January 7, 2021 at 9:41 am #372352
I needed a moment to vent and thought that this post would be my saving grace. Side note this is lengthy and probably redundant; yet I just need to know that someone understands.
for the past 4 years I have been in a relationship with someone whom… well I don’t really know how to explain it. All I know is I feel incredibly alone anymore. My voice is largely unheard and I have given up. I feel like I have no voice; well nothing that partly matters to someone that I love. A gaping hole in my heart because I so desperately would like to feel that love reciprocated. I walk a thin line because I’m not certain if I am paranoid or over anxious. I toil with the fact of whether my feelings are even valid. Case and point:
2 years ago I discovered by way of my snooping through my partners phone that he was soliciting prostitutes, in chat rooms for poly individuals seeking woman and expressing that he was single. Although I am not proud of searching through his belongings at the time I just needed to know the truth. Ever since I discovered which probably should have been obvious, I have been stuck in an vicious cycle of wanting to be loved l, trying to make it work, and be whatever it is that “he” is seeking. I am exhausted.
i have spoken about my concerns As to why the truth was hidden, what did he actually want,and blah blah blah. I’ve always been met with that everything is fine. He is happy with us and that I just need to be secure in him and I. I have had an incredibly hard time. I realized that resulting from seeing this hidden life of his I now have a handful of triggers.
These actions which have always been there are even more amplified and to my mental state even moreso identifiable as possible hints to what has occurred in his past and what he could possibly still be doing.
current triggers: He’s always on the phone- I’ve asked for time alone with him at the end of the day with no distractions, ahem his phone. His response: A. “it’s your own insecurity that would even request this”B. You’re trying to change me. C.“ We’ve been over this before. What More do you want from Me. I’m here all the time” when I ask for him to be present although he is here physically, I have asked for him to be present. To acknowledge me to show an interest in me.
my heart Literally aches as I type this, reliving this pain day after day is so great.
when I say he is in his phone all the time he literally takes his phone to the restroom, he keeps his phone at all times near him. He wakes up in the middle of the night and the first thing he reaches for is his phone.
Here recently I have sought to find out the truth or seek more of the truth. As if that hasn’t been truth enough. I found myself following him when he leaves so that I can just catch a glimpse of whether or not he is being deceiving. I have found that he leaves to talk on the phone. Sometimes he’s gone for hours no explanation. One time he left at 3 am in the morning he said it was to get something from his brother.
Today, he spent his entire day on Facebook chatting in forums talking about current events. He will continue to do so until he retires for the evening.
I’ve expressed many times what I would like, what would make me happy. Yet I’m convinced that he really doesn’t care. Many days I am in tears he sees them and he asks genuinely what’s wrong. Yet As of late I have stopped telling him how I feel. Reason being. In the past every time I discuss my wants,’my feelings, his response is, A. all I do is complain about the same thing, and B.as of late that I am responsible for my own feelings since I discovered his indiscretions due to my snooping. C. Or fly off the handle and get mad at any request I make.
I read somewhere that the true ability of a partner is when someone comes to you with their concerns that you don’t pick them apart and throw a dozen reasons as to why they shouldn’t feel the way they do. But to “hear” them and hopefully listen for understanding.
as many times as I have come to him his response is just that” you say the same thing each time” I’d like to reply that’s because you are not listening.
Overall, I feel alienated and much of the time I don’t know what to do with theses triggers. I feel hopeless and refrain from saying how much I hurt. It pains me because he does seem genuine at times, but sadly his Past responses Scare me and I just don’t trust the outcome anymore. I rather stay silent but it seems like it’s breaking me! I’m trying to make sense out of something that I don’t think will ever be. I wish I knew the answer.
theres more to the story yet I will stop as I would just be rambling.
oh… lately I made a request asking him or rather implying. I guess you could say accuse. But I asked that he not have any inappropriate conversations with women. He got upset per usual and said that it was again my insecurity. That now he can’t even have female friends and that he should just give up his phone. The next day he put a locked passcode on it. Mind you he swipes or closes his phone quite a lot when I am near him.January 7, 2021 at 11:43 am #372375
You shared that you are in a 4 year relationship. You feel “incredibly alone.. unheard” with him, like you “have no voice”, hopeless, like you have a hole in your heart and that your love is not reciprocated, but you are not sure if your feelings are valid: maybe they are valid and the relationship is bad, but maybe you are “paranoid or over anxious”.
