Matt,

You hit some really excellent points here. It makes very much sense to me what you are saying because you are right, I was always there with my own thoughts and actions no matter how much I tried to hide myself from everything. I really enjoyed what you said about looking at all of those instances where I was acting in my “false” self and seeing what was really there. As I was reading this, I sat back and thought about a couple moments in my life where I know I was altering my actions to be what I thought others would want and I really noticed what was actually going on. Instead of seeing it as acting in my false character, I saw myself for who I was and saw the motives behind my actions. Those motives are the real issue at hand and what I should focus on moving past, not the actions. The actions were basically meaningless because they changed with every person I interacted with. This is truly groundbreaking for me; it really clicks. You have opened my mind greatly! You also wrote this extremely well.

I read, Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn a while back and this really clears up a few things that were in that book.

Do you know of any material that expands into this? I would love to keep learning about this.

Chris

Sapnap,

Thank you for your kind words. I have always found talking to myself rather uncomfortable. As if I don’t like the sound of my voice when there is no one to hear but myself. However, being uncomfortable is pretty much inevitable when doing any soul searching and I’ve began to embrace it. I’ll have to give it another try.

I’ve gotten quite good at being aware in most everything I do but I catch myself coasting quite frequently, even for days. It doesn’t help that in my job we work long hours every week on erratic schedules with no extra pay. I work night shift right now and it feels like I don’t have anyone to spend my spare time with because our schedules are always changing and I never know when anyone is working or not. I can’t even make plans any more than a week or two from now because I don’t know what shift I’ll have to go to or what days I’ll have off. So you can kinda see how easy it is to just give in and coast through the days because sometimes they can feel quite meaningless.

You’re absolutely right that who we are is always changing. I constantly hear people make the excuse “well that’s just how I am” when they are doing something ridiculous like throwing trash on the ground or smoking. You are who you choose to be and making the excuse that it’s not your fault because it “how you are” is just a way of passing the blame to a superficial you.

I agree with you about the drinking, I hate that feeling of waking up the next morning in regret and confusion of the night before. I am very familiar with it. Today actually was one of the worst cases of regret I’ve had in quite a while after staying out until 9am and walking 3 miles to find my friends house. The same friend who I had left at the bar for trying to start a fight with me. I knew what shame was when I woke up this afternoon at 4pm. I really want this part of my life to change.

You seem to be quite an amazing person yourself. It takes one to know one 🙂

I’ll check out that book and get back to you when I finish it. Thanks again!