Absolutely Anita, I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he’s telling me the truth about the past. There is something that wants me to…. since he finally opened up about things I had no idea about. (I always thought he only told me about the first girl because I FOUND OUT) and it always was uneasy to me to sit and think that there could be others I really don’t have the perfect “situation/time/proof” for. So when he told me it also made me think wow ok so he would tell me things I didn’t even have a clue about. Something in me says…. why would he tell me about those 2 if I had no clue about those and there was more anyways….. like what would that accomplish? Setting us 50 steps back to just go back again later down the road. So something in me tells me he IS telling the truth, but then my anxiety kicks in.

Skmething you wrote yesterday stuck with me and it was “what did he do that is so bad that he wants to deal with this constant punishment” and it made me automatically think he has cheated. Especially with how his confession went to me. Short story: the girl he had sex with he claimed was the day before a certain event we broke up after the event that night but the day before we were together… so he told me it was when we were together he guesses (because I explained to him the dates) and then 12 hours later he’s like wait… it wasn’t then it was 2 months prior to that day when XYZ happened and then the story made more sense… but I always come back to him and say… how could you tell me you cheated and then realize you dxint… wouldn’t you have been realizing that everyday…. his response I knew I didn’t. I really knew I didn’t. When I was with you I was never put with anyone I was happy yeah I had thoughts maybe I want to be single but I never ever wanted to cheat I would never even go out without you. Still I’m not understanding how you can TYPE and say I guess I am technically a cheater since we broke up the next day to then… wait what it wasn’t even that day. Side note: I messaged the girl on his phone to find out what day it was and she said syllabus week aka the first week of school aka yes it was August not November.

Then Anita, for you I asked him what you wanted to know. I asked him… why do you put up with me? Why are you an innocent man constantly putting up with being labeled as a cheater if that’s not what you are? You don’t deserve to be questioned constantly if you’re being honest? Why don’t you leave me. And his response: I deserve it. I lied for a long time. I involved 3 girls in our breakup. I lied to your face. I know we havw trust issues right now because of it and I know that eventually when time passes these questions will stop but until then I’m ok with them. They don’t bother me because I know I didn’t cheat. I love you and that’s why I stay. And I know I caused all of this but I promise I am not a xheater. Ultimately contradicting to what you said… he feels that what he did is REALLY BAD. Which I mean to plenty of people involving girls just 1-2 days after a break up 3 times is hurtful… and lying about it for so long makes it 10 times worse & he sees what it’s done to me. He also keeps bringing up that he wouldn’t lie in front of my mom that is so messed up and he told me because he wanted to start fresh and what would be the reason if he was going to still be lying. For that he would’ve just kept those other things. But something else tells me…. why not distract me with the girls when we weren’t together and leave out the one when we WERE together (if there is one)…. but then again, at first he did actually say I technically did cheat if you’re saying we were together that night so if he admitted that (before realizing it wasn’t in October) he would’ve just come forward if he cheated with someone else. I think? I really don’t Know.

Anita.

I have thought many times exactly what you are saying. Sometimes I think…. am I abusive? And I freak myself out because I don’t want to be that…. but then sometimes I tell myself is HE abusive? I think it’s a little crazy to lie to someone so much and agree that they need help and constantly reassure someone so much when in fact…. you’re lying to their face and then I sometimes struggle with… is that something I should put up with “is he really as bad as I think he is that I should just leave?”.

I know I’m young I know this is my first relationship I know it’s a learning process but if you actually think I am the abusive one… how can I change that? How can I not be this monster ? I can say that where I am from my culture I’m Cuban Brazilian that my ENTIRE family is made up of dominant women and the woman is always the one that “wears the pants”. I can say it hasn’t worked out so well my grandma got cheated on my great grandma got divorced my mom was abused and now she is in complete control of the relationship with my step dad but I don’t think their relationship is HEALTHY.

Are all the mistakes my boyfriend has made and the decisions he’s made partly due to my behavior and my controlling/abusive behavior???

I know you only know our relationship through this website and not firsthand. But we really are the most affectionate couple on the planet. He is my biggest supporter I am his. I help him with school make his class schedules I constantly motivate him to become what I think he could be and he does the same for me. It’s not all this abusive and nonsense all the time at all I guess it only occurs when I have obsessive thoughts about what he did/lied about/what else there is etc or when I’m REALLY happy with him.

