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Fruzsina

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #176747
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    First of all, I would like to apologise it has taken me so long to reply to your message. Secondly, I would like to thank you. I know nothing else about you other than your name and for you to put so much energy and time into helping me is such a lovely gesture, so thank you.

    You wrote to me ‘please stay calm’ as you explained why I feel this certain way. But funnily enough, it was a relief for me to read everything that you wrote. I for some reason find it very calming to know that I am the problem and not someone else… maybe because I know I have control over my life, but not over anyone else’s. I think you are very right, I have a lot of growing to do.

    And yes! You are also very right in saying that I cope with my anxiety by becoming very energetic. I often overwork myself and even though I seem happy, I realise all of my energy comes from a place of angst and by the end of the day I am absolutely worn out. Let me tell you why I also feel that you are right.

    My boyfriend came to visit me that weekend and I tried to not overthink, and simply enjoy him for who he is, and accept every moment, go with the flow and so on. And guess what! Everything was perfect. We had a lovely weekend and we both really enjoyed ourselves. We spoke a lot, shared lots of love and laughter and when he was gone, I didn’t feel any sadness or guilt (about me ruining our time together) I simply felt ok and satisfied. I think a lot of my overthinking comes from the fact that I feel dissatisfied about our time together – I feel like there is something missing. However, there is an obvious correlation. When I do NOT feel mentally well and stable, I end up feeling unsatisfied and like there is something missing. When I am happily living in the moment and do not let my rumination get the better of me, I always feel satisfied. It is shocking to me just how twisted my reality can become when I let my mind take over.

    It was our anniversary recently and he bought me the most perfect gift – a night for just us two in the most beautiful cottage in a town I love very much. He also bought me red roses, champagne and wrote a wonderful card. I was saddened and felt guilty again however by the fact that I just couldn’t appreciate it. I felt myself ruminating again and although I could tell it was such a wonderful gift, I kept thinking about how small my gift was and how bad I feel and how I don’t feel like I’m enough for him or can appreciate the things he does for me. Sadly this did ruin our trip a little bit and I came home upset yet again. What I feel most is guilt – for letting myself ruin a wonderful weekend for us. I can’t believe I let it happen once again. But all I can do is learn from this.

    I have to become a stronger and more confident individual within myself. I have to learn to love myself and take care of myself. I feel I have been getting closer and closer to my goal of feeling calm, but I think the problem lies with the fact that when I feel myself getting better, I let go, whereas in fact I should keep going. I saw a spiritual post on the internet and I took it as a sign – it reads “Do not rob yourself of the potential for growth by walking away from relationships every time they get turbulent.” Maybe this is all I need to overcome. My boyfriend is here to teach me to love myself and to finally settle down with who I am. Maybe if I overcome this, I will have learnt an amazing life lesson that I will forever cherish, all thanks to my boyfriend. (this is my ideal situation, at least)

    Thank you so much for your time, Anita. I think no matter how much I reach out to people now, it is all up to me. I have a loving family, a loving, kind and supportive boyfriend and I have all the things around me that I could ever want. Now it’s time for me to work on myself and appreciate the beauty of everyday, good and bad.

    Fruzsina

    #173557
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is an interesting perspective.

    I still feel very sad and not myself… My boyfriend is coming to visit me this weekend and I’m very scared… I’m not looking forward to it that much, because I feel like my overthinking habits have messed our relationship up so much that I worry I’ll make it worse. I think I just have bad memories about him coming to visit me, because the past few times, he left and then I just cried because his visit wasn’t anything like I imagined. ( it didn’t meet my expectations )

    Throughout the whole of today, I was thinking “what if I actually broke up with him?”. My friend gave me the advice that the problem with me is that I worry too much about what’s going to happen after I make my choices. And I agree with that. So, what if, I just took a leap of faith and broke up with him? The thought of that… It’s very wild and not like me at all. It almost excites me because I wish to be more spontaneous in life. BUT then comes the horrible dread. “What if I am making a horrible mistake and he is the love of my life and I just need to be patient with him and our situation?”

