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Should i forgive and forget or should i just move on??

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #294661

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Sorry, it’s long!

    I am 37, separated with no kids and my bf is 31, separated, with two kids from his ex-wife and his first born from a relation he had prior to meeting his ex-wife. We started dating 9 months ago… First two weeks where like a fairy tale then he had to leave for work (he works offshore on 4 weeks rotation). We kept in contact when he was away, and video called each other every day.  He came back and we went for a short holiday together, it was when he said I love you first (after just 7 weeks).  We seemed to be so intertwined with each other.  We gave a lot of attention to each other, missed each other etc… It was such a lovely period where we were both falling in love with each other like crazy. He seemed very happy and according to him, the happiest he’s been as he finally found an understanding, beautiful woman who he can be open with.

    Before we met, after he separated from his wife (he separated 7 months before he actually met me, and it was from her side, she stopped loving him, and he was totally devastated) he started going out with his sister (40) and her best friend (48) who is also a family friend.  This woman and my bf had built a certain bond between them and they became ‘special friends’.  I knew about her and the first time I actually met her during a family wedding, 2 months into dating, I immediately felt/realised she liked him from the way she greeted me, which was a ‘hi’ and she turned away. When I asked him about it he said that she does have a soft spot for him, but they are just friends. I accepted it and It stopped there. I never told him not to message her or anything… she was just a female friend and he seemed to be head over heals in love with me.

    Roll on 5 months from the beginning of our relationship and he went for a guys’ night out with his boy-friends. At a point, in the beginning of the night, he sent me a selfie of him with his two boy-friends, on a table at this particular lounge/restaurant drinking Rose wine. The following day I asked him how the night has been and he briefly explained the night; at a point just mentioned they bumped into his sister and her friend.  5 days later I see a picture on FB of his sister with her friend, dining at the same place as him, having rose wine as well, possibly on the same table. I asked him about it and there is where all the lies came coming out. At first he told me they bumped into them and decided to dine with them and later he said that he found out last minute his sister was going out to the same place so decided to join them. (1. please note that this is a busy restaurant and it’s not easy to go and get a table for 5 without reservation, 2. If he had planned to have a guys’ night out, I don’t think it’s on for him to do last minute changes and meet his girl-friends together with his mates) Then, even the details of the night were getting different from what he had briefly explained.  I couldn’t believe him and was thinking that he deliberately hid from me since there was this ‘special’ friend of his. He kept on insisting that they are just friends and nothing ever happened between them. Two weeks later he ‘confessed’ after I told him to tell me the truth, that they had agreed upon this night only a day before and he did not tell me because 1. I had other plans anyway, 2. They were planning to go clubbing (just the boys) after they’re done from this lounge.  I decided to believe him but my instinct knew there was something I don’t know. When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately that they met them and dined on the same table and he even sent a picture misleading me, he told me that his ex-wife was very jealous and not understanding and he would hide to her in order not to create any arguments. So, his first reaction was that of hiding, even though there was nothing.

    After that night, I met this woman twice.  First time during a family picnic where she tried to make a fool out of me, being rude to me and ignoring me etc etc.. I spoke to him about it and he got the excuse that she’s like that with everyone especially until she gets to know a person. Then I met her again on his mum’s birthday dinner, we were only 5 of us on a table and again she totally shut me out. Especially since these incidents happened, I wasn’t happy, I was getting more and more anxious, feeling that there is/was something I really need to know.  I asked him to tell me what there is/was between them several times and he always insisted there’s nothing but they’re just good friends. At one point he told me she finds him very hot, another time he told me that they had mutually agreed that they cannot possibly be with each other, at other times he tells me that he isn’t even attracted to her.  I couldn’t believe him, I was hearing too many contradictions and lies. For the past 3 months, whenever her name comes up, I used to ask him about her, hear ‘lies’ and get anxious.  He couldn’t keep up with my anxiety because it was because of him.  He was telling me that there is nothing else that I don’t know and to please stop talking about her as there really is nothing, that this is getting out of hand and that he had nothing else to say or do about her to reassure me.

