Anita, or anyone listening,
I really feel down tonight. I feel like now I am on the other side of parenting and it hurts, and I am actually feeling sympathy for my own parents. Long story short, my boyfriend has 2 very young step sisters, that are 9 and 10 years old. They are related to the step dad that we have mixed feelings about. Whenever my boyfriend and i are around them, they usually act like angels. They have had some rough times in their life when they were younger but we’re always happy to see us, loved our food, and loved playing games with us. Often they only looked forward to seeing us and I felt bad that maybe they were not being treated well enough still and that I could do better. I got it arranged so that they could spend the weekend with us and I was so excited. I bought them craft kits and cooked dinner and we have plans to go out for lunch and italian ice tomorrow. Then all of a sudden today, they both brought the attitudes out full force during dinner. They complained non stop about how horrible the food was. It was pasta, bread and salad, so seriously?! Then egged us on to make dessert, then threw a fit about pouring dressing on their pasta because they didn’t like it. My boyfriend and I decided that it was enough and sent them to bed. But I am just devestated. I knew they had behavioral problems but never around us. I know they’re kids but I really did not expect that reaction to basic food for crying out loud. I am ready to take them home first thing in the morning. My boyfriend and I just had a long wine fueled but coherent discussion that we are done with them and we also do not want kids. I just don’t know what to feel. I know I was a brat as well but never in a family members home. Do I feel sympathy for my parents now? Do I feel sorry for the kids or just write them off? I don’t know what to do. I was able to refrain from raising my voice and we told them to finish their plates and go to bed. I honestly thought this sort of thing could not happen 🙁

Hi Brie nice meeting you,

When I am doing the writing I just am thinking that everything I do is horrible. When I take a break I do get some new ideas, maybe I get confident again, then the cycle repeats. I always let my ideas sit for a day, and something the next day I hate them.
You’re right I should be able to do it more without a job. I had a job before but didn’t do it, I blamed the fact that the job was extremely exhausting. This job will be easier but yeah emotionally it might still be difficult to write
I hope that’s not the case.
My mom does like gossiping, when she is not criticising me she is trying to bond with me, which makes it difficult. A lot of the stuff she says about my boyfriend, I don’t care about. That he doesn’t have a degree or he has a good job but it’s not good enough for her. I don’t know, I knew these things when I began dating him so I guess I can’t get upset. We have a decent ranch house it just hasn’t been updated. I guess it is mostly her putting the ideas in my head.
Regarding his family, I have asked questions but he tends to not have an answer and just says this is how they are and how he interacts with them. That often leads me to just make a comment like, your mom shouldn’t act like this. The caring is good but it feels like to me it’s only about his sister, or coworkers. Then he doesn’t remember something I said several minutes ago. Petty complaint I guess. I know he wants to provide in a way but ultimately we have to have a second income. He mentioned to me that he paid everything before in a relationship and it wasn’t good.
I know I have dependency issues, and I don’t want them to come back. My boyfriend thinks I am independent so I don’t want to get any worse than I feel. I am the oldest in my family. I have 2 younger siblings.

Thank you Anita, I am trying not to contact her, I am getting closer. I am back and forth on what to do about my dad. I actually kind of feel bad for my mom though, she cares so much about possessions and I know they don’t make her happy.
Agree about the mom and sister, I just hate him being taken advantage of. And he told me now I am a part of the family so I guess I have been even more inclined to snark. I really feel bad about it though. I don’t think they mean to be malicious. He thonks I want him to cut contact and I dont, actually he said they really like me. Its just very hard to get used to.
I am trying to stop drinking , I wouldn’t say I have a huge problem but I just don’t like how common it is. I will try your idea and I got a lot of tea and sparkling waters.
I like your book idea haha! I was actually also writing a sort of memoir about my food issues and including parts about my mom, all anonymous of course. The novel was a thriller based on narcissistic abuse but Im adding some other elements in there, I feel like my original idea would be a better movie than book. With that kind of abuse it kind of creeps up on you, so it might be too confusing to be the main plot of the book.

