fbpx
Menu

Mandy Marie

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #151716
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Well, I finally took control.

    Feeling completely restless after 3am today, and finally decided to quit my procrastination and apply for online courses at a state community college. I signed up for the fall, so I will spend my summer trying to learn some of the basics that go along with the classes I will be taking so I don’t feel so far behind when I start.

    I completely forgot how much I enjoyed school before I graduated. Granted, I was going through some really trying and depressing times, but school was always the one thing I looked forward to. I loved learning.

    Now it’s time for me to continue that learning, not just for myself, but to also better my future. Rather than thinking so far ahead to the point to where I’m paralyzed with fear, I’m going to embrace it and try my best to see this through. I want to do this for myself, and feel proud of myself for my accomplishments.

    Hopefully this is a step in the right direction. There’s no backing down now, it’s now or never.

    #151608
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    You’re definitely correct. I look way too far ahead into the future. I think so far ahead that it overwhelms me, and causes me to panic. I know I need to try harder to live in the moment, not in the past nor future. But it’s difficult to do so when you’re stuck in a perpetual state of fighting with depression and panic.

    I feel as though I’ve been wasting my youth because of this. I’ve seen my friends and family members move on with their lives, and here I am, afraid to take that first step because I don’t know where it will lead me. I’ve always been the type of person to plan things out, not go into them blindly. I know that life can and is completely unpredictable, and that’s where my problem lies. I hate not having complete control over it.

    I’ve also taken notice of how afflicted I am with the way this country and the rest of the world is. I know I’m not the only one affected by it, my entire generation as whole is as well. So it’s nice to take some comfort in knowing I’m not alone, but it’s definitely scary. Nothing is the way it was when I was my parents’ age. I’ve already exceeded the age of when my mother started having children. It feels as though we’re all lagging behind previous generations in everything we do, and it has definitely shaped us all in certain ways. This is what has made me think that college is no longer even worth the effort, I know it opens a lot more doors compared to just a high school diploma in terms of jobs. But why exactly does work even exist if we’re all here for a short time? What gains do we get from things in the form of monetary value? Shouldn’t we be able to think and do things freely without having to worry about keeping up with the bills? Buying houses? Buying cars? How I wish this world operated so much differently, where people are able to freely do as they please instead of punching in for work 8-12 hours a day, when that time could be used for other meaningful things like raising a family without having both parents working constantly, spending time with your parents, learning about a multitude of different things without being overly exhausted from putting in a day of work. Being able to enjoy yourself. But sadly that’s not the way things are.

     

    #151306
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    I’m still struggling a bit to do these daily tasks, but I know I will get there if I keep trying.  It’s just a bit overwhelming when you have decisions to make that should have been made a while ago.

    I just wish things weren’t as painful as they are now. I lost a good friend because of a drunk driver, and I don’t know where getting my associates degree will take me.

    #151190
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Sorry for my delayed response. Things have been a bit rough for the past month.

    I lost a good friend from high school in a horrible car accident and things have been pretty unbearable since then.
    After the initial shock of this, it threw me into a loop and now I’m dealing with a consistent fear of death. Not just for myself, but with my mom and the rest of my family. I’m still wide awake at nearly 4am in the midst of another breakdown, and it doesn’t feel good at all.

    This is horrible. I’ve lost an abundance of family members over the years, but I never really responded to them in an atypical way, but since the death of my friend, it’s slapped me in the face at how temporary everything is. It’s thrown me into an existential crisis mindset and questioning everything. It’s so hard for me to focus on one simple task. I was feeling fine yesterday, since I spent the day cleaning and going through some of my things, triggered quite a bit of feel good nostalgia, but now the dreaded feeling looms over me tonight.

    On a side note, I have been able to spend more time with my family, I’ve even started initiating more contact with my grandparents, and my sister who lives in another state. I’m still trying to muster up the courage to speak to my dad though, that’s one barrier that’s going to take a while to break, but I’m up for the challenge. I’ve even started playing the game I was once addicted to as a form of escape again, but in smaller increments. I’m even talking to some friends that I’ve played with since the beginning, it’s been great being able to catch up with them. I’ve also decided on a course that I want to try for online classes. I was thinking about getting my associates for web development and design. Culinary school is just too expensive. And since I live in NY, state school tuition will be free starting this fall, maybe this was the reason why I put off college after high school, better late than never I guess?

    I have been learning about meditating and breathing exercises to try to keep the anxiety at bay, or at least help remedy it a bit. I’ve been keeping track and even writing down things that I’m grateful for. But the one I wake up with every day is the gratefulness that I’m awake, my family is awake, and breathing. Every single day I’m grateful for that. I’ve even started writing them at night, but with experiencing such a loss at this moment, I’ve fallen off track. But I do plan on starting up again. I just need to let this out of my system before I’m able to pick myself up again and continue where I left off.

