Dear Anita, thank you so much for responding!
Firstly, it all started (depression, panic attacks) when I moved in with my boyfriend. It all seemed fine, but then once I woke up in the middle of the night breathing heavily (panic attack). I felt at that time that I wasn’t in the right place, I wasn’t living my life, I wasn’t with the person I had to be with. Maybe it sounds a little bit incomprehensible, but that’s how it all started.
Speaking of psychotherapy, I’ve already attended 6-7 sessions (firstly twice a week, then I switched to once a week frequency due to my financial state). In those sessions I’m trying to figure out the reasons of such a state. I learnt that a lot of my insecurities stemmed from my childhood. I know that it’s such a cliche of childhood traumas influencing us as adults, but maybe that’s one of the reasons why I got depressed. My mother used to suffer from depression, locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to kill herself. She also isn’t that happy in a marriage constantly saying that love doesn’t exist and it’s all about getting accustomed to the other person. She got married because of the fear that she’d be alone. I can totally see that depressive state in myself now as well as the fear she’s always had. My mother was never there for me in my childhood. Thankfully I had my dad who has always been supportive, but I definitely felt the lack of mother’s presence. I remember how I would run up to my mother and say something like “the boy I’ve been playing with threw me into puddle” (or something like that, complaining etc.) and she’d always say “that’s your fault! probably you’ve done something that made him do this to you”. I’ve learnt that I don’t love myself. I am so empty inside and I’m so scared of my emptiness that I’m ready to be pretty much with anyone who shows interest in me. As being in a relationship I can avoid being on my own = staring into the emptiness. This is overwhelming, maybe. I’m just happy there is someone who can listen to my story. Thank you!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Julie.