Feeling a little bit low tonight 🙁
So basically I quit my job a few months ago thinking I would be so much happier, and that I could accomplish what I wanted quickly like getting healthier, getting my book finished, but in reality it has been kind of lonely and depressing. I usually never got much writing done at all because I was thinking about going on a walk, eating, playing with the pets, and when my boyfriend got off work we would watch TV . Well I finally decided I need money coming in as soon as possible, so I talked to the temp agency and they have me starting a job Monday. I am nervous but very relieved to be getting out of the house. Maybe I will be more motivated to write when I have some money. It also will not be physically taxing like my last job.
My mom once again asked why I never call her, but she had to call me because some of my paperwork came to her. She proceeded to lecture me about buying my own condo and why I should, even though I live with my boyfriend. I don’t think she thinks he is successful enough. She keeps telling me I need nice things when I really don’t want them. I want to live a minimalist lifestyle and I don’t know why she can’t understand that. She doesn’t know why my boyfriend will not put money into fixing our house, and I get mad at her but then I find myself agreeing with her and questioning my boyfriend, even though it wasn’t something I originally cared about. It makes me so sad that I literally don’t know what ideas she is putting in my head, and what is really true.
Bf and I also had another fight about his family. It was his birthday and his mom didn’t even message him, yet he always takes her out on her birthday. I just do Not comprehend this behavior of catering to people who are so oblivious, family or not. He also said something where he mixed up my siblings names and ages, and I kind of flipped. He has these moments of being absent minded with me and forgets things I said, where as he constantly brags about his sisters favorite food, her boyfriend, her grades, everything … and doesn’t say anything about me or even remember. Maybe this is an exaggeration because she is his sister. But for me with my insecurity it hurts so much. He also thinks I’m wrong for accepting my dad’s offer of money when I wasn’t working, because I mentioned I wanted to limit or cut contact. I said I did not ask, he offered, and I never ended up taking it. I feel like I’m being criticized more, or not cared about compared to everyone else when I do the most for him.
I also mentioned I really don’t want to drink because I say things I wish I didn’t, and I stress about my health and my weight. He still opens wine every day, he makes it himself . I know I should just say no but I can’t. It’s my fault but I wish I was stronger to hold back. I’m just so upset now and feel so alone. I don’t know why I end up being so independent one day and the next I still want to lash out. I am trying so hard to keep the serious anger to myself but I don’t know what to do.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Gigi.

Thank you! Yeah my dad ended up calling my younger sister because he didn’t know what to do, then calling me after I left to apologize for my mom and tell me that she cares. I just can’t anymore. She says I drive her crazy. Well that is her fault, why let your adult daughter upset you to the point of acting like a lunatic. I’m really embarrassed for her that she thinks that’s okay. But yeah I know what I need to do. I don’t want to live my life worrying anymore. I hadn’t even read about the recent current events until this afternoon and that always changes my perspective. I really want to enjoy life and I wish that came easier.

Anita,
So glad I’m not alone! I actually just watched fatal attraction for the second time, and my favorite is Shutter island. I also used to watch TV shows like Snapped but don’t anymore. I agree there is somethino about the adrenaline and watching a scenario play out in a different way. I’d say there’s once in a while something I find too triggering but very rarely.
I caught myself starting to think I should like happy stories as some sort of escape? But I always find myself cringing or rolling my eyes. I want to see the real problems in life I guess that a romantic comedy just rarely shows!

Gigi

Anita,
Yes it is so difficult not to “scratch”! I have gotten through the beginning of make a distraction plan, and relaxation plan. The sad thing is I gave myself the exercises for today of reading a news story without passing judgment, and sitting in traffic without complaining. I then proceeded to pull up an old acquaintance on her profile and judge something she wrote. Sigh, this is going to take some time!
Gigi

Anita,
Thank you it has been a pleasure for me too! We did talk about it and I already got a little emotional about it but I am now going to make a list about the other things that bother me. I’m trying to stay as calm as I can, I am still in this cycle of rage, depression, and guilt and being over-apologetic. I hope I can get to a better state of mind .
Thanks again!
Gigi