Hi Anita,

That is an interesting perspective.

I still feel very sad and not myself… My boyfriend is coming to visit me this weekend and I’m very scared… I’m not looking forward to it that much, because I feel like my overthinking habits have messed our relationship up so much that I worry I’ll make it worse. I think I just have bad memories about him coming to visit me, because the past few times, he left and then I just cried because his visit wasn’t anything like I imagined. ( it didn’t meet my expectations )

Throughout the whole of today, I was thinking “what if I actually broke up with him?”. My friend gave me the advice that the problem with me is that I worry too much about what’s going to happen after I make my choices. And I agree with that. So, what if, I just took a leap of faith and broke up with him? The thought of that… It’s very wild and not like me at all. It almost excites me because I wish to be more spontaneous in life. BUT then comes the horrible dread. “What if I am making a horrible mistake and he is the love of my life and I just need to be patient with him and our situation?”

I never take a chance and always want to play it safe. If I am honest, I do see many positives about breaking up with him. First of all, I won’t have to deal with this agonising problem every single day and I’ll feel like I have my life back. But doesn’t that meant that this could be solved by simply moving in together? I noticed my unhealthy overthinking habits that have been wearing our relationship down the past 5 months started as soon as we moved apart after university.

I almost can convince myself fully that it is the right choice to break up. I have nearly gotten to the “ok, I will do it” point, many times. And then, I see him in person. And when that happens there is no way at all I could do that, because seeing him in person and not just tapping away at my phone all day texting him makes such a big difference. However, it sometimes brings love and happiness, but it mostly brings worry and stress.

How can I tell if I am in denial and I do need to break up with him? Or is it my overthinking brain that ruins everything while nothing is wrong??

Fruzsina

Hi Anita.

I think you are very right. Thank you for helping me realise this. If I am honest, I have not been very happy the last couple of months. I went through a lot of changes after graduating from university and I’m not sure what the next step is in my life. I think I have to focus on making myself happy mentally in order to fully enjoy my relationship. Maybe subconsciously I put too much pressure on the relationship and look to him as my only source of happiness? I am not sure. But I realise I am going through a difficult time in general…

Fruzsina

Hi Anita,

I’m glad you said all of the above because it is proof my research and own interpretations were correct also. In July I had another one of these ‘breakdowns’ about our relationship, so I went searching. I remember spending the whole day obsessing and researching about what I should do. I came across this article – http://theladiescoach.com/spirituality-and-self-love/release-blocked-feminine-energy/ which was extremely helpful.

I not only applied going with the flow and used my feminine energy around my boyfriend, but started to tap into it in all aspects of life. And everything was perfect and harmonious. When I went to visit him then, I remember feeling the happiest with him I ever was. That is because I did not try to control him or us, and I completely let go of every expectation that I had for us. He did still pull away at times then, however, instead of getting upset and pressuring him I went and did my own thing too. It only took very small amount of time for him to come back to me. At this point I felt like I had it all figured out, but I fell back to my old state and I have trouble tapping back into this feeling and way of life again. I think this maybe has something to do with the fact we are long distance. We usually only see each other 2 days at a time, so I always feel so much pressure to make that perfect, and as soon as he does something I don’t approve of, I go into panic mode and end up running around in circles in my head, trying to control us and overthinking our every step.

I’m very sensitive. I take a lot of things personally and overthink things very easily too. I’ve had anxiety ever since I was very young and a lot of things seem to scare me. I worry about the smallest things and make them so huge, and the reason I say I am complicated is because ones closest to me always have to listen to me talk on and on about the same issues, because I ruminate, and often have negative thoughts. I also have thought in the past that I may be a little bit bipolar; it’s insane how quickly my mood changes sometimes, from one extreme to the other.

Fruzsina

Hi Anita,

Thanks for replying so promptly.

He is definitely a decent man – he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally and that I know.

