Hey there, Little Coconut!

I’m so sorry that you have been struggling in your relationship, and that things haven’t played out the way you wanted them too. I imagine it’s probably very frustrating to battle with your intuition so much, especially over a course of such a long time. Let’s try to figure out a game plan for you – see what we can do 🙂

First of all, let’s discuss the word ‘intuition’. It’s a big word. It’s heavy with meaning. And I think that this meaning can be changed, mistaken, misread, and misunderstood a great deal, partly because intuition isn’t physically tangible – it’s immaterial; it’s a concept. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in intuition – I completely, totally do, in a very significant way – but I think it’s something that we can get wrong, sometimes quite a lot of the time. Why am I mentioning this? I’m just bouncing options around, and I wonder if this might be a thing for you. Could you be wrong? I don’t mean that your intuition is wrong. I mean, is it definitely an intuition? Because a niggling little feeling inside you might not be an intuition at all – it might be a compulsive thought, a misdirected doubt, a lingering fear…so let’s analyze them 🙂

• Compulsive thinking. Something that a lot of us battle with are compulsive, obsessive thoughts. Sometimes they don’t feel like thoughts at all. Sometimes they feel like wriggly worms in our brains. Sometimes they feel like intuitions. And there is a chance that you have mistaken a compulsive, intrusive thought as an intuition. For whatever reason (something that only you can truly explore!) you might doubt your boyfriend’s love, for example. Or maybe you doubt that you are fit to be a stepmom. Or maybe you think that the wonderful life you have built together is too good to be true, and that it will one day tumble down around you like building blocks. Whatever your thoughts may be, if they are compulsive, intrusive, and obsessive, they will linger. They will keep nagging at you, and there will be an undercurrent of them all the time. But they aren’t intuition.
• Misdirected doubt. Let’s make a hypothesis. Hypothetically speaking, you doubt your ability to be a good stepmom, you feel a competition between you and your boyfriend’s ex, and you fear commitment. Suddenly you have a whole host of doubts, and those doubts translate in your mind as intuition. And so you run with that.
• Lingering fears. Similar to doubts, but less tightly packed, there is also a chance of your anxiety getting the better of you. I have suffered with anxiety since I was a toddler, and I cannot count the times when it has masqueraded as intuition. I used to have intuitive thoughts about a lot of things – and I still do, to this day. But sometimes those intuitive thoughts turn out not to be intuitive thoughts, and instead, lingering anxiety that lasts for years and years. Once the seed is sown, it’s hard not to let it grow and populate your mind. One trick I learned to decipher anxiety from intuition, was to realize that anxiety is a niggling doubt in response to a threat, or a situation perceived as a threat (I see a wolf > I feel that the wolf will eat me > I want to run away > the feeling of wanting to run away gets bigger and bigger). Intuition is a gut feeling that comes with a sense of expansion (I see two doors > my gut tells me to go through the left door > it feels good to consider the left door). So in that sense, anxiety is a negative thing, and intuition is a positive thing. I personally suspect that you may be battling anxiety instead of intuition – in fact, I’m pretty sure of it – because, now that you have separated from your boyfriend, you feel heartbroken and torn between actions. Intuition feels right. Not indecisive. Not bad. It feels relieving.

Another reason I think that you may not be experiencing true intuition is that you suffer with anxiety and a fear of commitment. Naturally, this would make you have doubts when it comes to committing! Don’t worry. Once you have gotten to the root of the problem, I promise your issues will be halved.

One thing that I consider a breakthrough is this: “Instead of waking up anxious like I did in the relationship, I wake up sad.” If you are sad, then you are missing the life you guys could have had! I wonder if it might be best for you to do some inner work and try to figure out the root cause of your relationship-related anxiety. What makes you so anxious?

Part of me wonders if most of these issues have been born within you. Please don’t take this as a judgement (it’s not at all – I have a lot of issues with relationships!) but I think, from the sound of it, you feel insecure within yourself. You aren’t close with your family, you feel bound to his son, and feel an overwhelming sensation that something isn’t right. But, viewed as an outsider – with none of the internal feelings you have – it seems to me that you guys have the foundation of a great relationship, one that, void of doubt, could be utterly wonderful.

I agree – without work, this won’t just ‘go away’. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a wonderful outcome, with you, your boyfriend, and your stepson. True love is not easy. No love is easy. Love hurts, love is confusing, and love is tough. I am in a relationship with a man 32 years my senior, and we have been to hell and back many times. Many times we have fought relationship, and many times we have suffered resentment, and pain, and even soft-breakups. Do I think that he is any less my soulmate, because of that? Absolutely not. On our anniversary next year, I plan to propose to him. Because struggles don’t take away from our love. Our love is bound by something inside us; a core, soul love. If you feel that for your boyfriend, I think you can make it work. Love is a battlefield – like the Pat Benatar song. But it’s a battle worth fighting.

I’m going to list some suggestions below for you to try, and I would love for you to reach out to me if there is anything I can do. I am a PTSD, addiction and trauma coach, but I also do relationship coaching for people on the autism spectrum. I would love to be a listening ear if ever you need one. 🙂

• Tell yourself that the intuitive feeling is not necessarily intuition. Even if you don’t believe it, kid yourself. Give this feeling a name like Boris or Gareth or Dave. And when Boris or Gareth or Dave bothers you, just go, “Welp, there goes Boris or Gareth or Dave, again.”
• Make a pros and cons list. List all the good things about your boyfriend, relationship, and situation together. Then name all the bad things. Compare lists.
• Imagine your life without your boyfriend. If you never got to see either of them again. Would you feel worse with him, or without him?

Good luck, honey! You sound like a truly adorable person and I hope with all my strength that you will find the best solution for you. I hope I was able to provide you with some help.

All my love,

Esme xoxo