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Jeanne ForsytheParticipantAnita,
You are so right! And I knew it was wrong of me to ask my friends to visit her. So, I don’t anymore.
She does get help. First of all, she is married and he takes her everywhere she needs to go. Secondly, she gets some meals on wheels and physical therapy.
She WANTS friendship. That one is tough because it’s depressing to be around her for very long. And when she’s delightful to be with (which is also often), she won’t let you leave or get off the phone. You’d have to walk out while she was talking.
I tell her upfront (I have to leave by 9pm) and she’ll say “Can you just put my trash can out?” AS I’m leaving her house.
I need to let her know she needs to respect other people’s time and then maybe she’ll have more visitors.Thanks!
JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantThank you everyone.
I try to pull back a little. Then I’ll go over and see how she’s struggling to make her bed. Or she gets all teary that she misses me.There are two other neighborhood women who are my close close friends. We used to hang out here and there with this depressed friend. I’ll call them Kelly and Jo. So I asked Kelly and Jo (both don’t work) to please check in on her now and then…maybe even visit or go out for lunch.
They won’t. They both said she’s too much of a downer, she’s never ready on time and she moves way too slowly (because of the artificial leg). I had to let that go. I know I can’t ask other people to do what I don’t have time for now that I work full time.
Then I said to Jo that I was going to go visit the depressed friend. She asked if she could come along. I said, “Of course, but why not visit her on your own sometimes so she gets TWO visits.” She said she doesn’t like to because it’s hard to leave. My depressed neighbor is really bad about saying “before you go can I ask you __________” and it’s never something you can answer or show her quickly.
My depressed neighbor is my friend. I do love her. She fills a mother figure void for me. And, yes, I feel good when I help her. I just wish some other people would help her too because it’s too much for me.
Thanks everyone!
JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantI love Anita’s advice! Try reading “Where Ever You Go There You Are.” It helps teach you to be in the moment.
Try to get out in nature…take a hike, paddle a kayak. Pick up a hobby. Painting, photography, wood burning, bird house painting, or evening knitting! It helped one of my uncles. When you are creating you are in the moment, the zone, unable to constantly think about troubles, fears etc.Fill your senses. When you eat a strawberry, eat it slowly. Look at how beautiful it is. Smell it. Taste it. Feel it on your fingertips.
Another trick I’ve used is the rubber band around the wrist. Snap it when you say something bad to yourself in your mind.
You are the only one of you in this entire world. No one else has your background, genetic code, thoughts, talents…NO ONE.
Every morning look in the mirror and say one thing you like about yourself physically and personality wise.Love yourself daily. Put one hand on each shoulder and hug yourself before you go to bed.
JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantI would suggest Meetup.com
When you join (it’s free), you search by your own interests.
My boss went through a divorce and was lonely. I suggested it to him. He joined a sailing group.
The thing with Meetup is these people want to be around people who enjoy something they enjoy. There are photography groups, art, sailing, caving……the list is a mile long.In order to find a really good friend, you’ll need to be one. Recognize people’s birthdays. Ask them about their weekend or recent trip. Join facebook and invite them. It grows from there. However, I can’t promise tons of great friends. I feel blessed to have ONE golden friend and several people I can laugh with and have coffee with. And my new job with increased hours has left my best friend a little lonely and missing me. I hate it. But I had to work more. I just try to squeeze in coffee…a quick text…a card in the mail…and an occasional gals evening.
Best of luck. Hang in there!
Jeanne ForsytheParticipantDear Bill,
I wanted to be an artist since I was 10 years old. My father told me I couldn’t make a living at it, so I studied Graphic Design and minored in art. It may seem my dad was a dream crusher, but the truth is, it IS hard to make a living creating art. By majoring in Graphic Design in Mass Communications, I was able to easily get a job and do my art on the side.
So, I had a regular paycheck and enjoyed creating whatever I wanted.
I loved that I had a formal art education. I use some of what I was taught nearly every time I paint!
Honestly, at one point I lost my heart for Graphic Design. I went years without doing it. I turned to fine art, but couldn’t make a decent living at it.
So, I’m doing graphic design again. Only now I love it. So I think that is life. When anything becomes hard work and is someone else’s vision, it’s hard to feel as content as creating what we want to create.
Just find a balance. Keep art at least as a minor. And you could consider teaching (teaching art), graphic design (artistic on most days), or even business and corporate life, but having an art website.
Good luck!Jeanne ForsytheParticipantWhen I was in my 20s and in love with a man I dated five years, I knew I’d never get over it.