That is a very interesting way of looking at it and you might be right – maybe the teaching aspect could be taking away from the romance. I asked him how he feels about everything the next day when we saw each other, he said it’s on his mind a lot also, and that he is determined to do everything he can to keep me in his life. He asked me to be patient with him…

Me and my family share absolutely everything with each other, especially me, my mum and my sister. My mum knows everything about every relationship my sister and I have had in the past and she’s always been the first to turn to when I needed someone. We all have a strong bond (including my dad who is a little introverted but still loves to be involved in everything). We have a family group chat, since me and my sister live away from my parents where we talk everyday. When me and my sister or me and my mum speak on the phone, we usually talk for 2 hours, without even realising how much time has passed. We have a deep connection, we make each other laugh and I know I can always count on them.

I guess it is because of the strong relationship I have with them that I have high expectations for my partner. I have always been someone to have high expectations in life but I am trying to change that and practice gratitude.

Fruzsina

Anita,

I spoke with him in the most calming manner I could – I have spoken to him about this in the past, but I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening or why I felt the way I did – so the first time we spoke about it I said to him that I am upset he doesn’t show much enthusiasm or emotion with me. We first spoke about it several months back, so actually, I was wrong in my last post to say I decided to let it all out after 6 months because that’s not true- this has been a re-occuring problem.

Around January time I told him that when he texts me after we’ve spent time together saying “I’ve had the best time thank you for this evening”, I felt so confused because most of the time I thought he was bored or uninterested with me because he never showed excitement when we spent time together.. It has gotten much better since, when we spend time together he’s happy to see me, tells me he appreciates me, and especially that night we talked about the way I feel about him now (emotionally shut off), he was very upset and I told him I won’t leave until he is better. I gave him quiet time but also tried to talk to him about other things to get his mind off it and stop him from feeling so horrible – he said he is thankful and appreciate that I am taking the time to cheer him up and stay with him through a difficult time.

When I spoke with him on Monday about the issue, I tried to ease into the conversation very lightly because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings – I used the words “I feel…” a lot instead of blaming him for the way things are. I simply told him I want to be more involved in his life and would like him to share his emotions and thoughts with me about things rather than keeping everything to himself. I brought up a few examples from when he would not reply to me when we are discussing something and told him that communication to me is so so important and I know it can be difficult for him seeing it’s not the way he grew up, but that I’m not very happy with the way things are going… I was of course really nice to him, I love him after all. No matter how angry this situation can make me, when I see him I cannot be mean to him.

3 days have gone by since that conversation and I am coming to terms with the fact that the end of our relationship might be nearing – I don’t really feel the same toward him as I used to – before this complication I was so in love and he was perfect and everything was amazing around him, as long as I was with him nothing can get me down. But that has changed, I cannot get this issue off my mind and we are still seeing each other of course but for some reason I have this feeling as though we have broken up.. It’s horrible. The time I am most calm is actually when I am with him – he is my best friend as well as boyfriend so being with a friend is very calming but right now I think I see him more as a friend than a partner.

Do you have any advice for the way I feel? In my head I’m thinking to give it time – as I mentioned in my previous post we will be spending time apart from each other, and that might be best.

Fruzsina

Dear Anita,

Thank you, that is very true indeed. We do have beautiful moments and they are the ones I should focus on and put my energy into. There is a wonderful quote “where attention goes, energy flows” and I think it would be helpful to remind myself of this as often as I can.

Fruzsina

Dear Renedubois,

Thank you for taking your time to help me through this. You have made me realise that it’s very important to try and understand why introverts act the way that they do. I think in my head I thought of extroverts as the norm and introverts as the exception – a lot of my family and people who I am close to are all extroverted. I didn’t realise that me asking my boyfriend to be energetic around me could actually be a strain on him and his energy levels, so I think we need to meet in the middle. Being his first girlfriend, I can tell he is already trying so hard so I should be patient and give him time to grow comfortable with being around someone so much.
I must say I don’t feel I am in a good place in my life right now, I am constantly stressed due to university projects and feel I don’t give myself enough love. Maybe it is time for me to work on myself so that I can strengthen and nurture the relationship I have with others. When feeling as fragile as I am now I think I have the tendency to rely on others and it’s up to me to create a happy life for myself.

Thank you, I will try my hardest to not overthink this situation and stay patient. All the best to you!