I don’t want to look back at this relationship and think that I was abusive and didn’t even know really know it or try to fix it. How can I make this change? I told you he is willing to go to counseling alone to figure himself out and why he feels that sometimes he lacks empathy (AKA looking at me in the face CRYING & still lying).

I just don’t get why no matter what anyone tells me “oh you didn’t need to know” “he did nothing wrong except lie about it” I still constantly think what he did was like the biggest sin in the world and I am a fool for forgiving and letting go of it.

Also with him changing he doesn’t say it was because of me exactly he says he just realized what was important and that his fooling around and drunk college ways wasn’t going to benefit his future and he wanted to act like a grown man.

I really don’t want to break up I don’t I really don’t. I want to fix myself and stop my behavior and focus on moving forward and forgiving his indiscretions. And I want him to be healthy enough to have dignity and be an honest man but I also do want him to have equal control when it comes to the relationship.

Another thing I can add and you can give opinion on is that I take this relationship TOO seriously. I’m not seeing it for what it is… a college relationship. An experience. A time to have fun have a partner and just do a period of time together even if it’s not forever. We had so many fun things planned for this semester and so many exciting things happening and if I could just live in the moment I think I would be SO happy. I feel like I’m seeing this as a marriage, a marriage I’m clearly too young to be in instead of just as a life experience everyone has. Does that make sense?

Hmm. I actually have no idea about that I couldn’t even try to explain it a little bit. I would hate to be in his position and I told him recently that if he is still hiding stuff he is never going to be happy with himself and is always going to carry around something and why would someone want to do that? Our relationship will never develope and we will keep moving backwards if I find something out new every couple of months. Why is he scared to be honest about everything at once? Why didn’t he tell me everything the firs time? Why live with guilt? Something I really can’t do.

He doesn’t know I post online and he’s so private he would probably think it’s a bad idea that I do so I don’t think it’s a good idea if I told him to post. I have some other things I was reflecting on the last couple of hours.

I think that I am afraid to be happy with him because I focus TOO much of my happiness solely on him. I dread thinking in the present moment what happened in the past or what will I find out in the future to avoid me from being vulnerable and happy, when really…. I have to focus that I AM my own happiness. I think being so consumed the last year on everything but the present is ruining our relationship. I have been since the first wrong doing of his living scared. Scared makes me crazy or controlling and controlling and crazy makes him rebel randomly break up with me and makes him lie (maybe to be back in control???)

i think I am so controlling and such a strong personality woman while hes passive and submissive and timid with himself that the only thing he feels he has control of his maybe his lies? He’s mistakes? I am not sure. From my understanding and his constant words and paragraphs and emails it was a phase. A phase is all he can call it and a constant unhappiness being together when we first got to college that when he would be single he would feel free and just say “f it” I’m doing whatever I want and I’m not going to think about the consequences.

My boyfriend agreed that he will go to counseling to talk about why he lies and why he is okay with lying and living with that guilt. I think I’m going to go to our school counseling center explain & then him go to the same person later on.

can you explain your response post a little easier? I think I am quite confused. If I had a better understanding I could probably answer your questions! Or tell you about his history etc.

Anita,

The l don’t want to teach my boyfriend a lesson by getting with another man. Its more for myself. I feel like everytime we broke up I let him take control of me and I would sit at home crying acting like a child when I should’ve embraced myself, went out with my friends, enjoyed life and said oh well if he wants to break up well I am not going to sit around moping about it for days, and thats what I did. I think he’s taken advantage that I am such a good girlfriend that I sit at home doing nothing that would make him mad, taking him back days later, that he can’t take me seriously. I feel that IF we got back together it would have to be in at least one month. I need to show him that I can do my own stuff too, I can leave him and still enjoy life.

Now, about HIM. Yes we were talking one day and he said he just didn’t really care to lie to people. I think he was being too “literal” because as human beings we all lie… it was always about stupid stuff. I mean one time he told me he lied to his ex that he was home and he was at his friends house… like nothing huge this is the first occurrence that I know of.

