Anita,

Yes what I can do is think about my day to day choices that I make with my words and action because I am still not competent enough to take a big decision.

The loss of the sensitive side for my husband comes from his culture and background he has grown up in. We are Indians and may be you are too based on your name. He grew up without a father who passed away when he was little and he has only grown up repressing his emotions and learning to only be practical such that he is securing his family’s future. These are commendable qualities in a man. But what I have seen is that even his family promotes emotional retardness so much so that he is always conflicted between being self-aware vs being hypocritical. For example in a healthy marriage boundaries are necessary. Indian families can be intrusive and possessive of their child and grandchild. While I get that I don’t wish to be treated like a third party in his family and that too after I do a lot for them. So I requested to him that my interactions with them will be lesser. He took offense at that. Long story short he pretty much made it clear that he wishes to share nothing with me and I should do the same. I wish I could help him see that talking about the differences do not have to be critical. Small instances like this have drawn this big gap between us and that’s why we are where we are. He wants a marriage where I just cook and clean and smile for him. I wished for a friendship. He doesn’t wish to be one. He was early on but now he says his love for me has changed and he just wants to keep it business. I feel I know where this is heading.

Regarding my coworker you are right, I wanted a safety net. But I am wiser now to know that I should not look for one, if it is there, it is. If not some other time or in some other form. Even though this person is special to me and I appreciate what he could offer, I need to currently get hold of my situation at home.

Thanks to replying to my posts.

Thanks for the reply Anita. Yes I do not know what I want. They say if you are not sure there is trouble, then there is. That’s where I am. I am too afraid to take any kind of step – I feel I can’t leave my husband and can also not be with him. I definitely need therapy.

Regarding my coworker, he is considering divorce but in a similar boat like mine. I am not sure what he wants to do right now also. I feel like I am in the eye of a storm.

there is calmness yet there is this craziness. In a perfect world I would leave my husband, and move on but somehow I don’t think that is the right thing to do right now!

Hi

Following up on what I wrote earlier, the only thing that works between us is if we do not communicate. I am an emotional person and my husband is not. When I say emotional, I dont mean crying or whatever, I mean bringing up an issue if I disagree with or have concerns about. For example, he was gone for 2 weeks on vacation and he decided to completely not talk to me for 2 weeks, and this was just something he wanted. Agreed he is allowed to enjoy his time but he gave me no such impression before leaving (either in words or attitude) that he wanted some time alone. When I bring that up as to what precipitated to that, I am the drama queen. It is a catch 22 with him always, several instances, if I communicate, I am a drama queen and if I dont, i am an ice queen. At our son’s first birthday, he was mad at me because I apparently didnt invite him for photos. It is a different issue that I was so caught up with hospitality that I didnt even initiate it. But apparently I should have and should have invited him- as per his arguement with me later. There are strings of situation where this man randomly surprises me by misunderstanding my intentions. So at this point only thing left is me and I want to focus on my life, on what I want to do and how I want to do it. I have tolerated his so called tantrums and the only thing left for me is to do what works best for me. Both parties involved have to learn to speak each other’s love languages, agreed the learning curve for each is different. So I am just letting it go to the universe and palms up having faith that there is some share of happiness stored for me somewhere.

Thanks Mark. Yes, my husband was always a workaholic. But he also did find ways to communicate. Communication was not his strongest suit but we did find a way to connect. Now something has changed!

I am struggling to love myself in all this. You are absolutely right – I have dumped myself for him. I think to some extent it is immaterial as to why he changed. Only thing matters is how I get out of this mess internally first since that is the only thing I can control. I need some actionable tasks to help me get out of this rut. My son is young and I need to save myself before it is late. The first step to change this has been the hardest but I thank you for pointing the most simplest and the obvious truth here.

Gigi