    #146913
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    No worries Anita. I hope you feel better. 🙂

     

    #146829
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Well, it’s been about 2 weeks since I last posted.
    Things have been a bit better. I’m starting to socialize more with my online friends and reconnecting with them. A lot of them are going through similar things that I am, in terms of not knowing what to do with our lives, so I took some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one faced with these types of dilemmas.
    I’m still trying to get my appointments in order, but everyone in my house was sick for nearly two weeks, so I’m starting over on that obstacle all over again.

    After leaving a long message to my dad a couple of months ago, he finally read the message and tried to contact me, but I was too scared to answer his calls. He left me a voicemail with his number, but what struck me and made me break down was when he said he loved me. I find it so hard to believe that statement when I haven’t seen or talked to him in years. I’m rather conflicted with this one.

    The prozac has been working much better compared to the lexapro, but I’m still adjusting to the medication. The transition from one medication to another has been a bit difficult. Dealing with withdrawal/adjustment all at the same time, I thought I was going crazy.

    But today, and yesterday, both have been bad days. I realize that a lot of my own problems and visions of self worth have derived from my past relationships and the crumbling divorce between my parents. Between that, the recession I graduated high school into, taking over as a caregiver for my brother, and giving up on myself in the worst way possible.

    And my mom received a text message earlier from my grandmother. My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s has progressed again. It’s happening at a much faster pace and it’s hard for my mom and I, along with the rest of the family to grasp that. It’s all happening too fast. I feel so lost right now, my grandfather has been such a huge influence in my life, and one of the few father figures I’ve had since my parents divorced. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t. It’s too hard. It’s only a matter of time before he starts forgetting everyone, and it hurts to even think about it.

    #144245
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    There have definitely been some situations I’ve witnessed from outside family members when I was growing up that have affected me in certain areas of my life.
    But the one instance that has affected me to this day was when my father walked out on my family.
    He just up and left one day, out of the blue, while we were all in school, and my mom had gone into town to go grocery shopping. She had asked if he would be home when she got back, he said yes, but when she walked in the door, nothing. He just up and left without warning. This has been ingrained in my mind since I was 15 years old. I went through a lot of emotional trauma. I had started self-harming and blaming myself for his leaving. He had attempted to come around once the divorce was finalized, but it didn’t last very long. Just the occasional present on our birthdays, random trips to town for ice cream after school.

    He stopped showing up frequently, since he didn’t wait very long to get re-married. I got so fed up with him not coming around as often, that I flat-out told him that if he didn’t want anything to do with me, then don’t even bother. Words I have come to regret. If he had wanted anything to do with my siblings and I, then he would have fought for it, but he just gave up and moved on.

    A few weeks ago, i told him those exact words, along with how I have felt since all of this occurred. I told him that I had to put my life on hold to uphold HIS obligations as a father to his son, whom he promised would never leave his side. It’s so unfair for a parent to help bring a child into this world, despite their physical and mental capabilities, and then just drop them at the hat when they sit back and realize that their lives haven’t been “normal” since the day that child was born. We had always done things as a family to the best of our abilities, but he apparently wanted more.

    This is what has fueled me for the last 6 years to keep going, despite the circumstances my mom and I have been placed under. But now I want to gain that life I could have had back. Always running from life because I was too afraid to live. But now I think I’m ready. I’ve hidden for too long and deserve SO much more than I think I do, it’s just really difficult because my mind tricks me into thinking time isn’t on my side, when I know it is, I just need to utilize it better.

    I’ll have to make some phone calls in order to get my insurance issues taken care of, I’ve been calling the local mental health facility to schedule an evaluation and appointment, but have received no call backs. I’m willing to do anything to get my life back on track.

    Yes, definitely, PCOS is a huge factor in my self esteem and confidence. I never took the weight loss seriously until a year or so ago when I realized what I was doing to my health if I kept continuing what I was doing. I had been diagnosed back in 2014 with a severe vitamin D deficiency. Since taking a supplement religiously, eliminating sugary drinks and junk foods from my diet, I have been able to regulate my periods again, and now have a normalized cycle, which I’m very grateful for, but it unfortunately turned into PMDD symptoms, which heightens my anxiety/depression. I’m a crying mess during that week. It’s like I do nothing but cry and internalize every issue I’ve got and turn into a negative Nancy. I just wish there was something more I could do than just take Prozac for it.