Two years ago you discovered that he was soliciting prostitutes “in chat rooms for poly individuals seeking women and expressing that he was single”. Currently, he is “always on the phone… he literally takes his phone to the restroom, he keeps his phone at all times near him… he swipes or closes his phone quite a lot when I am near him”, and “Sometimes he’s gone for hours no explanation. One time he left at 3 am”.
When you asked for more of this time and attention, and when you asked him to not have inappropriate conversations with other women, and at other times when you express your feelings and concerns to him, he has told you that it is your insecurity that requested his time and attention, that you are trying to change him, that you’ve “been over this before”, “What More do you want from Me. I’m here all the time”, that all you do is complain about the same thing, and that you are at fault for having “discovered his indiscretions due to (your) snooping”.
You wrote that you needed to vent and that you “just needs to know that someone understands”. What I understand is that he has been cheating on you for years, that he is busy for hours a day looking for sexual interactions with other women, that he feels comfortable doing these things because it doesn’t bother him that you are hurt, hopeless and unheard.
I understand that he does what he feels like doing, not caring how it affects you. He tells you what is convenient for him to say, whatever will get you to stop bothering him. He feels comfortable living with you, he is not afraid to lose you because he thinks that you are a weak woman who will stay with him no matter what he says and does.
Did I understand correctly?
anitaJanuary 7, 2021 at 12:35 pm #372377
May I ask how you experience the giving and receiving love?
I ask because most of us assume we know what love is but my observation is that we don’t and so accept less then what we deserve. Or worse don’t believe we deserve better. Better the experience we know then the uncertainty without it?
In my life, there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
January 7, 2021 at 1:17 pm #372386
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by Peter.
Thank you for that observation Peter. I have had a chance to look inwardly for quite sometime since facing this head on. I’ve realized that much of my life the giving and receiving of love has been reduced to mere crumbs. My childhood experiences with my main caregiver was constantly learning how to readjust to just getting “any type of acceptance and attention” I have now realized that it is the driving force with much of my relationships (or lack thereof). The resounding premise has always been I just want to be loved. I’m so scared to lose anyone because I’ve never had anyone. I mean that literally. My only paternal parent created a lot of separation and abandonment when I was a child. Indeed, I know I have to work on this. Seeing the effects of all of this I have such a hard time separating myself from situations that are not fruitful for me. I honestly want to see the good in all of this. I’m so confused. Especially when he is attentive in short bouts.January 7, 2021 at 1:19 pm #372387
YesJanuary 7, 2021 at 1:36 pm #372388
“he is attentive in short bouts”- that’s the “mere crumbs” of love that you referred to.
“I just want to be loved”- and those crumbs, those short bouts of attention, is the only love you have available for you, and without those crumbs- you have nothing, so you feel, so you believe.
And it may be true, but it doesn’t have to be this way for the rest of your life. There is more love for you than those crumbs. I believe it to be true.
anitaJanuary 7, 2021 at 2:05 pm #372390
I get it Dee. The fear of losing what you have, those moments of attention, when you imagine that maybe this time it will last…
I understand loneliness, the worst is feeling alone even when your with those you care about.
I don’t normally respond to relationship posts. I will say this. relationships are a crucible in which the self is revealed. We well confront the best and worse of ourselves. Try not to attach your sense of self to what is revealed, the purpose is to learn and grow. If their is no growth the experience of love becomes tainted, stuck and LOVE will push back.January 7, 2021 at 3:02 pm #372394
Thank you Anita.
I believe it to be true also. The problem is I don’t know how to break free. To get what I want… because I am afraid of losing the little bit of crumbs that I have. I admit that if I had greater self esteem and more of a positive outlook I could overcome this easier. I’ve learned many things during this relationship. One of them being self love. I honestly don’t know where it begins. I am trying to be more conscious of my thoughts. I can see why I am so doubtful of WHO I Am or WHAT I can be. Again much from childhood where My mother told me that I was unattractive and that I wouldn’t amount to much at all. I’m trying to believe that I am worthy but it’s so unbelievably hard.
