… my father and I had a falling out last year.. it took us 8 months to reconnect. I felt like he chose his gf over me.. again. I was so angry. Well really I was just hurt. I let that fall out set me into a spiral last year. This past year has been a rough one for many reasons.. my mother and my step dad are still very close..
I guess my really loving upbringing was I danced competitive- traveled to compete. Family was always there… my dad was the bread winner and my mum was a full time worker and full time mum. When I look back on my childhood my pain never is connected with my parents.. it always seems to stem from me. I just never felt good enough. Smart enough. I’ve seemingly never been good enough for me– and for anyone else of course…. it’s a tough thing – by all accounts I grew up in a loving home, was given everything I wanted- yet wasn’t spoiled. Ive had a job since I was 14.
Shame comes from all my negative experiences with my partying.. the dangerous places I’ve been. The things that I’ve done. Never forgave myself for anything, was kinder to myself as I grew up but always took full responsibility for my actions.. always my fault I got myself in those situations..
I don’t know so many things I just don’t understand. Don’t know how to be okay with my ugly parts. Just pretend they don’t exist and hope that I’m able to keep progressing forward.