    I never take a chance and always want to play it safe. If I am honest, I do see many positives about breaking up with him. First of all, I won’t have to deal with this agonising problem every single day and I’ll feel like I have my life back. But doesn’t that meant that this could be solved by simply moving in together? I noticed my unhealthy overthinking habits that have been wearing our relationship down the past 5 months started as soon as we moved apart after university.

    I almost can convince myself fully that it is the right choice to break up. I have nearly gotten to the “ok, I will do it” point, many times. And then, I see him in person. And when that happens there is no way at all I could do that, because seeing him in person and not just tapping away at my phone all day texting him makes such a big difference. However, it sometimes brings love and happiness, but it mostly brings worry and stress.

    How can I tell if I am in denial and I do need to break up with him? Or is it my overthinking brain that ruins everything while nothing is wrong??

     

    Fruzsina

    #173551
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thank you for you reply and recommendation. Did you regret breaking up with your significant other? Do you feel happier yourself? I’m sorry to hear you went through a bad time and I hope you feel better soon.

    Fruzsina

    #173197
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

    I think you are very right. Thank you for helping me realise this. If I am honest, I have not been very happy the last couple of months. I went through a lot of changes after graduating from university and I’m not sure what the next step is in my life. I think I have to focus on making myself happy mentally in order to fully enjoy my relationship. Maybe subconsciously I put too much pressure on the relationship and look to him as my only source of happiness? I am not sure. But I realise I am going through a difficult time in general…

    Fruzsina

    #172749
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is true. I’m very glad and proud I came to this conclusion, however it is tough to always remember it. Maybe I just need to be patient with myself.

    My mother and I are very similar! The only difference is, she is of course older than me and wiser. Yes, she is a worrier and ruminates also, however she tells me it used to be worse when she was my age. She tells me that over time, she has learned to switch off her mind and not always listen to her thoughts. My mum’s sister has always had anxiety, and my grandma also easily worries and is sensitive.

    Fruzsina

    #172743
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m glad you said all of the above because it is proof my research and own interpretations were correct also. In July I had another one of these ‘breakdowns’ about our relationship, so I went searching. I remember spending the whole day obsessing and researching about what I should do. I came across this article – http://theladiescoach.com/spirituality-and-self-love/release-blocked-feminine-energy/ which was extremely helpful.

    I not only applied going with the flow and used my feminine energy around my boyfriend, but started to tap into it in all aspects of life. And everything was perfect and harmonious. When I went to visit him then, I remember feeling the happiest with him I ever was. That is because I did not try to control him or us, and I completely let go of every expectation that I had for us. He did still pull away at times then, however, instead of getting upset and pressuring him I went and did my own thing too. It only took very small amount of time for him to come back to me. At this point I felt like I had it all figured out, but I fell back to my old state and I have trouble tapping back into this feeling and way of life again. I think this maybe has something to do with the fact we are long distance. We usually only see each other 2 days at a time, so I always feel so much pressure to make that perfect, and as soon as he does something I don’t approve of, I go into panic mode and end up running around in circles in my head, trying to control us and overthinking our every step.

    I’m very sensitive. I take a lot of things personally and overthink things very easily too. I’ve had anxiety ever since I was very young and a lot of things seem to scare me. I worry about the smallest things and make them so huge, and the reason I say I am complicated is because ones closest to me always have to listen to me talk on and on about the same issues, because I ruminate, and often have negative thoughts. I also have thought in the past that I may be a little bit bipolar; it’s insane how quickly my mood changes sometimes, from one extreme to the other.

    Fruzsina

    #172731
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, you do remember correctly.

    That could be possible, although I don’t think it is only my mother and sister who have the ability but maybe more so the fact that I have this problem with men maybe? My whole life my best friends and closest relationships have always been women for some reason. I think maybe because they understand me better… I am a complicated person and I know that, and I always have a lot to say and express. If it helps for you to know, when I share my problems with my dad he replies with a very quick and sharp solution, and telling me to calm down and enjoy life instead of making such a big deal out of things. Maybe this is why I’ve always had friends that are girls, because they stereotypically elaborate more and I love to discuss and delve deeper into things. My mum is also always trying to teach me that guys are much simpler, so maybe I just have a hard time understanding?

