Forum Replies Created
August 25, 2013 at 2:00 pm #41150
You’re right. I can’t assume that I just “am” a certain way, somehow implying that I can’t change.
Thank you. 🙂August 25, 2013 at 10:25 am #41128
Your message just gave me this warm feeling inside! Thank you so much.
I know it’s dangerous to take labels too seriously, but to a point they can be helpful in learning to understand and accept yourself.
“Love addiction” does sound like a weird concept, but it made a lot of sense to me when I read about it. They actually say it’s a variation of codependency. I have to admit, though, that “codependent” sounds a little nicer than “love addict”…
I will look into Mellody’s books. Thanks for the tip!August 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm #41100
Wow, that is quite a story. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through.
My first thought is that, as painful as it is for you now, he was right to cut you off completely. You simply can’t heal from something like this if you keep being reminded of the other person, because it’s hard enough not to think about them as it is. What you need to do right now is focus on yourself, and by cutting you off he is helping you to do that. I know it’s hard, but you have to maintain your resolve not to contact him. It will get easier as time goes on. But for now, you are unable to see things clearly because of your feelings. It’s only once those feelings have dispersed that you’ll be able to see the situation as it truly is… But it takes time for that to happen.
I totally understand what you mean about feeling like you’re a good person outside relationships, but having your ugly side come out whenever you’re in a relationship. The same thing seems to happen to me, and I think it happens to a lot of people. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Why is it that our ugly side only comes out around the very people we’re supposed to love the most? I guess it’s because we don’t feel secure in our ability to love and care for ourselves, so we get desperate to hold onto the love and care of someone else.
I don’t know what else to tell you except that things will get better with time. You’re doing the right things by being active and spending time with friends and family. Keep doing those things even if you don’t feel like it and even if it seems like it’s not helping. If nothing else, being active and spending time with friends will help you resist the temptation to contact him.
And one more thing: I encourage you to open yourself up to the possibility that L is not the only guy out there for you. There are more eligible single guys out there than you could ever meet in your lifetime, many of whom could be a good match for you. Maybe some of them would even be better for you than L was. How can you know until you give them a chance? Personally I don’t believe in the idea that there’s just one soulmate out there for each of us, and I think this kind of thinking is unhealthy. Maybe you and L will get back together, or maybe you won’t. But you have to realize that neither of these outcomes will doom you to loneliness or unhappiness.
Ask yourself what you could have been meant to learn from this relationship with L. Realize that even if it wasn’t meant to last, it had a purpose: It taught you something. Take the lesson to heart and move on. You will be fine.
In the meantime, please try to have compassion for yourself. You were only doing the best you could with what you knew and understood at the time. You may have made mistakes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.
I wish you all the best.August 24, 2013 at 11:43 am #41099
Thank you for your kind words.
I know time heals all things, but I certainly hope it won’t take as long as one or two years to get over this!
I have an unfortunate tendency to beat myself up and blame myself for everything, but the replies here and the words of a few friends are helping me to see that it really wasn’t all my fault.August 24, 2013 at 11:39 am #41097
Thank you for your reply, and I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. It’s awful when someone who once doted over you suddenly gives you the cold shoulder, especially when you haven’t done anything to deserve it.
I know it was a huge red flag that he was basically using me as his therapist to help him sort out all the issues with his ex. I know it’s standard dating advice that you shouldn’t talk about your ex, and that anyone who goes on and on about their ex is someone you should stay away from. But I was trying too hard to be noble and compassionate… I thought to myself, “I don’t want to treat this like some kind of game. He obviously needs to talk about this, and if he trusts me with it, how can I not listen?” But I was forgetting to love myself first. I should have immediately written him off as a potential romantic partner and given myself the space I needed to get over my feelings for him. But oh well… You live, you learn, right?
I have blocked him from all my social media accounts, and he has blocked me as well… The only thing that’s not blocked now is email. I guess I should block that as well, but it’s kind of hard to “pull the trigger” and burn the last bridge, you know? Anyway, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to contact me. I think the most important thing is to have him blocked on Facebook so I don’t have to see his status updates and be reminded of him.
You are right— time is the only thing that can make this better. I will try to keep myself busy and spend time with friends.
Thanks again, and the best of luck to you too.August 24, 2013 at 11:18 am #41096
Thank you so much for replying.