    I tried to shut up as much as I could, even though my anxiety was killing me. I wasn’t trusting him.  I didn’t want to push him away, nagging about the same thing, but then I couldn’t hold it any longer.  Last week I was really anxious and after a conversation about her, I asked him to show me her chats! At first he did not want to, he told me that if he does so, he’s going to resent me, then he told me that by doing so he would go down the same road he was with his wife, and finally he told me ‘ok, I’ll show them to you, but not now, when you are calm because now you will interpret everything wrong.’ He then tried using his mobile, telling me that he’s just scrolling and didn’t want me near him.  I knew he was trying to delete messages… At a point I snatched it from his hand and I found out very playful conversations, not every day, but with sexual innuendos.  He sent him her selfies and he sent her his pictures including shirtless pics with his abs showing. He told her stuff like, ‘sexy and a naughty devil’s icon’ after one of the selfies. Or once she said something after he sent her a shirtless pics and then he went ‘and I haven’t even touched you’. Or she sends him ‘missing you’ or ‘thinking of you’ or she sends him loads of hearts and kisses and stuff. These mainly happened during the first 3 months of us together. One day, two months into our dating, she texted him in the morning ‘thanks for the surprise’ to which he answered ‘that was my plan, dear. I just landed in…. ’  He was on his way to work and I had just dropped him off at the airport and he had just left me a loving card on my bedside table before he left – when I asked him about it, he couldn’t even remember what the surprise was.  It was also very clear there were some messages deleted but he kept on denying this. They also had a video chat on one particular night, when he was off-shore and he was feeling down. I also found out on the messages that they had agreed on that night out, a good 3 weeks in advance!

    I was mad and furious… I grabbed my bags and left!

    To be fair, these messages had stopped 3-4 months ago, when this thing of his night out happened and I was suspecting there’s something.  Since then, there were only a couple of normal messages (one liners with no hearts and kisses).

    He is now trying to explain that there was absolutely nothing between them and that is just the way they talk and joke with each other. He told me that he had stopped everything the minute he thought he was going to lose me and he never told me the whole truth because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me. He was afraid to tell me to go out with them because he knew how she is and wanted us (me and her) to get to know each other before we all go out together.  He’s begging me to stay, telling me that he never cheated on me and that he loves me. That he never meant to hurt me and that he’s utterly sorry for what happened and for how he made me feel.  He is not eating and sleeping.  I told him I need to move on but deep down I don’t know what I should do.

    What is worrying me the most, is not the kind of relationship they had, even though those were not appropriate messages at all, but the fact that no matter how many times I asked him, no matter how bad with anxiety he used to see me, he never came clean about her. He lied and lied and was never vulnerable enough to come clean.  If he did, I would have probably been mad for a short while, tried to understand and appreciate the fact that he’s owning up to his mistakes and perhaps I could see a real man in front of me.  But now all I’m seeing is someone who was hiding from me and lying to me!

    These last three months, he stayed home because the company stopped all contracts and will resume work again in a month.  He spent ALL evenings with me, including weekends – it was his decision not to go out with friends at night.  We used to sleep together every night, either at his house or at my house. Sometimes he also drove me to work.  We were inseparable. We loved being with each other.  We did everything together. When he had his kids, once a week, we used to take all 3 of them out to nice places and spaces suitable for them, I loved them and they loved me. He loved that fact and told me plenty of times that I’m much of a better parent then their own mothers. He mentioned several times that he had never received such love and care from his gf and her family. Even though I was trying to build my trust back in him after that incident, I loved him with all my heart and so did my family. Our sex was great and he seemed very happy with me. He used the flaunt me with everyone and tell them I’m the apple of his eye. He told me that I’m now his life and that he won’t live without me.

    I am now so confused! What shall I do? Shall I forget and go back with him or shall I just move on? He promised me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, even if it means he opt out of family do’s, because of her. But I’m scared. I’m scared he’d lie to me again if something else is to happen – not just with this woman.  Also, I’m thinking that if there really was nothing, what he was doing was to get attention from another woman, which I don’t like, especially considering it was done during the first months, when we were falling in love with each other and when he was telling me the most beautiful of words. I think this is a huge sign of immaturity or that he’s a perv. I’m so confused… PLEASE HELP!!!

    • This topic was modified 4 months ago by  Elle Bee.
    • This topic was modified 4 months ago by  Elle Bee.
    #294683

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle Bee:

    Welcome back!

    Your boyfriend of nine months had a sort of relationship, a series-of-interactions with a woman close to her fifties while he was only thirty. This series of interactions started before he met you and continued into his relationship with you. I think he felt really good to be viewed as the desirable, young man, being appreciated for his youth by this much older woman. In her company he was.. a teenager, perhaps. It made him feel… maybe, forever young.