I’m not going to tease you. It takes a while. At some point, you’ll realize you weren’t meant to be together. And if you were, your paths will cross again.
I am now married to a man who supports my dreams. I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me financially. You deserve better than that!
Not only did I get over that first love, I am so happy we didn’t end up together! Now I know what it feels like when someone loves you back.
You are very young and it breaks my heart to hear of your pain. I think of my sons and pray they never feel that pain. But they probably will. It happens to everyone. You will survive!
Focus on what you can do to make your life right and only then pursue love. We all need to earn money … even if it’s not a lot. And we all need to take care of ourselves first.
Journal your thoughts. Make a plan. Get a hobby you love. Go out and enjoy nature. Learn an instrument. The more peaceful you become, the more you will attract the right person. NEVER EVER EVER tell yourself there is only one person. There isn’t. There are millions and millions.
HUGS!Jeanne ForsytheParticipantI wouldn’t have gone out of my way, that’s for sure. But she was sitting with the co-worker I was hugging. So I wanted to acknowledge her.
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JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantThank you Anita,
I am really trying. I saw her this morning and smiled and said “Hi Kristi”, thanks to the advice here. She didn’t reply or smile, but that’s okay.Her work partner probably knows nothing of any of this and returned today from an overseas trip. She greeted me with the biggest smile and hug.
I hadn’t thought about projection onto others with the pains of the world. All I know is I was feeling so out of sorts and frustrated and down…My heart actually hurt. Not just from this unfortunate event, but maybe it was the straw. I just felt “I can’t take it anymore.” I really felt close to a breakdown. I began googling “how to deal with difficult people” and “self confidence” and “change your life” and I found this site. It’s been a GOD SEND!Once again, thankful for you all!
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JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantAl and xeeveex,
Thank you so much for the support and insight. I certainly agree she has to have issues. Recently, my old boss who retired told me that Kristi’s boss said she’s dealt with a lot in the past. I admit it really helps when you try to see the whole person and not a bad day.However, I also have an abusive past and it is no excuse to mistreat people. It’s probably why it hurts me so deeply. I promised myself as an adult I would never allow abuse that I could not prevent as a child happen again.
Today, unlike last week, I’m glad this happened. I feel closer to my cubicle neighbors and I found this site on my search for some peace of mind. Hearing from all of you amazing beautiful souls has truly lifted and inspired me.
In a world where we often feel people are bad, hateful, selfish…just WOW…you are all proof there truly are beautiful people in the world!
Thank you!
JeanneJeanne ForsytheParticipantThanks so much Joe. I’ve always had the problem of wanting everyone to love me or at least like me.
I just don’t get it. But I’m ready to let it go thanks to all of the support here!
Sad thing is I even wrote her a personalized birthday song that I sang for her when she first started here!Jeanne
Jeanne ForsytheParticipantThank you Peppermint!
I feel the love. And I needed it!
🙂Jeanne ForsytheParticipantDear Tessa,
It hurts our feelings when a close friend says we’re “too” anything! I don’t even like being called “too nice” because I feel like a sucker.
You’re probably not too intense. However, it would be best for you if you find a way not to obsess or put the cart before the horse, so to speak.Try not to project what you hope the relationship will be and just try to enjoy it one day at a time.
When you talk with your friend, are you allowing adequate pauses between thoughts? If you sound frantic and are rambling it can come across as too intense. Be sure you are also asking her about her life.
Imagining the worst is nearly as bad as if it happened. It isn’t helping you.
I have a close friend who is terribly stressed about work and money. I love her. But I can’t call her anymore. I check in via email.
She starts a frantic stream of thoughts “I have to keep this job. If I lose this job I’ll lose my house. My boss hates me and I don’t feel good at what I do and I think they’ll figure it out and fire me….”Read that and tell me how it makes you feel? It’s intense and it stresses me because there’s never a break from it with her. She needs therapy because our friends are not our therapists.
It may help you to talk to someone professionally if your thoughts run rampant. Or start by saying in your head “Stop. Is there proof? Is it helping to think that way?” And go out and have fun with your friend!
Remember to take some deep breaths. Maybe journal. When you write how you feel it truly helps. You can look back at it, reread and if you still feel the same anxiety, then confide in a friend…make sure it’s in a relaxed environment. Don’t bring it up at the end of a long work day (for her). Spend some quiet fun time with her. Then later in the day ask her if she thinks whatever you are concerned about is truly a concern.
Good luck.
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