Hello, first off I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read the problems of a stranger on the internet and give your own time and energy into your responses. I genuinely appreciate it very much!

So for starters, yes, both her and I are in our own separate therapies, hers is introspective exposure therapy, and mine is interpersonal psychotherapy. She has a lot of trauma and I have deep seated roots to please people at the cost of my own well being. We have talked about doing couples therapy, whether through our own therapists or finding a new one (we would obviously continue to see our own throughout the process), but have not taken the steps to start it yet. The problem I have with that is that the problem could take months to see any amount of improvement, and I don’t know if it have the patience in me anymore to deal with another episode of this. We both actively contribute to open communication on our problems, passing thoughts, emotions, goals, ideas, and all the like. And we have had to fine tune a lot of methods in the process, which we both feel is part of the process. But these episodes come from seemingly no where, with blind triggers, and reason and communication is left in the dust. Nothing I communicate is understood, or comprehended. In her words “its like being blacked out drunk and hearing from somebody else what you said but don’t remember saying it, or even feeling that way”.

As far as I know, she knows about her feelings of self love and her issues with externalizing them towards me, or at least she has with problems in the past. But this one subject seems to be a monster of a problem of its own magnitude and the methods she has used in the past for previous issues don’t seem to have an effect. As for those methods I can’t accurately explain what they are because they are very personal to her and how she regulates her emotions and thoughts.

I guess at the root of it, I’m not sure how I want to continue this journey with her, we have talked a couple times since the incident and we both have agreed to talk to our therapists next week and hear their professional opinions on the matter. We have come to the conclusion that it’s best to wait for them, but we have also considered that it may be time for us to call it quits. She feels immensely regretful and ashamed about this, and says she doesn’t want to continue hurting me in this or any way. And has asked for one more chance to try and throw every ounce of every resource at getting better.

But I am not sure if I can handle another episode. I never lose my temper especially with my partner, I never want to make my partner feel like they are unheard or not understood, much less feel afraid of me or feel threatened. And I did. I lost my temper and I threw the bag of cookies, and stormed off. I couldn’t process the information and my emotions got the better of me. I am afraid of causing further emotional damage because of that very instance. She’s been through a lot, and she deserves a partner who can be better, but I’m not sure if I am suitable to be what she needs. Not at the demand of my own health.