    He lied to you about her because he wanted that feeling of forever young to continue, to keep her giving him the attention and admiration for his… youth.

    At this point, if I was you, I would demand that he sets a meeting between you, him and this woman, all sitting together for a conversation. I wouldn’t get back together with him unless this happens first and unless that meeting satisfies me. If the meeting satisfied me, then I would figure out a few rules in regard to her and his outings at night without you, if such are to be at all!

    What says you?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
    #294689

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for getting back to me.  I don’t think I can meet this woman again.  Firstly because I would get the urge to kill her (even if i’m not capable to kill a fly) and secondly because she is obviously going to deny there was something between them and tries to make a fool out of me again. This women is a wealthy stuck-up bi***.  She owns a school where he used to send his young ones (apparently for free) and where his sister works. She is separated with 3 grown up kids and she is currently seeing a married man, my bf’s age, and he goes to her house every Sunday.  She’s a woman of NO VALUES!  I don’t think I can face her, at least definitely not for the time being… and I don’t think he’ll like the idea as he knows we don’t like each other one bit!

    Elle

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Elle Bee.
    #294695

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle Bee:

    My idea of the meeting is for you to see for yourself, to see your boyfriend assert himself with her right there and then, in your presence and tell her what you need to hear him say. The purpose of the meeting is not to make nice, to repair anything. It is to declare it broken!

    It will probably be a very short meeting and that is all it needs to be- it doesn’t take long to break. It takes long to build, or repair. So do the meeting somehow, somewhere, it won’t last long enough for her to extend any kind of b*&** behavior toward you.

    anita

    #294699

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What do you mean by ‘declare it broken’ please? Are you referring to their ‘friendship’?

    I’m sorry but I’m feeling too hurt and angry right now… thinking about it I’m already getting anxious.  Moreover, I’m afraid I would then think that this is just a ‘fake’ thing in front of me that they’re doing.  I cannot believe neither her or him, at this point. The messages stopped abruptly after the incident, so I believe that they were both aware that what they were doing was wrong.  Otherwise they would have just continued with their normal chats between friends.

    Meanwhile please note that he is always on his own in the mornings whilst i’m at work.  Her school is about 5 minutes drive from where he lives.  I wouldn’t know what he does whilst i’m at work.. apparently there were times when he went to visit his sister and her during school, according to him, just to say hi and have a chat with them.

    I am not ready, at least for the time being for sure, to face both of them together! I would probably die before I get there! I don’t like her at all and I don’t know how I will react when seeing her face.

    Elle

    #294705

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle:

    I understand. By declaring it broken I meant that following my suggested meeting (now withdrawn), he will have no contact with her whatsoever, that if he happens to see her by accident, there will not even be a hello.

    The title of your thread is “Should I forgive and forget or should I  just move on??”- reads to me that you can’t forgive and forget and you can’t move on at this point.

    If I was you, I am thinking, I would move on because the trust is gone. I would mourn whatever good was in the relationship and leave it behind.

    He shouldn’t have lied to you, he shouldn’t have betrayed your trust in him. If he is saddened by a breakup with you, well, that is the consequence of what he chose to do, behind your back, again and again.. and yet again.

    anita

    #294729

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Elle Bee,

    I hate to say it, but if she is:

    1. A family friend

    2. Works at the same place as his sister and

    3. Has known him for a decade or so…

    She is not going to just simply leave his life. Sure, there could be nine months or even a year where you don’t see her. But you will surely hear OF her and ABOUT her. She is in the atmosphere.

    And make no mistake, she gets off on being the alluring older woman. This hot younger guy apparently thinks she is desirable too! Now, I don’t think they did anything necessarily. But the selfies, texts, the heavy duty flirting, the “mention-itis” of her name all the time, the planning to see her and his sister to meet in secret a freaking three weeks in advance….

    Listen, you aren’t married to the boy. Just tell him you want a break. He’ll know why. You don’t want to be competing with some fifty year old. Life’s hard enough.

    Best,

    Inky

    #294747

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for your reply. They only knew each other for about 4 years but he only got close to her after his separation. He didn’t mention her name often, to the contrary, he used to avoid mentioning her because he knew I would get upset and start it up again. But sometimes, as you said, her name had to be brought up!!

    Anita and Inky, yes I’m going to move forward. I had always showed him so during the conversations of last week, following me leaving. I told him that I can’t trust him anymore.

