Forum Replies Created
November 11, 2017 at 4:35 am #177647
Changing strings on the violin require care and being gentle, since the pegs are quite delicate 😉
In regards to personal growth, I think it depends on what we have to change within ourselves. If the magnitude of change required is larger, then making one change at a time is easier for us to focus on our progress and goals (trying to do many changes at once may overwhelm and cause more stress instead).
That being said, nowadays we do multitask more, so making a number of changes at once may not be too difficult as long as we have clarity on what we want to change I guess.
HOctober 13, 2017 at 4:40 pm #173087
I’m really saddened by the loss of your fiancé Pearce Hawk, and reading this news. His posts were filled with compassionate, valuable advice and I had hoped one day I would be able to communicate with him on another post. Words fail me at this point. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
Please take care,
HanaSeptember 8, 2017 at 7:54 pm #167972
Just my two cents. I read your post and can relate to some things. Culturally, I come from a place where people who knew my family background viewed my successes based on who my parents are. And when I didn’t do quite so well I would get the question of “how come I wasn’t like my mum/dad in doing x”. I’ve also been through some personal experiences where I have wondered why I wasn’t good enough, and I’m personally working through those issues.
You’re currently 21, and at the age where a teen turns into an young adult and tries to figure out what they want to do with their life. Some of us feel more acutely that question of what we want to do with our lives. Take myself for example – I have a job, however on a bad day at work I do wonder if the job I am doing right now is really what I want to do for the rest of my life. (Like you, I have many interests.) I acknowledge that I sometimes feel my goals are out of my reach, and I reflect a lot on how I should remain committed to my goals. Besides, the world is also changing, and nowadays people do change jobs from time to time, so there’s nothing wrong if you’re at the age where you still need to explore things.
As you are going to Canada for 2 years, there may be job opportunities there? You’ve written that you want to help people and working with kids rewarding, so perhaps a peer support or social worker career at this point in time might be something to work to? You could also consider enrolling in vocational courses instead of strictly college/uni at this point in time. Different people have different learning styles, so you may be a more ‘hands on’ person compared to an academic grades based person.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. On the positive side, you are actively thinking of what you want to do for your future. There are some people who don’t care about their futures.
Ayrton Senna is Ayrton Senna, and you are you.
Take care, H.August 19, 2017 at 8:31 pm #164790
You’ve gotten to a high level of surfing despite the start where you could barely ride a wave. It has taken you some years to get to where you currently at with surfing. That’s a great thing – you’ve progressed! It’s a sport you love, and you have gone through many waves, be it good or (what you felt) poor attempts at surfing in order to get better.
You may be harsh on yourself because you have expectations of yourself. Maybe it’s also seeing a peer who started out surfing the same time you have, and has gotten to a higher level you have (this I speak from personal experience, not surfing, though). Or you may have had a trainer who also told you that ‘you would never surf well’?
I have bad days where I question what I’m doing, if I’m doing the right thing with ‘wasting my life’ and sacrificing things I valued to get to where I am today. On those days, I acknowledge my negative feelings, and be kinder on myself. I also have good days where I feel like I can make a difference to what I’m doing, and I want to improve more.
We all have days like that, and you’re not alone.
I think you are trying to improve on your surfing, and you might feel frustrated because it feels like you’ve hit a wall somewhere. Don’t give up.
HAugust 13, 2017 at 3:27 am #163714
Thank you for your kind words, Gia 🙂August 12, 2017 at 7:23 pm #163672
Thank you for your reply. Don’t worry about the html codes. I think you have done everything that you could in the situation as civilly as possible. And it’s not a case of ‘winning or losing’, as per that tenant’s beliefs. I’m sorry to hear that the people that you sought some assistance from have been rather ‘dismissive’ to your concerns.
As a health professional currently training in mental health, I’ve learnt that in some mental health conditions there can be incongruence in behaviour sometimes, especially when the man is faced with a person of an ‘authoritative’ nature (i.e. your landlord, the police). And yes, it is hard when you are dealing with someone who has a Hyde and Jekyll personality. <– The best advice I’ve read dealing with people like that is mainly avoidance. Yes, they can be charming, but eventually the cracks will show in their behavior. Trust your instincts – they rarely would be wrong. If I were in your situation, I would have that fear as well.
If you do bump into your next door neighbor you could strike up a conversation and ask them if the man downstairs had tried anything threatening. Also let them know that you were the one who knocked on their door during Xmas 2016 (they may not have wanted ‘unwanted’ visitors during their celebration, or maybe they really hadn’t heard your knocks). See how their reaction is like – if they are equally dismissive, then it would seem like you won’t have much support in the apartment building (i.e. would be a good idea to move to a place where you have caring neighbours, or better security). If they appear apologetic and would be concerned, then you have a chance of continuously staying in the place (if you wish to do so).
