You’ve done well in identifying so clearly the thought patterns that you are having and your response to such feelings.

When reading your post I also had the thought that you are worrying about whether your partner compares you to people he hooked up with in the past. Your words convey that in fact it is you are comparing yourself to these people (you don’t even know whether he does, whether he would take on board any thoughts from it if he did so, and if he does on the odd occasion- the nature of the comparison). Perhaps a part of your journey could be to work on identifying for yourself the ‘beauty’ that you hold at an internal and external level- I’m very sure there you carry an enormous amount of beauty- for a start, your post suggests that you value being present in a relationship- you might agree with me that this is a beautiful aim to hold.

Become aware of when you are comparing yourself to these people from his past might also be useful- come up with a way to have a laugh about it if you can. If I remember correctly from ideas from the ACT training approach (Acceptance and Commitment Training), one suggestion for working on ruminative thoughts is to come up with a way to have a laugh about it, e.g. you could say ‘I’m comparing myself again’ in a ridiculously strange voice. It’s not meant to be flippant on the worries, but is a way to help work through the habit of going over and over something.

I guess the reality is that relationships always carry a suite of uncertainties. The risks that we take in the face of these uncertainties are our own choices to make, and these choices (whichever we decide upon) are our own to embrace.

Best wishes

Hi Aiya,

You’ve articulated your questions very clearly 🙂
I’m also a woman diagnosed with Aspergers and your questions resonate with me a lot.
I’ll set out how i have approached each of them.

How do I improve on myself (social life, learning life skills people take for granted)
I approach this as a project that I expect to continue exploring throughout my life.
The first step that helped me was to acknowledge that there were steps I could take to address it (it sounds like you already have this understanding)
Some of those that I have been working on are: finding a mentor (e.g. a counsellor who specialises in Aspergers, a family member who has good social skills and is supportive in this way). The counselling services at your community college might be a place to start, and/or an Aspergers organisation could have ideas. I think it is useful to find someone who takes an approach to problem-solving and self awareness that overlaps with your own (for me it was finding a very practical mentor). A counsellor can be a useful way if it provides an avenue for you to explore any thinking patterns that you hold that might be impacting on your social life, e.g. feeling nervous in social situations, having unjustified assumptions about what other people are thinking, and an avenue to ask questions on social norms for socialising such as turn-taking in conversation, how to smoothly end a conversation (I’m happy to break social norms when I think it makes sense to and it is my preference to do so, but I’ve also found that some of them help with effective communication).
– I have increased my awareness of how other people interact (e.g. how playful people are, types of conversational topics) and are identifying the types of interactions that I like.
– I’ve looked out for new activities to go along to- before going I have a think about how i would like to explore socialising- e.g. will I give starting a conversation a try.
– The other area that I have found of value is to focus on my nutrition and physical health. People with Aspergers are renowned for digestive issues, and physical activity is good for the mood of many. A bit of exercise (even just a run around the block) leaves me more alert and happy, and improves my posture- definitely feeds into how open and warm I am in conversation. Working on my digestion has had a very very big impact on my ability to hold conversation, concentrate, and how much I enjoy socialising. There are some good resources out there on gut health as related to Aspergers.

Should I just be celibate for life?
I suspect working on your social skills will give you more information from which to make this type of decision. You’ll be better able to weigh up what you value in being in the company of others versus what feels a hindrance. That said, hindrances can also provide wonderful lessons on who we are, our value systems,where we want to take our life, how to communicate more effectively etc. etc. I also think that you don’t need to have a final decision on such matters. At all different stages of life people can go from being in a situation where they wish to seek out a relationship to preferring to be single and back again.

Can anyone give me pointers on not to take criticism personally?
For me, placing myself in the shoes of others has been useful (i.e. having a think about why they might have criticised me- e.g. did something happen in their life that means they fear particular situations arising again, have they had a bad day at work and have the grumps).
I also find it good to have a reflect on whether their view useful information for me to take on board but they’ve just happened to deliver it in a way that triggers my feelings).

Also, I find it good to set some clear boundaries on what behaviour is and is not ok. I.e. if someone is rude to me or denigrates me, then I let them know that I feel it is an unkind way to treat me, I explain why it hurts me, and I explain how I would like to treat them, then ask them to give me the same type of feedback should the need arise). I’m lucky that the people in my life have enough self awareness for these types of discussions (they might not always go smoothly, but it is a good way to reinforce confidence). I try very hard to give the other person space to ask questions and express their views during the conversation
I also have found it useful to realise different personalities and cultures express ideas in different ways e.g. what I see as a criticism might be the way another person demonstrates they care about my welfare. By seeing it as part of the dialogue, I am able to not dwell as much on a sense of harshness. Further, having more confidence that I’m very capable of forming my own views, and more confidence to stating them, has helped me feel empowered in these situations.

Good explorations to you