    I’m definitely not giving up on this weight loss, I want to be around for a lot longer and avoid diabetes, since it runs in my family. After intense research on the effects of PCOS with obesity, it fueled my desire to want to lose weight. I researched on the types of foods I should be eating and avoiding. I completely cleaned up my diet. I still eat white carbs every now and then, but not as much as I used to. I switched to eating grains like quinoa, since it’s a complete protein full of amino acids. I also have switched from regular bread to whole wheat wraps and whole wheat pita bread. I’ve also upped my fruit/vegetable intake as well. I allow myself one cheat day a week, I’ll eat whatever I want, but sensibly, so I can keep myself on track for the remainder of the week. Whatever nutritional gaps I have, I fill with supplements.
    I take a multi, b complex, vitamin D, magnesium, iron, and vitamin c throughout the day.

    After this healthy lifestyle adaptation started, I even started exercising. I would utilize my indoor time by walking back and forth in my living room as fast I could, for about 1 & 1/2 hours a night, making sure to clock in my 10,000+ steps. Then the PMDD kicked in, and I fell off track for about a month, but I’m slowly working my way back into it. I think I was just trying to take on a lot at once and became overwhelmed and wondering if I was doing the right thing. But it’s a slow process, and I’m learning about better nutrition along the way. I just need to get into a better routine in terms of sleep. I need to fix that and start eating 2~3 times a day, instead of 1.

    I will definitely keep posting, this has been such a great way for me to vent and get out all of my frustrations. I just need to convince myself that I’m certainly not a lost cause, just a late bloomer in life.

    #144221
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    Yes, abandonment is definitely a difficult thing to overcome.
    I’ve discussed it with my mom multiple times, and she keeps having to reassure me that it’s something I’m not doing to her or my brother at all. She said she wants more for me than what I’ve been doing for the past several years, she keeps kicking herself for not forcing me out to do the things I know myself I should be doing. But at the same time I’m grateful that she’s taken the time to realize that there’s so much more going on than my paralyzing fear of entering the real world. Like she told me, she’ll take care of it when she has to and figure it out, and that she or my brother are not my responsibility, and to stop using it as an excuse to not do anything. She said she doesn’t care if I choose to go to school first before finding a job. She just wants me to do something that will get me moving in the right direction.

    A majority of it stems from the past, but it also stems from fear of the unknown. Over the past several months I’ve taken time out of the day to reflect, and in turn, turns into me visualizing what may or may not happen in the future, and it fills me with dread, making me unable to make any decisions.

    A majority of the scenarios revolve around my family. I think about what may happen to my brother, or what my mom will do since she’s in the same boat as I am. No car or license. I even fear getting older, especially with being as stagnant as I am now. I fear of financial disaster, not being able to save money for retirement, or ever getting a decent job to be able to afford anything. I research a lot on what the economy has become today, and it makes me even more anxious. Which I know for a fact should drive me to WANT to go to college for better job prospects, but how do I do that when I don’t even know what I want, or even have a guaranteed job once I’m done? I’m also afraid of never finding someone who will accept me for who I am. I have had PCOS since the age of 16, which comes with its own forms of embarrassments, I’ve developed psoriasis on my scalp. It’s like I can’t win.

    So I’ve made a couple of plans for this upcoming week:
    Call around for an eye doctor
    Call around to see a dentist
    Call around to see a dermatologist
    Maybe then I will feel more comfortable with myself, and gain back some of that confidence that I’ve lost. I’ve had it in my head for a while now that I don’t deserve much of anything because I don’t work for it.

    #143979
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    @Kat: Thank you for your response!
    You’re absolutely correct, making small steps to a brighter tomorrow is definitely the best way to assess this situation.
    I just HAD to inherit my stubbornness from my mom and grandmother, it has its perks in some ways, not in others lol


    @Deedee
    : Thank you very much for your kind words. You’re right, I shouldn’t have the need to feel that time has passed by so quickly. But with time spent inside, only doing the same things day in and day out has had that effect on me for a number of years now.I slowly stopped playing so many computer games, but with that I also distanced myself from my online friends too much, and they’re like a second family to me. I should see it in this aspect; If I’m able to slowly take those steps to overcome a computer game addiction by myself, then I’m able to apply that to stepping back and re-emerging myself into the real world. In recent weeks, I’ve been slowly re-introducing myself to socializing online with my friends, and even reconnecting with people I went to high school with, such as my best friend. It was like we never stopped talking, we just picked up where we left off.