    Last time you asked what my family think of this situation. My mum and sister believe he is a good guy who truly loves me and is really trying his best to make me happy. My mum says only I can be the one to decide what happens and it’s just a case of whether I’ll accept him for who he is or not. My dad (although he can see why the way my boyfriend is bothers me) thinks I need to cut him some slack.. he always says “poor guy, leave him alone”

    I do notice that when I go about my own things and maybe spend less time thinking about or talking to my boyfriend, he seems to come out of his shell more and misses me more during those times. It’s weird, the whole “chase him and he’ll run away, ignore him and he’ll come running back” is very true indeed, but I don’t want to be playing games with my boyfriend forever.

    Friends have also given the advice that if there are ‘red flags’ as such at the beginning of the relationship, that is never good and therefore the relationship will not last. My take on it is; red flags aren’t problems themselves, but the unwillingness and inability to solve those problems are. Right now, 9 months later writing about the same thing, thinking about the same, I’m feeling like the problem isn’t being fixed. What do you think?

    Fruzsina

    #146977
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying so promptly.

    He is definitely a decent man – he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally and that I know.

    That is a very interesting way of looking at it and you might be right – maybe the teaching aspect could be taking away from the romance. I asked him how he feels about everything the next day when we saw each other, he said it’s on his mind a lot also, and that he is determined to do everything he can to keep me in his life. He asked me to be patient with him…

    Me and my family share absolutely everything with each other, especially me, my mum and my sister. My mum knows everything about every relationship my sister and I have had in the past and she’s always been the first to turn to when I needed someone. We all have a strong bond (including my dad who is a little introverted but still loves to be involved in everything). We have a family group chat, since me and my sister live away from my parents where we talk everyday. When me and my sister or me and my mum speak on the phone, we usually talk for 2 hours, without even realising how much time has passed. We have a deep connection, we make each other laugh and I know I can always count on them.

    I guess it is because of the strong relationship I have with them that I have high expectations for my partner. I have always been someone to have high expectations in life but I am trying to change that and practice gratitude.

    Fruzsina

    #146965
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Jack,

    Thanks for your input, it’s nice to hear about you and your fiancé, since it is a similar situation. I think you are right, we both need to compromise and to do that, we need to learn more about each other. We have only been together for 6 months and for the whole time we have been 3rd year university students, which often left little time for each other. I also think the stress that university brings could have caused him to shut down emotionally, which I definitely considered and asked him about. He told me he has been stressed, but he tries to not acknowledge it or talk about it because he fears it’ll make it worse. I told him I would love for him to share his life with me as much as possible, as I am here to help him through whatever he comes across in life and I think he’d find it easier if he shared it with me also – it’s always nice to have support… to that, he said asking for help makes him feel weak. He takes a lot of pride in his independence.

     

    Fruzsina

    #146963
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I spoke with him in the most calming manner I could – I have spoken to him about this in the past, but I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening or why I felt the way I did – so the first time we spoke about it I said to him that I am upset he doesn’t show much enthusiasm or emotion with me. We first spoke about it several months back, so actually, I was wrong in my last post to say I decided to let it all out after 6 months because that’s not true- this has been a re-occuring problem.

    Around January time I told him that when he texts me after we’ve spent time together saying “I’ve had the best time thank you for this evening”, I felt so confused because most of the time I thought he was bored or uninterested with me because he never showed excitement when we spent time together.. It has gotten much better since, when we spend time together he’s happy to see me, tells me he appreciates me, and especially that night we talked about the way I feel about him now (emotionally shut off), he was very upset and I told him I won’t leave until he is better. I gave him quiet time but also tried to talk to him about other things to get his mind off it and stop him from feeling so horrible – he said he is thankful and appreciate that I am taking the time to cheer him up and stay with him through a difficult time.

