Ok, well you can sit there being concerned for the welfare of my child while I’m doing the best I can to protect them. I try as hard as I can to give my child what they need (including a safe and responsible and loving father), but it always blows up in my face. I just can’t give what I don’t have. My child is on a waiting list for trauma counseling, I take them to church despite my own personal reluctance, I am in counselling myself. I have lawyers, CPS and family services all helping out, not to mention my childs school teachers and the schools child welfare officer and chaplain at my disposal. What more can I do?!

I never asked for this! I came here for help with forgiveness and getting myself right. I am burnt out trying to do the best thing for my child. He is my #1 priority.

Thank you for your time, but this is not helping anymore.

Until the drama is over, I will be in constant “fix it mode”. That part I can accept. Unfortunately my childs father is being increadibly difficult (as expected). He keeps dragging me back to mediation to try and convince me to change my mind, but I’m in too deep now. I reported him to CPS, and they said that if I were to hand my child back to him now, and something were to happen, I would be just as responsible as him for negligence, and failure to protect.

You make valid points.

Yes, I am in this perpetual cycle of trying to come up with ways to fix the situation (quickly!), as well as trying to preempt his next move so that I can be prepared for whatever he throws my way next. Have you ever heard that expression “the best defence is a good offence”? I’m always trying to stay one step ahead of him, and at the same time considering my actions and how they would look to a judge (ie “will this help or hurt?”). It’s all very strategic to me. It can’t be just a case of “wait and see what happens, and just roll with the punches”. The thought of being unprepared makes me feel physically ill. I can’t be caught off guard. Not only this, but I take it to the extreme. As an example, I have to think of and write down responses to every thing I think *might* come out of his mouth, or the judges mouth, or the lawyers mouth. I’ve never been able to just think on my toes.

I am fully aware of how weak and pathetic this man is. The only power he has over me is in the legal sense, and unfortunately, that is all that matters.

Yes, I do firmly believe that a child needs the support and love of two parents, and just as importantly, I, as a single mother, need the support. It’s damn hard raising a child alone, and that is part of the reason why I have sooooo much anger and frustration in me, and not nearly enough forgiveness.

Definitely habit.
It’s the first thing I think of when waking up, and the last thing I think of before going to sleep. If it’s not him directly, it’s the situation. I’m constantly going through my mind: “how can I make this better? What can I do? Who can I speak to? What will happen if I do xyz? Why am I so sick? What do I have to do to fix this? Will it ever stop? What if, what if, what if?!” Everything I do in life is some sort of attempt to claw my way out of the situation. Then, of course there’s the things I am required to do for court and my physical health, which takes up a lot of my mental energy. Lawyers, mediation, collecting evidence, counselling for my child, counselling for myself, doctors appointments, specialist appointments, tests… The list goes on and on!

Some of the professionals I have spoken to have likened it to PTSD. I’m missing out on so much in life because of the anxiety. It makes me depressed and even more anxious, which makes me feel sicker… It’s a perpetual cycle that I need to break, but I don’t know how.

That is part of my problem. What I want, and what is the right thing to do according to the law are 2 completely different things.

I know that going down the legal path will mean that he will still have visitation rights. Unless he’s a mass murderer, he has his rights.
So, when that happens, I need to be prepared. I need to know that he’s all in, or not at all. Also, I need to know my child will be safe in his presence. This wishy-washy “only in when it suits me” attitude has to stop, and what I have been doing over the last 6 years has not been working, so I changed tactics to get him to change. I want my child to have a father figure and a relationship with his extended family. Best case scenario for my child is that he sees the error of his ways and completely changes everything about himself. Is it likely to happen? No way. But, at least then the courts will know who made 110% of the effort, and who made none. I will have a better chance of removing his parental responsibility that way.

Youre right, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry that I’m being so unclear. I know what I’m trying to do, but it’s not coming across that way huh.

I would think, as an older male, he would be more likely to want a relationship with his child. I think I’ve said it before; he has absolutely nothing good in his life (in my opinion). He is a lost soul who never experienced the innocent and unconditional love of a child, and not just any child (his gf has children), but his own flesh and blood. He received no love or stability as a child from his own father. He has no education due to dropping out of school at age 15, no life experience due to daily drinking since the age of 15, and completely dependant on others because he has been handed everything to him on a plate and enabled by his mother and siblings, and a defeatist attitude with no desire or drive to fix any of that. My child is the little ray of sunshine that makes his life worth living.

The main reason that I have been pushing so hard for a father-child relationship is because, if it goes to court for whatever reason, I MUST be seen as to be encouraging a meaningful relationship between him and his child. The way I see it, the better I look in the eyes of the law, the worse he looks. I need to give him just enough rope so that he can (metaphorically) hang himself. The other reason is that I don’t want my child to hate me in 10 years because I stopped him from knowing his dad. Everyone has told me from the start; “when the child is old enough, they will see his true colours and come to that conclusion on their own”. I can’t risk that. Because He lives the lifestyle of a teenager, he will be known as the “fun parent”, where as I will be the “strict parent”. As a child, with no concept of responsibility, which would you rather live with?

My dream was for my children to have 2 amazing parents who loved them and each other unconditionally. This is part of the reason I’ve been trying so hard to change him and get him to grow up and see things from my point of view. I have said numerous times that “I only want what’s best for my child”, and I meant it. The problem is, he’s not changing and I have done nothing but make myself sick in the process. Thinking about is, I don’t even think completing XYZ will make a difference. He’ll do it just to tick the boxes, and nothing will change. I would put money on it.

Not that I’ve noticed. Enjoy re reading the saga that is my life lol.

I don’t know what she sees at her fathers house. These are the exact behaviours that I was on the receiving end of when we were “together”. I’ve also seen him treat his mother the same way. I had to stand in between the two of them once as it looked like he was going to hit her. The girlfriend wouldn’t be getting that treatment just yet. It’s still early days.

Every second word out of his mouth is the “f word” or “c word”, so I guarantee my child was exposed to that by him (I don’t cuss, ever. I think it’s vile and makes the person look and sound uneducated)

It’s entirely possible that my child is picking up some of this behaviour elsewhere, but this all started developing as an infant, and as a stay at home mom, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for outside influences (ie. Daycare)

I do think there is a lot of anxiety there and that it’s manifesting as anger and aggression. I have organised therapy, but it hasn’t started yet.

I do my very best to create a calm environment for my child. Anyone who is a parent knows that it’s impossible to maintain 100% of the time. I have been a lot better since withholding contact – and so has my child. I have no doubt my own stress and anxieties are an influence. I have no problem admitting that. Which is part of the reason why things have to change. I’ve done countless parenting classes, counselling sessions, therapy, anything that comes my way to help, I’m grabbing onto with a vice-like grip… Because I want change. I want the very best for my child.