Dear Anita,

Yes… this was my question too! It was surely a lie but he was always very good at talking me out of my insecurities and he always seemed so honest…

Oh well… I doubt how I can ever be in another relationship. I’m sooo afraid and even though I feel so empty inside and as much as I love being in a relationship so as I can share my life, my daily things, my thoughts, my dreams with another person, I just don’t want to find someone else. I’m so so afraid I will get hurt again and I won’t be able to trust any future man 🙁

Elle

Hi Anita,

Yes his father was always there… he is still with his mother and I met him too a couple of times but he doesn’t speak much about his father.  He does speak to his father and also get a lot of help from him (such as help in house maintenance etc..)

As for the other points… I don’t know what to say.

When I mentioned that i’m thinking he’s a psychopath, was not of what people were saying, but there was this article highlighting the red flags of a psychopath. This guy is all the listed things, such as: he’s incredibly charming, smooth talker, quickly divulging personal details, easy going, fun to be with, always on the go, makes me feel special, looking at me, shower me with attention and affection, divulged his ‘true’ feelings for me very quickly etc…

I guess he was like that with girlfriends before me too.  In the beginning of our relationship I had met this girl who used to date him to.  We realised coincidentally since we were doing something together and I was telling how this guy sweeps me off my feet. She said that he used to do same things to her but eventually he turned out to be very controlling.  I thought she was just jealous even though she used to date him 4 years earlier.  When I confronted him he put the blame on her and told me that he acted that way because she was not trust worthy and he managed to justify everything she had told me.

With her he also mentioned the future etc and told her more or less the same things he used to tell me.  I tried not to think about it but unfortunately it was always at the back of my mind.  When I asked him about the nice things he did with us both and that i’m not as special as he says I am, he said, ”that’s me, I love to leave notes for my girls etc etc.. If you were in love with another person before me, didn’t you tell him nice things too?” And I sort of believed him…

Something else that used to bother me was that he liked woman and he was open about that with me.  Once in the first few dates he had told me he has a crush on a particular girl.  Another time he was abroad on work and he went with colleagues to a club and he was telling me how much he liked this dancer and couldn’t get his eyes off her.  He also had sexual fantasies about her and when he saw I didn’t like that he said, ”don’t you have sexual fantasies when you see a beautiful man? Don’t say no as you wouldn’t be normal” I don’t know, but is this right? I always showed him that i’m not a happy bunny with him talking like this about other woman and obviously he stopped mentioning anything of the sort.

I don’t know what to think anymore at this stage… I’m so lost!

Hi Anita,

I came across a website and I am now thinking he might be a Psychopath… http://psychopathsandlove.com/red-flags-of-a-psychopath/ He matched with all the red flags :/ I’m sorry i’m contacting you again… but I so miss him, even though he was probably no good for me :/ I feel lost and still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. I’m still confused.

Hi Anita,

I hardly ever make phone calls unless they are needed when I’m with him.  When I mentioned mobile I would probably be scrolling on FB or perhaps checking in on a girl friend.  My ex-husband doesn’t text me frequently.. maybe once a month, according to the needs and he always does that in the morning. One other thing is that the episodes of his mother happened when he was a pre-teen/teen not a little child – if that makes a difference.

The argument why I left was that he scheduled the morning as usual (for both of us). I wanted to stay a bit more in bed (it was 6:10am), was cuddling with him and he grabbed his mobile. I asked him to cuddle me instead and told him, ‘this is exactly what you do’. So he stormed out of bad angry and went for a walk on his own (prior to the scheduled time). When he returned, I tried to be calm and nice to him anyway but he was still angry. Then I offered to go with him to buy some stuff for breakfast and whilst I was dressing up he asked me if I was ready. I said ‘in a minute’ and he said ‘if you’re not ready in a minute I’ll leave’ and he would, because he had done it before. And that was it, I got furious and started packing up all my belongings.

This is one example of an argument.  I know it was not a serious thing but I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s like I have to ‘obey’ him all the time and afraid to suggest something that goes against what he (or us) would have planned before.  The previous argument for example was because I talked to him in a sarcastic way and the previous was because he tried to explain some street directions whilst I was getting ready and he thought I wasn’t giving him enough attention so he just stopped explaining…..

My question is… I know he might have this character because of his experience but is this the right way for me to be treated? Will he ever change if he doesn’t even accept or acknowledge these things?  I’m missing him, or rather the lovely times we had together but I don’t miss the way I used to feel. I tried to get used to his character and be happy with the nice things but I just couldn’t…

Elle

Dear Anita,

No! I never told him he was a monster.. he said so because I mentioned a lot of things he does and he says it’s like I’m portraying him as a monster! I do tell him that he’s no monster and that I just find him controlling.

What was strange about him is that he never lasted long in a relationship. I don’t think he was always honest about why the relationships were over. Also he always told me that he had never felt this way with a girl before and he always had some bad gut feelings about previous girls but then I know for sure he had mentioned marriage with one girl and also proposed to the one before me. When I ask him why, he sort of deviated from the actual question.

Elle