A very aggressive and forceful nature. Name calling, intimidating actions (getting right up in people’s faces, pretending to punch in the face, lunging at people), spitting, blatant defiance, and a lack of desire to be independent. Some of that is normal for 5 year olds still learning how to control their anger, but it’s all behaviour that he displays on a regular basis… As an almost 50 year old.

I do think there is something to that “nature vs nurture” debate

Id like to avoid specifics, if at all possible. This is a public forum, after all.

I think the fact that he is a drunk, and has actively told me on many occasions that he would support that lifestyle for my child by providing them with alcohol and drugs if they requested it is reason enough for concern.

I do appreciate every word that you type, and I’m glad you can see the complex nature of my situation. I don’t so much think I’m going crazy.

See? Completely stuck with no way out.

Thank you.

I agree with you 100%. However, so far no one (professional or otherwise) has given me any indication that this is even possible. My lawyer is essentially guiding me in the direction of getting him help so that he can be a “good enough” father to my child, because at the end of the day the courts ultimate goal is for the child to have a significant relationship with both parents, and if it goes to court, that will be the eventual outcome. I will still have to deal with him on some level.

The only thing will get rid of him is for him to make that decision himself, and sign away his parental rights. And I’m 99.999% sure that’s not going to happen. If nothing else, his parents won’t let him do that.

Ah, see, in the past my go-to tactic was to run away. Stressed out at my job? Quit. Unhappy in a relationship? Bail. Friends being nasty and vindictive? Cut off contact. I was always able to get a new job, a new man, new friends as there was literally nothing tying me to any of those things. There were no repercussions, and these things simply disappeared from my life. No mess and minimal fuss.

I can’t apply that tactic in this scenario. He even infiltrated my dreams last night. Actually, he wasn’t even a key feature in my dream. It was mostly about the girlfriend.
We were working together, and she had her newborn baby with him at work with her. She was ignoring the child and begging for people to help her. At one point while I was changing the baby’s diaper for her, she kept saying “you need to help me. He’s drinking too much and abusing me and my child”. I kept shaking my head at her and saying “I told you so. I warned you, but you wouldn’t listen to me. He will kill you one day, and it will be your own fault. You’re too difficult (which is still to this day his excuse for abusing me). You’ll never get rid of him. He’s herpes personified (lol! – Even in my dreams I’m hilarious). You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it.”
Needless to say I woke up from that dream with a huge “woah!”. The way I interpret the dream is that I played the role of my own subconscious, and she was me. Even my subconscious thinks I’m screwed. It’s not just a surface problem, it’s deeply, deeply ingrained.

Meditation, yoga, going for a long walk isn’t going to change anything. I’ve tried the meditation and walking several times, and all it does is give me more time to think and dwell. I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which means I pay for any energy I Use for days afterwards. That includes emotional energy. As you can see, I’m in a vicious cycle that I can’t break. Even my social worker gave up on me after 6 months. Her words were “I don’t know how to help you anymore”. That’s pretty discouraging to hear. A professional person, whose JOB it is to help can’t even help me. I have to do this all alone, which is what brought me here.

I guess I have no choice anymore but to accept it. To “give up”, so to speak. I’ve lost 6 years of my life, and so much more trying to fight. I did all I could. I just can’t protect my child anymore.

Well, whatever strength you think I may have disappeared pretty quickly. Those last few days I was fuelled by that anger. Now, I’ve hit another brick wall, and no matter how close I think I am to ending this Hell, he throws me another curveball. How can I accept it when he keeps on keeping on? Don’t get me wrong, the anger is still there, but there’s only so much time the body can keep pumping out adrenaline before you crash.

I’d like to go 1 day without stewing over this mess I seem to have gotten myself into. Just one. I was in hospital today (yesterday? I don’t even know anymore) and my phone rings. It was him. Out of all days and all times, he calls me at my weakest and most vulnerable point. I wasn’t even focused on him for the first time in forever, and he still managed to weasel his way into my mind. Like, “Hey! I can sense I’m slipping from your mind. Just a reminder that I’m not going anywhere, and there’s nothing you can do about it”. Coincidence? I don’t know. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Hi Anita
Yes, you’ve pretty much summed it all up.

The honesty and clarity comes from the fact that I WANT things to change. To not be these things is fooling myself. It is what it is and I am not delusional (I don’t think) about the reality of the situation.

I can accept that this is my life, and that is what makes me so depressed. That I have to – no, am FORCED to – resign myself to a life with no momentum. I’m grieving for the loss of everything I valued. Somewhere along the line, the very things that defined me as my own person faded away. I’ve changed and absolutely hate who I’ve become. I went from a strong, independent, kind and loving person to a meek, fragile, angry and terrified one.

I’m interested to hear what else you have to say.

I have no idea how to answer that question. I can’t personally see a connection, but I guess that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I’ve never really dwelled on the whole affair thing.

I’ve just spent the last hour typing and deleting, typing and deleting. I really don’t know what else I can tell you. I’m just stuck and helpless to do anything. I can’t change the past, and I can’t move forward without considering him as well. If I want to move, I have to tell him. If I get a job, I have to tell him. If I get a partner, I have to tell him. Yet, he doesn’t have to do squat (well, he should, but he doesn’t bother).

I’m the one who gave up literally everything for our child – he gave up nothing. I’m the one who made the effort and broke my own back bending over backwards to ensure a solid relationship between him and his child – He did nothing. I’m the one who instills morals and values and supports age-appropriate boundaries – He just “wants to be his best friend”. I go to concerts, awards nights, exams, parent-teacher interviews, birthdays, play dates, Drs appointments – I don’t suppose I need to tell you how many of those he’s attended in the last 12 months. Yet, he wants to sit there and tell me he loves his child, and he’d “do anything for him”. I say BS! THIS is why I’m angry. He gets to do whatever the *blank* he likes, whenever he likes, and throw his money away of drugs, alcohol and women while I have a car that breaks down every 5 minutes, still wear my pregnancy clothes because All of my clothing budget goes on my child who has a growth spurt every 6 months, have to fight off debt collectors with a stick on a daily basis, and generally can barely get my foot out of the door most days. As far as I’m concerned, he has absolutely no right to call himself “daddy”, but legally, I can do SFA about it.
I feel like I’m just another example how the person who does the right thing gets beaten with a stick, and the one who’s in the wrong comes out on top. I absolutely loathe what he is doing to my child, and it’s putting so much pressure on me to pick up the slack. I’m not Supermom, but I feel like I need to be and that is way too much pressure for such a fragile person.

I’m sorry for that little outburst, but that pretty much sums up where my anger is sitting right now.