    When I spoke with him on Monday about the issue, I tried to ease into the conversation very lightly because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings – I used the words “I feel…” a lot instead of blaming him for the way things are. I simply told him I want to be more involved in his life and would like him to share his emotions and thoughts with me about things rather than keeping everything to himself. I brought up a few examples from when he would not reply to me when we are discussing something and told him that communication to me is so so important and I know it can be difficult for him seeing it’s not the way he grew up, but that I’m not very happy with the way things are going… I was of course really nice to him, I love him after all. No matter how angry this situation can make me, when I see him I cannot be mean to him.

    3 days have gone by since that conversation and I am coming to terms with the fact that the end of our relationship might be nearing – I don’t really feel the same toward him as I used to – before this complication I was so in love and he was perfect and everything was amazing around him, as long as I was with him nothing can get me down. But that has changed, I cannot get this issue off my mind and we are still seeing each other of course but for some reason I have this feeling as though we have broken up.. It’s horrible. The time I am most calm is actually when I am with him – he is my best friend as well as boyfriend so being with a friend is very calming but right now I think I see him more as a friend than a partner.

    Do you have any advice for the way I feel? In my head I’m thinking to give it time – as I mentioned in my previous post we will be spending time apart from each other, and that might be best.

     

    Fruzsina

     

     

    #146803
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think you are right- I need to make sure I know that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. I think there is some insecurity within myself about us that makes me constantly question how he feels about me and blame his closed off behaviour on myself, which I need to work on..

    Now we’ve spoken about the situation, it is clear that we are both unsure about the future of our relationship. This makes me feel strange around him, like something has changed. I hate it and I almost wish I could go back to being blinded by love, but I know that’s not good for me… For now, time will really change. I’m going away for two weeks so we’ll be unable to see each other, I think that will be good for us.

    Thank you for your advice

    Fruzsina

    #127735
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you, that is very true indeed. We do have beautiful moments and they are the ones I should focus on and put my energy into. There is a wonderful quote “where attention goes, energy flows” and I think it would be helpful to remind myself of this as often as I can.

    Fruzsina

    #127727
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your words. I think you are right, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and I cannot expect to constantly smile and laugh through it all. He has his own stress to deal with and I understand I can be a lot to deal with also. When I think about the relationship I have with my parents and close friends, I remember that I have off days or times with them also and it doesn’t mean that we love each other any less. I think what triggers fear in my mind is that stereotypically, couples are supposed to be all loved up. In my mind, we are ‘supposed’ to be in our honeymoon stage where everything is all perfect and we are so in love.
    I make the mistake of comparing our love to others’ and I think what I need to really do is take a step back and ask myself if his quietness bothers me because I need more than that or it bothers me because it doesn’t meet the standard of a ‘good relationship’ that I have imagined in my mind. Before him I only had one boyfriend, however I didn’t love that person for who he was, I was young and in love with the idea of love. This relationship is much different and deeper, I love him for who he is and I guess it is the first healthy relationship in my life. I am still figuring out how relationships work myself and it might take us a while to figure out but maybe at the end of it all our bond will be stronger than ever.

    #127719
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Dear Renedubois,

    Thank you for taking your time to help me through this. You have made me realise that it’s very important to try and understand why introverts act the way that they do. I think in my head I thought of extroverts as the norm and introverts as the exception – a lot of my family and people who I am close to are all extroverted. I didn’t realise that me asking my boyfriend to be energetic around me could actually be a strain on him and his energy levels, so I think we need to meet in the middle. Being his first girlfriend, I can tell he is already trying so hard so I should be patient and give him time to grow comfortable with being around someone so much.
    I must say I don’t feel I am in a good place in my life right now, I am constantly stressed due to university projects and feel I don’t give myself enough love. Maybe it is time for me to work on myself so that I can strengthen and nurture the relationship I have with others. When feeling as fragile as I am now I think I have the tendency to rely on others and it’s up to me to create a happy life for myself.

    Thank you, I will try my hardest to not overthink this situation and stay patient. All the best to you!

    #127709
    Fruzsina
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the links you have sent me and that quote is very beautiful. It gives me hope that this can work out and I know that opposites often attract. After all, we are only 3 months into our relationship.

    Thank you for your recommendations and have a wonderful day!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)