Actually this isn’t true. I just remembered that years ago I loved to attend renaissance fairs. Specifically a local private one that they put on once a year. It started on a Saturday and ended whenever. I attended when my kids were tiny. Like in the 10 years I attended, I was nursing, pregnant or had tiny babies. Anyway I haven’t been able to attend for one reason or another for several years. This year my oldest turned 18 so I bought tickets for her and I to attend. She’s super excited to go because now that she’s 18 she can stay the whole time (always at 3pm all the kids had to leave). This event is happening next week. I forgot I need to be excited for this. And this time she gets to see the real jousting with actual horses and “knights in shining armor”. This is what I need to be excited for and screw the sadness I’ve been feeling.

Anita I really do appreciate you taking the time to answer each time I comment. It really means a lot that there are caring people that will help people they don’t even know. Friends are kind of hard to come by for me at the moment and I’m glad you’ve helped me feel better by talking with me.

That is a very good point. I didn’t even realize that’s how I phrased it. And I guess if I’m honest l, my heart wants to have hope, my brain however is realistic. So there’s a lot of back and forth. Like I’ll catch myself having conversations with him in my head about how things went down or my opinion on his or my behavior. I try to me mindful of that and acknowledge what I’m doing and change the subject in my head. What really helps me is my work. I have two fantastic jobs that I only recently got and working all day then coming home and momming it up with my kids helps so much. The weekends kind of blow because the kids are with their dad and I’m alone. My friends who live by me do Kid sports and other family stuff so a lot of times I just hang out by my self. It doesnt help that I live in a remote area so there’s no meet up kind of activities I can go to and meet new people. I mean I could go to the local bar but I’ve been giving my liver a break. (As they say when the heart and brain fight, it’s the liver that suffers). I don’t need to bring myself down farther!

I know I’m gonna be ok, it’s just the missing and omg the dreams! I have dreams about him, like doing normal every day things and I wake up all discombobulated. So yeah I still cry about it from time to time. Ok now I’m rambling! Ttys

The wedge was that my ex husband decided to put a trailer to live in on my property in spite of me telling him absolutely not but because the house is in both our names there wasn’t any thing I could do to stop him legally. My guy ended up deciding because I “didn’t do enough to prevent it”,  in his eyes, and he came to the conclusion that I really didn’t want to move on to the next step with him and backed off. And no amount of words would change his mind. In spite of me looking for jobs in his area, (oh also we live about 2hrs from each other), looking for houses with him, changing all my dentist, doctor stuff to that area, etc. To me it is something resolvable because I knew my ex husband would be leaving as soon as he could (he left after two months and while he was there he only stayed in the trailer when it was his time with the kids).

My conclusion was that he felt insecure about how I felt about him and rather than talking about it, he bounced before he got really hurt. But apparently it was a bigger deal to him, something that wasn’t resolvable. Of course that makes me feel like he wasn’t as “all in” to the relationship as I thought. It just sucks because we went from happy couple excited about our future to him thinking I didn’t want to be with him. Which couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

I just hate that it’s been half a year and our separation/break up is still as fresh as it was when it happened. I’ve never taken this long to get over someone. Even the thought of going on a date with someone else gives me anxiety.

So the biggest one would be this. We spent a lot of time camping throughout the year. He had a fantastic group of people we camped with. Me and mine got along with them. There was a lot of night campfires and he was famous for his “Irish goodbyes” meaning he’d get up to pee or get another drink then go to bed with out anyone knowing. That’s totally cool except a lot of times he wouldn’t tell me. I told tell him it’s ok he does that but just let me know because it hurt my feelings that he didn’t say goodnight. Once he knew that he would sometimes tell me and I’d be ok with it then sometimes he wouldn’t and it’d bother me.