    I just met him quickly as I had something with him that I needed to have. He asked how I am and I showed him I’m not good. He said he’s moving on. So yes, I will now surely move on too!! Pity he saw me in an almost disastrous state…

    Thank you for your insight and help, I truly appreciate.

     

    Elle

    #294753

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle:

    You are welcome. I am sorry for this heartache, in this relationship ending. You had hopes and dreams in this context and those are gone. It is sad when that happens.

    Please feel free to post anytime, it may help you to express your thoughts and feelings in the days/ weeks to come. I will be glad to read from you anytime and reply to you.

    anita

    #294885

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you!

    I am very hurt.. he’s putting up stories on fb with quotes such as “the moment love becomes demanding, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom. Love knows no boundaries, love cannot be jealous because love never possess. It is ugly, the very idea that you possess somebody because you love….. Only things can be possessed. Loves gives Freedom, Love is Freedom!”

    I swear I never told him not to go out, to the contrary, I used to tell him to go out and meet his friends. I only expected to be told what he did and where he went during the day and I have always told him to do whatever he likes as long as he respects me and doesn’t do anything behind my back that he wouldn’t do in front of me.  These are the things that I wanted.  Was I being too demanding?? I used to tell him every single detail of my day!!! All I wanted was transparency and honesty!!

    I don’t know if I should answer him or totally let him go… It’s not nice that he’s putting me to shame and try to look nice with his friends, family and acquaintances… I’m so hurt.  I can’t seem to take him off my mind!

    Elle

    #294899

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle:

    Reads to me that he is angry and is trying to hurt you and is successful, so far. That is a shame. What he quoted there about love cannot be jealous, that is taken from the bible so he put together some things he heard in songs, a piece of bible quoted, nonsense really, in the context of what happened with you.

    He told you recently that “there was absolutely nothing between them”- he lied. I suppose when he wrote: “Love gives Freedom, Love is Freedom”, he meant love gives Freedom to Lie, Love is Freedom to Lie.

    I will edit the first part of his message as well: “the moment love becomes demanding that I stop lying, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom to lie.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    #294911

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes you are so right. I just promised myself I will not go on his profile again, I have unfollowed him too, so nothing comes up on my feed. I’m not gonna go shallow like him and answer him back…

    That chapter is closed… He is an immature kid and I surely deserve better.

    Thanks again for listening Anita, respect!

    Elle

    #294913

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle:

    You are welcome. I was wondering, what happened with the other guy, the relationship therapist in your last thread. I think you met this recent guy a month after that breakup?

    anita

    #294921

    Elle Bee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I had stopped all contact with that guy.  Never seen him or talked to him since then.  I live in a small Island and people know each other. I got to know he hooked up with a beautiful girl, nurse by profession, after a month we broke up but apparently it only lasted for 4 months!

    Yes, I met this guy 3 months after I broke up with the therapist… I thought I had healed from the pain but it is clear I was not.  I fell for his nice words and charm!

    I had been married for 12 years (2005-2017) and even though my husband was a great man, he never gave me any care and attention, nor complimented me and we had 10 minutes sex every 2 months – if i’m lucky, and always treated me ‘like his mother’, sometimes even shouting at me or blaming me for nothing. He had no other women; his mobile had no password and his social media accounts were always open on his laptop. He never hid anything from me in this regard but after 8 years of  marriage I found out he had a porn addiction.  He tried to work on it but by time things got back to square one. We then both grew out of love and decided to part ways, very amicably.

    I came to this because I think that what was happening to me was that I was falling for the charm and attention of a new guy.  I let both of them sweep me off my feet before I got to know them properly.  Now I need to work on myself, be strong, love myself and the moment I stop missing being with someone would be the moment that I will allow myself to fall in love again.

    Elle

    #294925

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elle:

    Your story fits with what I already know, mental/ emotional health is not that common! True to the three men in your life, the ex husband, the relationship therapist whose own relationships were quite sick (not surprised his newer relationship lasted only four months), and this recent man.

    Better take your time now to learn more from these three experiences, learn and evaluate a man before getting emotionally and physically involved with him. The easy ones, I suppose: does the man have a porn addiction? Does he lie, does he lie repeatedly? And what I would be looking for, if I was single: what is the man’s relationship with his mother.

    You live in a small island, that means there are not a lot of men/ single men available for future dating, in the future, that is, when you are ready?

    anita

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