Of course, you’re right that I need to leave him alone, and I intend to do so. Just before I posted this I was trying to think of something I could say to him that might change his mind, writing and rewriting all kinds of possibilities… And as I tried to view things from his perspective, at some point it became clear to me that there was absolutely nothing I could say to change his mind, and saying anything at all would only make things worse. I won’t contact him again.
I also agree it would be worth seeking therapy. It was quite demeaning the way he told me I “need professional help,” but maybe he was right. At this point I unfortunately don’t have the financial means of seeking such help… But I’ll see what I can do about that.
Oh, he actually did make it quite clear that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. And yet he was perfectly okay with flirting and being intimate with me. Yeah, yeah, I know… I should never have accepted that. I should have respected myself more. But at the time it seemed like I couldn’t help myself. I guess I was confused and didn’t know what I really wanted. All I was aware of was my loneliness and my strong feelings for him.
He claimed he never meant to hurt me, that he had good intentions the whole time. That he genuinely didn’t realize he hadn’t gotten over his ex, and that he did make it perfectly clear to me he didn’t want a serious relationship, after all. I think this is true… I don’t think he’s a bad person and I don’t think he meant to hurt me. I didn’t mean to hurt him either, after all. But still, that doesn’t make what either of us did okay.
I don’t think I would say that things were still “up in the air” between us when he got a new girlfriend. If things were still up in the air, it was all in my head. In his mind, he had made it perfectly clear to me that he was not interested in being with me. And indeed, he HAD told me he thought it was best we just be friends. And then he became distant. And yet, he seemed to feel bad about it at first and tried to make time for me in spite of his busy schedule. And we continued to confide in each other about personal issues when they came up. He continued to ask me favors, etc… But he did stop flirting with me. To be fair, I did ask him to stop… But my asking him to stop had never deterred him before. -__-;; He could have been more clear I guess, but I really should have accepted it was over. If I had just given myself some time to process my feelings without speaking to him for a while, maybe this whole thing could have been resolved peacefully.
I do think he has anger management issues though. When he gets angry, he goes over the top and starts hurling insults that are really cruel and unfair. At one point he called me “a complete joke.” And once when he was ranting to me about his ex girlfriend, he referred to her as “stupid” (which I know she is not). That’s not okay in my opinion, even when there is good reason to be angry.
I definitely need to learn to interpret red flags better. This is the second time I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship and not realized it until it was too late. Maybe my problem is that I never talk to anyone about my relationships… I tend to just deal with everything on my own, until things get really bad and I feel I have to confide in someone. I need to start confiding in people before things get bad.
Thank you once again for your kind, thoughtful reply. I really, really appreciate it.August 23, 2013 at 4:36 pm #41074
You have to get over him. It’s not healthy to hold on to these feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, especially when that person is in a relationship with someone else. And if you’re too clingy, you may end up losing him as a friend too. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.
If he’s a close friend, I would just be honest with him. Tell him you’re struggling with feelings for him and you need some time to yourself to get over it. Ask him not to contact you for a while. If he’s really your friend, he will understand. But if you’re not that close and you think it would be awkward to tell him, just become really busy. Then whatever happens, DO NOT contact him until the time period you’ve set is up. I would make it 3 months at least. I know this will be really difficult, but please trust me. If you feel yourself clinging to someone, you have to back away before it’s too late and things turn ugly. Clinginess always turns ugly.
I think giving yourself the time and space to get over these feelings would be the most loving thing for you to do for yourself right now. Try to keep yourself busy, immerse yourself in work or hobbies or other interests, and be social with your platonic friends, even if you don’t feel like it at first. Find friends (not your guy friend) you can talk to about what you’re going through. Don’t try to do this alone.
Also try dating, even if you don’t feel like it. And try not to take it too seriously. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there are a ton of different guys out there who could each potentially be a good partner for you (because it’s true)! You have nothing to worry about. You’ll only be lonely if you act lonely.
I wrote this as if I were writing to myself, because your post struck a chord with me due to something I went through recently. So I don’t know if it will all be relevant to you, because you’re not me and I don’t know you. But I totally understand what it’s like to have that feeling of never being good enough for guys, and that fear of ending up alone. You are not the only person who feels this way.