I can’t even begin to speculate on why she would invite me. Maybe for the same reason I’d consider inviting her to a large-ish party – to keep the peace? Based on who she invited, most aren’t good friends. (I think she struggles with making friendships. I did a lot of PR for her this past three years with people who knew her and found her unapproachable and standoffish.) She certainly hasn’t contacted me to even say any semblance of “we’re cool” in the past two months after my apology. In the past we would go out regularly for drinks, but instead I know she’s been contacting the other women in the comment section via social media (I’ve since unfollowed them all). Maybe she’s firmly placing me in the acquaintance pile, which is where I’m putting her as well.

The good that has come of this…I’m able to recognize my true friends. And I have so many. Near and far. I’m grateful. Ditching these women did not leave a hole on my dance card. It gave me valuable time to focus people who deserve my friendship. It takes effort to make time for people, and I’ve simply stopped making the effort with them. I’m coming around to viewing my mistake as just that- a mistake that did not have ill intentions. I’d never have treated a friend who apologized this way. And if it was unforgiveable, I would NEVER have dragged it out for months. (And gone on vacation with the person who wronged me!) I did not deserve that treatment.

Thank you for putting a compassionate face to her behavior. That’s probably the only approach that will work for me moving forward. To view her sad reality instead of the nasty person she’s morphed into in my head. It’s more natural for me to be genuinely kind and move on.

-K

PS – I not-so-secretly hope she makes other plans for tonight and doesn’t come.

Brandy, your response came just in time. Yesterday I ran into one of the women at our kids piano recital. The one I had been friends with for 5 years and introduced to the group. The one who let my mistake drop then backed away from our friendship until she was given permission to text me- which she did unapologetically. She’s taken the hint about our friendship being at a stalemate, but it’s clear she thinks I’m upset w her bc she “told” and not bc of how she abandoned me when I needed her support.

It’s tempting to schedule coffee and give her my version, tell her why I’m actually upset with her. But it would fuel the drama.

Please reinforce for me why this would be a bad idea? I feel deeply, I invest in my friends wholeheartedly. It’s getting better, but seeing these women regularly is a constant struggle and setback.

K

Brandy, our community is the same but on a much smaller scale. What a crappy experience. Same moms doing all the events and running the show. I’m not really drawn to those parents, which is probably why this whole thing has me so shook. It was more about getting to know the parents of my daughter’s friends. Who knew? I’m refocusing my energy and slowly (but surely) transitioning from distress/sadness to anger/resentment. My guess is that she’s punishing me and thinking that I’ll be sitting here waiting for her with open arms, but I don’t play games.

Do you have any suggestions on where to start on mindfulness and meditation? I’ve dabbled in meditation, but not much experience in mindfulness.

K

Brandy, it’s good to know it gets better as the kids get older. Unfortunately, I still have a LONG time to go. My takeaways from this experience: my emotional resilience and self compassion needs A LOT of work.

Hi Brandy, HUGE learning experience. And that’s great advice to stop talking about it. I’m also refocusing on positive things to say about each one of these people when they come up. “Oh her kids are so sweet!” My husband is great person to vent to, although I have a good friend who is in a different state and a therapist who is my go-to. But I agree, this shouldn’t be a local topic. And what an excellent point that it keeps it alive by talking about it. Letting it die a slow ugly death.

I hope they regret how they’re treating me, but not one of them seems to think they’ve done anything wrong. Even the one who dropped the information (my friend of five years!)  and then didn’t call me for a head’s up or a well check.   It’s now obvious why each one of them as trouble making/keeping friends. Mindfulness and meditation is on my list and this seems like a great opportunity to give it a try.

Working on forgiving myself and moving forward, thank you for the great advice and support.

K

Thank you for the response, Brandy.

I wanted to go directly to her, but I was told at the same school event by the “spiritual” woman to wait for her to come to me. (She already knew and they were better friends, so I took her advice.) In the mean time, everyone in our group had been speculating for months and it came up.

You are correct about forgiveness, and this friendship has run its course.

I’m struggling to get past my mistake, forgive myself and not care that I’m essentially cutting out three friends. The first woman I told has turned out to be a huge fair weather friend, that hurts after I introduced her to the group. She told them I shared this info w her w the other couple aNd then basically threw her hands up saying “oh no judgement from me!”

It’s funny bc if I threw everyone under the bus, I’d have a defense. But that feels petty and weak and it’s not my style.