I understand your opinion on that he “didn’t” betray me, but I don’t understand how it isn’t betrayal. Yes he was single…but for like 4 days. I think many people would agree that it is the right thing to do to tell your partner.. and that you should always be honest with them. I asked him multiple times about the incident and he always said no. Maybe he is a pathological liar? I don’t know. Will I ever know?? I think what kept me asking him questions constantly was because I only found out about the first girl because I knew he slept at her house because we all share locations with our friends on Find My Friends and I knew he was there. And he was still lying about that situation AND I KNEW ABOUT IT. So I would always tell myself I wonder what there is that i just have NO CLUE ABOUT… I wonder what he’s hiding and its so easy to lie because I have no clue. Now that he’s told me these incidents, that I really would’ve never had any clue about…I guess I feel better in a way that he ACTUALLY came forward about something.

About him being mentally ill? I am not aware…. What he expresses to me is that he wasn’t sure if our relationship was going to last, he wasn’t that serious about it, there were times he wanted to enjoy college, but in the last 10 months…thats all changed. He said he really realized how much he loved me and he wanted to be serious. and he has been he’s proven this to me. He said that he didn’t want to tell me because he was scared to lose me over mistakes he made in our what he likes to call it “old relationship”. I think thats the issue here.

He doesn’t want to deal with the type of guy he was and he wanted to move forward, live together, grow together, and he didn’t want his past stupidity to ruin the future he now saw. Im not sure how that makes someone ill for staying with me? Im sure he was in distress and annoyed that I couldn’t “move on with him”, but at the end of the day he knows I wasn’t wrong and he knows he was lying and he knew he couldn’t tell me if he wanted this big “future” to happen. He’s only 21…I don’t think men really at this age see what lying really does, they see it more as a way to avoid drama. He also told me he saw what the first incident did to me that he never wanted to cause that pain to me again so he rather suffer himself, then tell me.

I think he is a good person who made a bad selfish decision. I know I’ve made bad decisions like all of us have.

But this mindset I have had for the last 2 months is just changing my perspective on everything. This summer was supposed to be the most fun summer and this was supposed to be the most fun upcoming fall and I can’t seem to be in the moment or move on from the past. Its a constant nagging feeling when I wake up in the past every single day, how can I possibly be happy? and then when someone has anxiety you question everything. So I ask myself am i still in love? am i just over it? did i get everything i needed from this relationship? was he just a lesson? and as my negative mindset continues, my feelings obviously change. But I think if I wasn’t in this mindset and I wasn’t thinking about the past every single day and bringing up old feelings and mistakes, I think I really would be happy.

Everyone in my situation would be happy and I can’t see that. Everyone that knows whats happened between me and boyfriend still continues to be in awe of how amazing he is. Even my family is like don’t let that one go, and my friends are always saying “you guys make my heart happy” and everyone just loves us and sees our relationship and my friends even tell me like i don’t know how he handles you thats literally the guy meant for you. Like everyone sees it except me because Im constantly clouded with anxiety.

I have the most accepting and loving boyfriend and Ill never understand why I can’t just FORGIVE. I think all these feelings are caused by resentment and really not truly forgiving him. Do you have any advice on how to TRULY forgive someone? He’s told me constantly how sorry he is and the reasoning behind it ( I didn’t think our relationship was really going to last past college, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be in a relationship, I was really selfish and immature, and I’ve lied to people around me my entire life without even caring, but you changed me and I promise to never be that guy again and you’re the only girl I want to marry etc). Like he is giving me everything I want to hear, he’s staying true to his word, he’s changed his actions, whats holding me back? What is holding me back from forgiving? I honestly don’t even know if I have EVER truly forgiven someone… when I have had friends that have done me wrong I never look back I never forgive I simply just take them out of my life, even family members sometimes… I tell myself all the time that God put my boyfriend in my life to make me a better person, a less selfish person, a more loving person, and a person that accepts that people have flaws and just like God forgives all of us I need to learn how to forgive my boyfriend…but why is this so hard? Why is there so much hurt? Why can’t i see the situation for what it is and not some crazy horrible deceitful affair or something. Why am I seeing this situation in such a dramatic bad light?

