Hi everyone,

I found this forum by searching the phrase “when you like someone but still miss your ex”. This situation somewhat mirrors my own. My ex and I️ met and quickly connected. We talked for one week before we kissed on the first date, and we became exclusive just a week after that. We began things very quickly in my opinion, not to mention he was the first guy I’ve ever been serious about and my “first love”. I️ experienced a lot of firsts with him, and it was very fun and as you said, David, intense. Although we were complete opposites, he quickly became my drug. I️ simply couldn’t get enough of him and we were both addicted to each other. Several members of our respective friend groups started dating at the same time period as us, and there was always a constant comparison and betting as to who would last the longest. Everyone constantly put pressure on themselves to be the best couple, but in some way my ex and I️ trusted each other and knew that we didn’t have to try to prove our connection to anyone. We also seemed to be moving at a very slow and steady pace compared to others, so from the outside looking in we were in a healthy relationship which chose to believe.

I would classify myself as an optimistic individual that is anxious, but depression is not characteristic of me. My ex expressed his depressed nature even before we even went on our first date and chose to reveal very vulnerable secrets about his past – I read this as him finding trust in me and him feeling comfortable enough to tell me these things. Although I still feel that way,  I did not realize that him telling me constantly about these lingering thoughts of torment for the next 6 months of my life would take a toll on me.  I would work myself up over the smallest thing about his depression, and he told me constantly because he knew I would give him the attention he was looking for since he found it no where else. He has a troubled past with his family, and I always thought I could fix him (rule of thumb: you will never fix anyone). He knew I was always one to promote positivity, but his mood eventually affected mine. When he was upset, there was automatically a shift in my demeanor (apparent to my family and friends especially). I would always choose to hang out with him over my friends and even at times over family events because I felt like he needed me to know I cared. I always thought he would give me the same respect I gave him if I ever was upset for an extended period of time over something, but boy was I wrong. When I told him how I was feeling, he put all of the blame on me for feeling sad. He would say things such as “Why do you do this to yourself?” and “I never know what to say when you get like this, why are you putting me in this position?” (how ironic, right?) Ultimately, he ended it unexpectedly because he said I “overthought too much”. I was absolutely heartbroken and was confused by his answer, mainly because I never told him my issues in case he felt like I was trying to take the attention off of him. After the breakup, we agreed to remain civil and he was even enthusiastic about it, since we were the ones out of our now integrated friend group to break up first.

I still could not tell you the conclusive reason why we broke up. It was by no means a healthy relationship in the end, and I see that now. However, the reasons he gave for not wanting to be together were very fixable (all of his friends have allegedly pointed this out to him, and are on my “side” of the breakup – he still has not given them a conclusive answer as to why he ended things). Since the breakup, he has been the most rude, hateful person, and simply he has proven to be someone who I thought he wasn’t. He flat out ignored my existence when I tried to say a simple hello at an awkward moment where he was standing right in front of me just looking at me. It certainly made me doubt myself and question my self-worth, how could someone that I knew everything about act like they didn’t even know me? It ripped me apart for 2 months after the breakup. I finally realized (with the help of many family and friends who saw right through him already, even his own friends) that I deserve better and to have carefree, fun love – where in my past relationship I was constantly anxious about his well-being over my own.

About 2 weeks ago, I reconnected with a friend that I met right around the time me and my ex started dating. He never stood out to me then, but he is a very well liked guy by everyone I know and we were acquaintances. I was dragged to a party that this friend was at, and he drunkenly expressed that he liked me from the moment he met me, which was months before. I wasn’t originally interested in him, but I was definitely taken aback when he said those things while he knew I was dating my now ex. Later in the night he told me that sober or not he’s liked me for a while now, and we got to talking. Long story short, I’ve developed strong feelings for this guy after talking to him and casually kissing him a few times. We’ve both expressed that we do like each other more than just a casual hookup, but we are definitely taking things much slower than I did with my ex. This guy is so much nicer and happier than my ex, and I never have a worry or nerve with him. We laugh, talk, and bond with no pressure. I don’t feel the same electricity I had with my ex, and I’m constantly thinking about that connection but much less than I once did. What I need to know is if it’s too soon to even judge whether or not me and this new guy have a connection? We are still very much getting to know each other, but I can tell that I really do like him and see things going further. Since my ex and I got to know each other while already having the security of being together, I’m nervous about liking someone and not knowing where it’s going to go. I am constantly wondering if I’m only going to experience that chemistry with my ex and no one else when I desperately want to. Getting all of this out on this post surprisingly has helped me realize how good this new guy is for me, but I still can’t help but think about what if my ex and I never broke up. Please help!!! Also, David, I am also wondering if you are still with your new girlfriend. Thank you.

-Francesca