he’s a psychopath but after a lot of reading I think he has a LOT of borderline traits. I know it’s wrong to try to understand why he was acting the way he did but I just can’t help it.

He’s a relationships therapist himself and he goes for personal therapy every week so he can hide certain traits. However from his past relationships it’s easy to say that they were very unstable .

I’m not looking for a Hollywood love story but I want to be in a relationship that allow me to be happy and to be myself .

Elle