Hi Anita,

just wanted to ask you a question that I’ve been asking myself. Like you already know, the last 2-3 months of my relationship have been VERY distressful and anxious. I have been in a cycle of constant reassurance, constant question asking, constant doubting my relationship, and constantly living in the past, and MONTHS of this have made me very unhappy, which I think anyone that is living in my mentality is going to be unhappy. I need to change and I know that. But sometimes I tell myself do I feel this way because it’s my body speaking to me that I shouldn’t be in this relationship? Or do I feel this way soley because I am doing this to myself and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to be happy with anyone with this mentality…. I like to think “if I change today” if I work towards the day if I resist the compulsions to ask questions, to think of the past, to focus on the past, that I suddenly will be happy and in love and undoubtful again. But something in me scares me that this is a waste of time and I’m not going to get happiness with my boyfriend and my stomach sinks.

Is my OCD/anxiety just trying to get me to believe that my boyfriend is the problem and not me. Like you’ve said and my therapist, the content of my obsessions are useless it’s how they make me feel. Like you’ve said before if I wasn’t obsessing about him or my relationship it would be something else, it’s just always going to be something. Which puts me back in perscpectuve with its ME not HIM and NOT our relationship.

I’m so sick of feeling this way and I’ve been on vacation the last 2 weeks so I haven’t been able to see my therapist. Also my boyfriend is so understanding and nice and he constantly apologizes and TODAY he told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and he’s in love with me and he’s so sorry and that he just wants to move on from the past and enjoy life with me and I got so anxious when he told me this, I think I felt guilt that I’m constantly doubting our relationship and he’s there so positive that our relationship is amazing and he says so loving and happy and deals with me like no one else. He’s always doing acts of kindness and telling me and everyone how I’ve changed him so much and he’s so happy with who he’s become and I hate that I’m so focused on the bad. This is probably the worst “funk” I’ve had in our relationship and I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll ever be able to be happy with him again.

I don’t want my OCD and anxiety winning anita. 8 don’t want it to drive me to the point I am at now where the only way I think to relieve my distress would be to break up. I feel as THAT if someone was in my situation without anxiety and OCD, they would’ve been fine by now. They would’ve moved on accepted and that’s it. I hate how much control this has on my thoughts.

Good Morning Anita,

so yesterday I had a really long serious talk with my boyfriend. I told him how unhappy I am with myself and that I hate being this crazy jealous and insecure girlfriend. I told him I know it’s his actions that have caused me to become like this but I’m not sure if I could change back to how I was with or without him. I told him I don’t want to break up but I am not sure if love is enough to stay in a relationship. I told him how I HAVENT really forgiven him for his actions and I am beyond scared to get hurt or surprised again.

I tried to explain to him that my biggest fear in life is someone coming up to me telling me something I didn’t know and me finding out once again that he hasn’t been truthful with me. 8 can’t make myself vulnerable again to let that happen. I told him I can’t stay like this and I’m going to have to do a lot of work on myself and we’re going to have to work together because things cannot stay like this.

He again talked to me reassured me that he’s not lying. He tells me that back then he just didn’t care as much and didn’t think our relationship was going to make it past college. He tells me how he was immature stupid and was being influenced by all the wrong people. He also talked to me about the girl he got involved with and States how he had liked her before me so when she came around he wanted to hang out hook up whatever it may be only because they had a past. He reassure some me that he never once tried to talk to a random girl and that’s never been his personality. I understand why he did what he did and maybe why he lied but I can’t find myself able of full trusting at the moment.

Now this is my favorite part. After talking and me explaining what I’m scared of my boyfriend says it’s not healthy to live in the past and we need to move forward and I completely agree… but then he says…. if you were to find something out later why does it matter if it was in the past? Why are you so stuck in the past?…. this turned my stomach. Is he insinuating that there is something else that happened? Is he trying to understand why I would care to know??? I tried to tell him that LYING about it is in the present and i can’t find out again that he’s been lying or I’m going to be devastated. He says he understands and that it came out wrong, that he’s just saying why does the past matter so much etc. but it’s not the past, it’s the lying and betrayal that I’m scared of. I’m scared to become vulnerable again and LET someone make me happy. I’m not sure he understands or ever will understand. Really in a tough place because I’m not getting better. And I know I’m not getting better because I have gotten into the cycle of asking a question everyday and doubting him and googling and thinking to myself constantly about what he may be lying about and how he’s going to hurt me again. I know I’m miserable because I PUT MYSELF in this cycle and haven’t gotten out, but I’m not sure if I can get out of this cycle being with him. I really don’t want to break up with a great guy because I can’t get myself together.