Thank you Anita.

I believe it to be true also. The problem is I don’t know how to break free. To get what I want… because I am afraid of losing the little bit of crumbs that I have. I admit that if I had greater self esteem and more of a positive outlook I could overcome this easier. I’ve learned many things during this relationship. One of them being self love. I honestly don’t know where it begins. I am trying to be more conscious of my thoughts. I can see why I am so doubtful of WHO I Am or WHAT I can be. Again much from childhood where My mother told me that I was unattractive and that I wouldn’t amount to much at all. I’m trying to believe that I am worthy but it’s so unbelievably hard.

I’m trying to break free from unhappiness. I really am. It’s so damn hard. I know it starts with me. I remember I once had a friend that said to me, “ snap out of it! The love that’s in fairytales and romance doesn’t exist. I know that’s what you want, but it isn’t realistic.”

Thank you for that observation Peter. I have had a chance to look inwardly for quite sometime since facing this head on. I’ve realized that much of my life the giving and receiving of love has been reduced to mere crumbs. My childhood experiences with my main caregiver was constantly learning how to readjust to just getting “any type of acceptance and attention” I have now realized that it is the driving force with much of my relationships (or lack thereof). The resounding premise has always been I just want to be loved. I’m so scared to lose anyone because I’ve never had anyone. I mean that literally. My only paternal parent created a lot of separation and abandonment when I was a child. Indeed, I know I have to work on this. Seeing the effects of all of this I have such a hard time separating myself from situations that are not fruitful for me. I honestly want to see the good in all of this. I’m so confused. Especially when he is attentive in short bouts.