Forum Replies Created
September 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm #64591
Sounds as if you have a plan! Wonderful outcome. Try not to regret what has happened you weren’t the same person then, you carried a totally different set of inter personal skills in your tool box.
PamelaSeptember 8, 2014 at 1:05 pm #64588
Gee Will…it’s advice such as:
Abigail, rather than putting your energy into trying to be a shape you’ll probably never achieve
that keep people stuck, immobilized and defeated. Anyone can change aspects of themselves or their surroundings, but they have to really, really , really want to change.
So Will you great insight?
Just change your attitude?…great advice. Very similar to, trying to find a good radio station while your car is on fire,
Abigail, a change in attitude will do nothing without an action. It is the action that will empower you and as you gain inner strength than YOU have control of staying, leaving or anything else. It’s your turn, don’t let anyone else DEFINE your life or tell you “you’ll never achieve”…I think we have a name for statements such as Will wrote: “verbal abuse” …diminishing someone’s self worth and negating their power and abilities.
Abigail, stay in the moment take a step toward what you want, focus on you not your boyfriend or his past girlfriends.
PamelaSeptember 7, 2014 at 2:47 pm #64512
Feelings are not “stupid”, they aren’t “right” or “wrong” they’re feelings. I’d suggest get out of “feeling” mode, you can’t make any decisions with feelings because feelings are not based on facts they are based on emotions. You stated this fact:
“He has never given me any reason to think he would leave”
Followed by this feeling:
“I cannot stop feeling insecure”
You feel “insecure” and you state it’s because of your weight. You can change that Abigail; in fact losing weight has NOTHING to do with your boyfriend that is totally in your control. Why you choose to live worrying, feeling sick, feeling insecure and focusing outside of yourself for your feelings of unhappiness?
You can’t change the way others look, you can’t change your boyfriend feelings, or his past BUT you can change your weight. Why choose to live fearing he’ll leave because of your weight and not try and change that? That only you can answer.
The bigger issue here is your child and his or her feelings. Her mother not “living” in the present but preoccupied with the past and future. Teach your child that we can “take charge” of our lives not let our lives be defined by other people’s actions. Helplessness is a learned behavior. You’re stronger than you think. Start small go online or down load an app to count your calories, exercise, keep a journal and join forums. Find support. Take just one step, one action that’s all and then the next action, then the next. Try it for one day; you can do anything for one day. See if you feel more in control of your life.
PamelaSeptember 6, 2014 at 11:58 am #64480
“Then she wanted to give me a hug and it seemed like she was looking to kiss. It didn’t happen because this was pretty much the first date I had in 22 years and I was a little awkward. But man, I was on cloud nine. It was a great first meeting and I like her”.
Your actions didn’t follow your truth. Perhaps saying what you felt, “I feel awkward this is my first date I don’t want to mess this up, but I’m on cloud nine” would have connected her to you and to the moment. Clouding your feeling by pulling back and covering up your truth weaves that old web of confusion. Your pulling back wasn’t about what you feeling in the moment it had to do with what you brought to the table, you baggage, we all do it. Guess what? She brought her suitcases also and you have no idea what those bags contained. Perhaps in her past relationships her actions were “dismissed” or “scorned” and here it was happening again. She took a risk and it was rebuffed. This is all speculation of course. But what isn’t speculative is: you aren’t seeing clearly because there is nothing to clearly see.
If you truly feel a connection…don’t give up, share your fears and reach out. Stay truthful and eventually the fog will lift.
PamelaFebruary 3, 2014 at 2:47 pm #50230
I noticed a pattern with your thinking style.You make a statement,
1.”I want to let go of my mind and enjoy life”,
then you question that statement more than once,
“but what if I’m not really interested in the things that I am doing?”
“What if I’m just fooling myself?”
“What if I let go of judging my mind and it winds up I am a bad person?”
2.* I want to be a good person,” (statement),
“but should even worry about that, especially when good and bad are subjective?”
“Am I just choosing to be around people and do good things because them to have a high image of me because I have low self esteem and need the validation of others for my own personal ego stroking?
In your post, you express yourself and your feelings clearly and even commented at the end of your post you felt a bit of relief after breaking it all down on paper.A Journal might be a wonderful practice. I’d suggest thinking more and asking different questions in order to create outcomes that are more insightful.
Make a statement,
I” want to be a good person”.
After a statement the question to ask is “WHY?”What does “being a good person mean to me?”
Jot down your answer and for every answer you write down,follow that answer with a “Why, what would that mean to me?”
“I want to be a good person because (this is just an example) I want people to like me”.
WHY? WHAT DOES PEOPLE LIKING ME MEAN TO ME?”
“I want people to like me because , it’s important for people to like me.”
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE ME?
Get the idea? Your thoughts are not based on what you really want to discover… For every statement for every question as yourself, “Why, what would that mean to me”
What you’ll discover is that ALL your statements and questions have to do with one or two central fears or beliefs you hold true about yourself…when you uncover your core fears and beliefs the inner work toward changing those fears and beliefs can begin.
Give it a try for a week and see what happens to your thoughts when you root out different answers.
PamelaJanuary 29, 2014 at 2:33 pm #49965
As a psychologist I can tell you that you’re living stuck in a room you hate and instead of changing rooms you’re rearranging the furniture. No matter how often you move that sofa Eddie, you’re still stuck in the room, nothing really changes. What you have to realize is every thought you have about yourself and your life was put there by you. You programmed your mind by negative thoughts, errors in your thinking, and false underlying assumptions about situations and social interactions. You are existing in something called a “Negative Triad”. A negative triad is a vicious circle spinning downward. Here’s how it plays out:
1. The automatic thoughts that pop into your head are negative thoughts about yourself, the world, and the future. In your own words, you see yourself as inadequate and your life has been full of obstacles and difficulties. You see these problems as continuing with little hope for improvement.
2.When these negative automatic thoughts come into your mind, they trigger feelings of despair and make a “down” or “low” mood even lower
3. The low mood acts like a magnet for negative thoughts. The negative thoughts come to mind more often and because they do the negative thoughts become more believable.
Low mood->negative thoughts->lower mood
4. What happens next is procrastination, inactivity, and feelings of helplessness.
BUT just as you programmed your mind with negative software…you can upgrade to a new program. Now it took a long time to get your thought patterns where they are now and it will take commitment, time and practice to make changes; but it can be done with success.
The question is Do you want to change? Are there underlying benefits living in that room? Only you can answer that.
Take one small action, if you don’t want to start therapy , look for a support group, go to one meeting and see what happens. Once you make a decision and take action, you’ve already begun to break the cycle.
I’ll be praying for you.