    @anita
    : Your accuracy is dead-on. After reading your response in my e-mail, I actually sat down and talked to my mom about this. Taking care of my brother is the only thing I’ve known. And you’re absolutely correct, I’m afraid.
    This fear has been with me for so long that I was unable to recognize it until you pointed it out to me. After reading your response, I can honestly tell you the one thing my mom has been telling me day in and day out for as long as I can remember, is that she never wants me to feel stuck. Which is exactly where I’m at right now. I’m so grateful that this was pointed out to me, or I would’ve continued being the way I am now, just much older. I broke down and told her that my fears stem from many different things:
    Losing both her and my brother
    Coming home and seeing both of them not there (which comes from my fear of abandonment thanks to my dad)
    Fear of failing
    But most of all, fear of living outside of my comfort zone.
    This house has been my safe space. My sister moved out of the house after we both graduated from high school to live with her now husband. I seriously commend her for doing that. But for me, it was like I was facing a major sense of abandonment all over again. I felt like everyone was just rushing into moving on with their lives, and I just retracted back, afraid to make a move. So I stayed home, and took over as being a caretaker for my brother. A job I could’ve been paid for if the state didn’t see it as a conflict of interest, because we both live under the same roof. But I took on the position regardless. I grew up seeing how stuck my mom felt, and I wanted to let her have some form of a life outside of the house, so I stayed here. And the longer I’ve stayed inside, the more fearful I get. Like she told me earlier after I mentioned my fear of loss. She said it could happen to anyone at any given moment, so why continue to stand there idly as life continues to pass you by? And she’s right, I can’t let this fear rule over me. I know she won’t be around forever, and I want to cherish these moments with her and my family both. But moving on with life just gives me a feeling that I’m abandoning them. She told me there’s no rush for me to move out on my own, she just wants me to be more independent. And she’s right, I should continue to make the steps to lose more weight, find a part time job, and figure out what types of course I want to take. Who knows, maybe I’ll discover more about myself if I take these steps. I just need to take it one day at a time instead of trying to dive head first, expecting everything to happen and fall into place all at once.

    #143859
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    I’m honestly unsure, being in the state I’m in at the moment, I can’t imagine living out on my own at this present time.
    And leaving my brother and mother is something I’ve honestly never thought of before. My mom is 57 and my brother is 26, but due to his mental and physical handicaps, he needs a lot of help. I honestly have no qualms when it comes to taking care of him, that time spent with him makes me happy, it gives me joy to know that he’s here, happy, and healthy. It’s the rest of the time I have during the day that puts a damper on everything.

    #143851
    Mandy Marie
    Participant

    anita

    Thank you for your response.
    The only parent at this present time who has ever failed me is my father. I have had 0 contact with him in over 8 years.

    My mom has yet to fail me. She’s more than supportive of my current decisions to get my life together, she’s been trying her best to push me into the right direction. Growing up I’ve always heard her say she never wants her kids to turn out the way she has. Granted, she didn’t accomplish all the things she’s wanted to accomplish, but she’s doing her best with what she has. My stubbornness in refusing to get at least a part time job for some form of financial independence is my fault, and my fault alone.

    My mom has always been a stay at home mom, up until my dad walked out on her and my siblings and I.
    Seeing as both of my parents never went to college, let alone finished high school, the financial situation in my house isn’t the greatest, but we live within our means. Living at home has been my decision because of the lack of having a job. My personal choices in the past with my ex, staying on the computer all day playing games, and letting depression win over me with my life have been my downfall with all of this.

    The only thing getting in my way of getting over these hurdles is myself. I let the fear of life rule over me. I’m afraid of being judged, mocked, failing, and feeling like I’m leaving my mom to fend for herself while she struggles with her job and taking care of my brother.
    I’m currently in the process of getting over hurdles with insurance issues. I apparently have some form of insurance in the state of Illinois and it’s interfering with being able to see a psychiatrist. The only thing I’ve had since all of this started is the medication my current GP prescribed me for my apparent anxiety issues, which wasn’t working like I thought it would, so she prescribed Prozac because of PMDD. Kind of ironic to say, but all of this has unfolded since the beginning of the presidential election. That whole mess has had me questioning everything.

    I know I deserve so much more than what I have right now, I just lack the confidence and self esteem to try and do something that will make me much happier. I’ve considered doing things from home, like blogging about food and nutrition, or going back to school and doing online courses. I just need to figure out what it is that I want to do for said courses. I considered medical billing and coding, CPN, MA, LPN, and something in the culinary industry, but again, my mind likes to tell me I can’t do anything before I even give myself the chance to try.

    There’s a lot of issues I’ve been holding onto for years, I just did things to avoid said issues so I never had to think about them. At least until now. My mind is a jumbled mess with all of these thoughts going on daily.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)