My mother would occasionally use that word when she was upset or angry, though she didn’t use it on a regular basis. As I’m still obsessing over my current dilemma, I’m finding it difficult to remember anything else in great detail. My mother always supported my interests, even if she didn’t share them. She always praised me for working hard in school and told me (and other people) how intelligent I was. Whenever I told her I wanted to be something when I grew up (like many children, this changed a few times until I went to college), she supported me and told me that I would be good at it, regardless of what it was. We used to plant flowers together every spring, back when I was living with my parents. She took care of me when I was sick, held my hand when I had to get shots at the doctor’s, did everything she could to give me a happy childhood. My father was the same, and even though he doesn’t show his emotions as much as my mother does, I have never doubted that he loves me.

When I was younger, though, my mother did have a quick temper. She never hit me or anything like that, but if I did something I wasn’t supposed to (even if it was an accident, like spilling a drink on the carpet or dropping a dish and breaking it), her first reaction was to yell and send me to my room. She always apologized for yelling after she calmed down, but I remember feeling fear every time she yelled, and for a long time, even after she grew calmer over the years, whenever she would so much as speak loudly I would say, “Please stop yelling” even if she wasn’t yelling. In contrast, my father was always been very calm, and I think the only time he yelled was when I once broke a pair of glasses.

Also, I am a little confused how I can “endure distress and seek his comfort” without bringing up my past sins?

I appreciate your patience and compassion. I will say that I am trying very, very hard right now to convince myself not to tell him. My biggest issue at the moment is feeling like I don’t deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone like him. I really, really, want to make it work and not hurt him, though.

I have been to psychotherapy, but never for this specific reason. Although I felt guilty about my transgression, I never felt this strongly weighed down by it until I started dating my current boyfriend. After our first date, I thought to myself “He’s so amazing, why do I deserve him?” And then, the guilt from my past came rushing back, along with thoughts of “No, I don’t deserve him”. I have not been able to completely overcome the guilt ever since. It has gotten worse in the past few weeks because I went home for the holidays, and being there reminded more strongly of my mistakes. And, as I have said, I haven’t seen him in two weeks, but every time I hear his voice, or see photos of him on facebook, I am filled with the feeling of “I don’t deserve him”

As for psychotherapy, I have been going on and off throughout high school, college, and after college. I really connected with my last therapist (again, I never brought up this issue to her because at the time it was not at the forefront of my mind). Unfortunately, her office stopped accepting my family’s insurance. I am thinking of trying to find another one.

Anita,
Thank you for your reply. I still feel like he deserves the truth, because I want our relationship to be based on honesty. I have thus far been nothing but loving, supportive, and faithful to him, and I worry that it is unfaithful to not disclose information that would affect his opinion of me. I feel very strongly that I do not deserve him, and I guess I am looking for reassurance that I do deserve him.

I suppose something that I still need to learn is how to forgive myself. I think my problem is that I don’t deserve forgiveness. Yes, I was 21 and selfish, but I could have handled that situation in a much more moral fashion. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, even though it happened so long ago. I know, logically, that decent people can make poor choices, but I feel like what I did was unforgivable, and I’m having a hard time allowing myself to heal and to accept love.