Dear All,

I hope you are still here. I am currently in movement restriction order due to Covid-19, and have been staying with relatives since then (with my father, of course). Since Monday, his has some issues with his heart and my relatives advised me to bring him to hospital. He has no insurance coverage, hence I have forked out a few thousands during the last 2 visits. Tomorrow will be the third appointment, which I feel financially stressed out too.

I told him to go to government hospital but he insisted not to, of course he is not the one paying the medical bills anyway, and is me. The movement restriction order will be over in less than 10 days, and I am not sure if I am ready to live together with him alone again. He has never been a ‘father figure’, just someone who always give me stress and trouble since kid till now. My emotional stress due to his verbal abuse, once a while physical abuse and ongoing financial stress are driving me insane and I am starting to lose focus in my work.

I cannot imagine those debtors coming to my house (the house me and my father live in) and they have threatened to burn the house and destroy our lives few times (all these debts since 10-20 years ago). My partner, F, decided to rent a place soon and he asked me to move out together while searching for a suitable house to buy. But I am not sure if moving out with my bf is the right thing to do (despite I am 27 and has been raised in a very traditional culture)?

I really want to leave but I have no courage, I want to start my own life so badly. I feel like dropping everything behind but my relatives (his siblings) threatened me not to come back anymore once I move and I no longer belong to the family after I moved.

I need advice.. Am I heartless, non-filial or selfish to do this to my father? But all I can say is I am 27 now and never experience a real ‘home’ in my life. I never feel the ‘security’ from my parent, just him being hot- tempered and emotionally abusive. I recalled he also curse me and treat me with vulgar words once I don’t give him money (he send me unbearable voice messages at work when I don’t give in to his monetary requests).. All my life I feel so burdened and my shoulders are collapsing, and those burdens are not originated by me at all.

When my father has problems I am the one always forced to face it as according to his siblings, I owe him a lifetime since he is my father. No matter how rude or bad he is, I still must take care of him. Even I married or not, I have to live with him forever. This is the mindset that I have been told as a kid.

Is it ok to live alone, and leave all relatives including my father behind?

Thank you.

Gwen.

Dear Anita and Edwin,

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. This really motivates me to think for myself more and plan for my future.

Next week will be my father’s follow up with the doctor, and I am very afraid that my relatives will want me to bear the medical cost as it is really expensive. Also, as he require long term medications, I am not sure if I am fully capable to support him for very long term (he has no savings, nothing) as of now.

When I started working in the first few years, I have no savings at all due to high burden (his car, house utilities, his pocket money, my living expenses etc.) with low income. My income may increase slightly, but not as much as well. I am a bit anxious thinking that I may use up all of my little savings for him, despite I am still working.

I also am planning to move out, hence I wish to use my little savings for the means of moving out with rental etc.. Anita, do you think I can speak up to his relatives on this? I am not sure how long I can sustain or emotionally be stable as all these financial issues keep popping on my mind.

One more thing if you do not mind that I need your advice. The worst case scenario that I can picture after telling them that I am moving out is that they will ask me to take care of my father. They will ‘push’ him to me as it is my responsibility as a child (despite he didn’t really take care of me or being a parent role model in my childhood as mentioned to you all). I cannot picture living with him for the rest of my life, am I very heartless to even say this?

I am very afraid of people judging me or badmouthing me. Because this (judgement from relatives etc. as my father is poor and no career) started to happen since being a child. Can I do not bear his medical/living costs and just leave?

Utmost regards,

Gwen.

Dear Anita,
I would like to thank  you so much for your reply. I am currently out of home, allow me to update you when I am back. Before that, I would like to seek advice from Anita and others here, is it normal to have such parents abusive attitude in the family? Or my case is very abnormal..? WOULD APPRECIATE IF ALL CAN SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES ON HOW TO FACE THEM.

Utmost thanks,

Gwen.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Gw3n.