I’m trying to break free from unhappiness. I really am. It’s so damn hard. I know it starts with me. I remember I once had a friend that said to me, “ snap out of it! The love that’s in fairytales and romance doesn’t exist. I know that’s what you want, but it isn’t realistic.”January 7, 2021 at 3:18 pm #372395
Thank you Peter.
Indeed. I have learned a lot about myself immensely. I think this is the first relationship where I can truly pinpoint what I want. Albeit I struggle with wondering if I am too needy. Yet to your point, I want to make sure that I understand what you are conveying. My experience in relationships should always be where I am evolving and growing? The experience should be an ebb and flow? Where there is conflict and pushback concerning love whether it be from me or the other person are key signals that should alert me? Do I understand that correctly?
As of late my heart has been so full, so heavy. The triggers, the anxiety… it’s like my heart keeps propelling me to have my needs fulfilled. I don’t want to push him away by being too needy. Yet, I’m also quite overwhelmed in determining if what I am asking is fair and just. I keep fighting to get my point across. Yet to my chagrin , I don’t think he is listening. Or to Anita’s point he isn’t overly concerned just comfortable.January 7, 2021 at 4:13 pm #372406
I will read your recent posts and reply when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 8, 2021 at 7:58 am #372434
You are welcome. “I am so doubtful of WHO I Am or WHAT I can be”-
– You are a woman who wants to love and be loved, and you can be that woman.
“My mother told me that I was unattractive and I wouldn’t amount to much at all”- to a child, her mother is god almighty, whatever god aka mother says is the word of god. So, the child believes what her mother says.
“I’m trying to believe that I am worthy but it’s so unbelievably hard”- I know how hard it is. I too believed that I was not worthy. What a surprise it was for me when I finally believed otherwise- I had no idea how it felt to be worthy until I felt it. The reason that as adults, it’s so difficult to stop believing what mother told us when we were children, is that her words are etched in our brain… and although we shed our skin, we don’t shed our brain- our childhood brain and her words in it are still part of us at any age.
Your friend told you “snap out of it!”. To snap out of something means to stop experiencing something unpleasant- well you can snap out of an uncomfortable, tight piece of clothing by removing it.. but you can’t remove your brain.
She told you “love that’s in fairytales and romance doesn’t exist”- love exists; fairytales and the fictional romance genre of stories do not exist in real life.
“I’m also quite overwhelmed in determining if what I am asking is fair and just”- asking that a man you are with does not engage sexually with other women online or in person is fair and just, for your safety (STDs) and for your mental health.
“I keep fighting to get my point across”- I would admit defeat in that fight, if I was you: he is not motivated to listen to what you say, so .. it doesn’t matter what you say (unless it is about something that concerns him, ex. he will listen and answer you if you ask him what he wants for dinner).
anitaJanuary 9, 2021 at 11:53 am #372473
My experience in relationships should always be where I am evolving and growing? The experience should be an ebb and flow? Where there is conflict and pushback concerning love whether it be from me or the other person are key signals that should alert me?
I think your story cough my attention because its something I also wonder about. When do we know when were asking for to much or not enough. In relationship we seek out a ebb and flow of balance. I think that feeling of being alone and sadness that you describe so well is a alert that something is out of balance.
Knowing what it is that we authentically need is one thing. Learning how to ask for what we need in relationship is another. Both require work and a relationship ought to be a safe place to do that work (play with that balance). Of course even here balance and discernment is required. Few enjoy a relationship which is under constant analyses and work. (I like the perspective of play here. Few things tends to be either or. Healthy flexible boundaries, there is a time for all things)
Counseling I suspect could help, personal and or couple. Not about blame, we all fail each other in some ways. Its a question of about better if better is possible. I related to your feeling of loneliness you described and I can’t believe that is the best we should expect from relationship and doubt Love/Life will accept loneliness as growth.