Anita
I read about your crisis with the winery closing. You are in my thoughts at this time .
I will reflect on your question about feeling young and reply…. Key is human interactions , I need more friends
Interesting, you comment on feeling the love of others and feeling younger in recent years … my 50s ( & 60s so far) are the best years of my life , as I know who I am, I love myself.

Gerard xx

Anita
As you are now aware I am very nostalgic and reflect deeply. I have shared with you an important relationship from my early 20s. As I am in my mid 60s I find that I am reflecting on events in my life, re-surfing feelings is both positive and negative , as it can consume my focus. I have recently reflected on a relationship from my late teens, one that I have not thought about in decades, and wow : it has hit me like freight train. I write reflections like letters , below is my letter to this girl based on what I feel and remember now .

LETTER
I am writing this letter nearly 44 years after we dated, at the time our relationship was the biggest part of my life, and it took me a few years to process the relationship and breakup. As events, relationships & time created my future life, our relationship faded in the background, becoming an important foot note to my lifeline. I have not reflected deeply on our relationship in well over 30 years but now as I prepare for retirement I am reflecting on my life and career and focused on our time together, I am really surprised on how our time together has now overwhelmed me with memories and nostalgia.

You were my first true love, the first real relationship I had, it lasted 6 months and as you said: part of our hearts will always belong to each other, over 40 years later my feelings are still there, in the deep background. You were 17 and I was 19, a lifetime has passed, and recent reflections have surfaced these strong feelings and finally the pain and loss of our breakup feels real again. I assume like me, I am a footnote that you rarely think of, I hope you have some fond memories of our time.

We started dating in January, I don’t remember how we met. You were a degree student, and we had a shared friendship group. I remember our first date was to the cinema. I don’t remember the movie. Later you said you never kissed so much. nother was a dinner date, the energy between us was so intense.

You said that you liked that I was “normal”, which indicated that your previous boyfriends were not. In time you saw my flaws and weaknesses which helped me understand that being flawed is normal.

I remember making out on your couch, I remember your yellow cardigan & the smell of your hair, I remember your wet hair and it was curly before you combed it. I remember on at least two occasions we went to bed upstairs. Here things got complex, I never stayed the night as I did not want my parents to believe I was out all night. You had said you did not want to get pregnant because of the impact a pregnancy had on your sister’s life. Also, you said that I was more amorous on the couch than in bed, possibly because this was new to me, and I did not want to go too far.

After dating two months I brought you to my sister’s wedding, you got on very well with my family.

At some point we called to my brother’s house, at some stage afterwards I learnt that you called to see my brother on your own, I thought that was a bit strange.

My first memory of the relationship disintegrating was after two months. We arranged a weekend away, you asked that we pick up a friend on the way. I had arranged a place in for us both to stay, but you wanted to stay with your friend. I have a vague memory of you flirting with other guys in a nite club. This was a clear signal that you did not really value our relationship, you were emotionally detaching, and I was chasing a dream. I cherished you and in return I wanted you to cherish me. I believed the harder I tried the bigger the chance that I would win you. This weekend was the dividing mark in our relationship. I know you were hinting that you were no longer interested but I kept hanging around like a puppy dog. I feel in hindsight that I know you did not really love me the same way I loved you, and at 17 why should you. Possibly this is why over time I have not reflected too much when the relationship dissolved, as it was clear why we split.

In May I got a new car. I drove you to visit your sister, this was a 400 mile round trip. We stayed for at least 1 night. I remember your sister and her partner had very young children. I remember playing chess with your sister’s partner in the kitchen. I slept downstairs, you wanted me to sleep with you upstairs, but your sister felt it better that I slept downstairs. For such a long drive together, we must have had plenty of time to chat and be together, I have zero recollection of these long drives to and back.

I had a suspicion she was dating someone when you went home to your parents.

I remember you saying at some point “Now that we are no longer dating, I can tell you that you are a terrible driver”

My best friend did not like you, and he told me so many times. I remember you did not like my best friend either.

In the summer you moved to a new city for work experience. You must have shared your address as I remember writing and sending you a very long letter I never got a reply, I assume you were not impressed. That appears to have been the final last gasp in our fading relationship.

In early the following year you were back in college, I learnt that you were sharing an accommodation with mutual friends. I called regularly to the dorm with the hope of meeting you, we met once. I was in the kitchen, and you came in, I remember you were heading out to a party. As part of the group, we had a very civil conversation, then you headed out.

I have a vague memory of attending your graduation dance, a mutual friend invited me. You were sitting at another table with some other guy, I think we had some chat in the corridor. That was it, I have no recollection of any meeting or contact between us ever again. I have absolutely zero information on how your life worked out, I believe that you moved to a country far away.

The relationship legacy, significant for a few years but forgotten for decades. I felt treated badly, what started as amazing ending up being very messy. I now know that I had expectations from the relationship that you were not ready to give. Even when the signals were clear, I kept pursuing the dream. I understand that is why our relationship never really resonated long term, because when I experienced what I expected from a relationship it dawned on me that I had transferred my relationship expectations on to you, I was ready for a serious relationship, and you just wanted to have fun. Future relationships validated my relationship expectations.

You played a massive role in my life, the first taste of the possibility of love and a relationship. You are always in my heart, and I hope you had a wonderful, healthy & fulfilled live.

Gerard

Reading your SCOJ, I totally validate one statement : you are a good person.

Funny your reference to red wine : back in the day people mostly drank white wine at functions …. My dad gave me great advice ‘drink red wine “ ,”why?” I asked , he replied “because you get more of it.

What is the story with your left shoulder ? …… what I am learning as I age is that manypeople live in constant pain .

I agree that labels correctly applied can lead the way to understanding
However, labels applied to normal human idiosyncrasies, then is can unfairly define you

You write : “Diagnosed OCD, Tourette’s, Major Depression.. and more diagnoses (I am embarrassed about naming them all”

Reading Stephen Covey about 20 years ago, an opinion he shared stuck with me : don’t name it, because then it owns you

Anita
You addition to the bench poem is so perfect …thank you

Gerard

Dear Anita,
I read your journal and I deeply felt your pain, it is impossible to let go.

It is important to journal and let it out. I journal everyday, I have a journal on people I know and have known and how they made me feel. I keep a journal for when someone in my network dies, I write about them , I find it nice when I meet a neighbour and I can say “I though about your father today as its his 7th anniversary, he was a lovely man who loved the garden” . I keep a journal on safety, when I have near miss I write about it and what lessons I take from it. I write about my day and my feelings and emotions, I write about my memories, if I have a thought on the summer of 1977, I will write down everything I remember from the summer of 1977, I keep a journal on my dreams, especially the dreams with people I know in them.

Journaling will transform your life

Gerard 🙂