If there’s one thing that personally irks me when it’s related to authority figures that can be dismissive is that when something goes south in a really bad way, then there’s the regret, and words like, “We should have done this, and that.” There’s a phrase called “Sorry, no cure” (if you’re familiar with it?). I would rather prevent situations, than try to resolve the aftermath.
Moving to a new place is a big decision which can be exhausting. Especially if you have signed a yearly contract with the landlord and have to pay the full accommodation costs until the end of the contract even if you decided to break the contract (which is the norm where I live). I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to suddenly shift out of the place I was living in (and one of the situations was when the owner turned violent towards a family member). If you have friends and family close by, I would consider staying with them until you find a new place elsewhere (e.g. bunking in at a friend’s place and paying half rent).
HAugust 12, 2017 at 5:42 pm #163664
Sorry that you’re going through all of this. When I’m reading the description of that tenant uttering threats, advising you to not listen to the devil, listening into his apartment with microphones, him hearing noises of dragging, wall-banging etc – it is him who has a problem, it reads like a mental health disorder which may or may not have been diagnosed. Or he may not be taking his medications properly, hence the deterioration in his behavior (especially when he is living alone and there is no family, etc visiting).
I don’t think your initial behavior of seeking him out to find a compromise was naïve, because it has shown you what your other tenant actually is like. There is nothing wrong in playing music during normal daytime hours (eg from 9am to 7pm). Have you asked your landlord for some advice? I’ve always believed in knowing a brief background of your neighbours at least (but can be hard sometimes when you don’t meet the rest of the tenants due to work, etc).
Have you also asked the burly man next door if this particular tenant has tried to ‘threaten’ him in the same way he has done to you? Get a friend to accompany you. The burly man may not have realised the situation, and on your part you may also get a new neighbor keeping an eye on things. The tenant may have tried to intimidate you because (I do apologise for stereotyping here, but it has also happened to me before) you are female, and may be of a smaller built than him. What have the police done when you first alerted them to that tenant? Have you been able to tell the police the whole story up until now?
Gia, I hope my words won’t unnecessarily alarm you further (sorry), but I would consider moving out to a place that you can play your piano freely, and that you are not increasingly feeling fearful.
HanaAugust 12, 2017 at 5:14 pm #163652
I’m sorry that you had gone through such an experience. And yes, some words are really hard to forget. I have been in situations where I was told that I wasn’t good enough at work (and this was mainly due to inexperience and it was 3 months of me starting out), or when I had worked the jobs of 2 people (due to 1 person resigning unable to handle the workload, and all I was told was to make sure I don’t fall sick). I left those work situations. But sometimes when my current job stress builds up, those things I was told before come up to mind, and they are enough to make me feel really suffocated. You get those days sometimes.
I take the time to self reflect on my job pathway, and although those experiences were nasty, I have to admit I was thankful I learnt to built myself up and become a better version of myself at work, and I am continuously progressing from there. If anything, I’ve learnt to not become like those former employers.
You’ve done well for yourself, and through the process, built up resilience and become stronger. And when you are in a mentoring or management position, you can understand your junior employees work stressors and where they are coming from.
HAugust 11, 2017 at 6:24 pm #163556
I’m the same age as you are, and I’ve been through some ups and downs in my life (mainly the adult part of it), and when I reflect on my schooling years I thought high school life was the best for me simply because I could juggle studies, sports and art at the time (despite there being major exam stress). At present, as a working adult I am struggling to study part time, work full time (although my job’s currently a contractual basis so no stability there yet), and sort out some other personal stuff.
Like Inky has said, it has to do with perspective. When I reflect on my life (and I reflect more frequently when there are major stressors in my life), I have to realize that when we grow older we do learn new responsibilities which make us have to reorganize our life in a new way. So I am a work in progress.
Some days, like you, I get overwhelmed and feel like I need to “quit” too but I tell myself that I have yet to achieve my goals (and prove some naysayers wrong). Like you, I have had a string of job interview rejections. Over the years I have collected inspirational things to motivate me to get through my life’s stressors, and I keep two journals (one for me to just purely vent, and the other is a gratitude journal).
<div class=”bbp-reply-content”></div>June 23, 2017 at 6:43 pm #154750
I feel that it’s important to be compassionate with yourself, and not set expectations (eg I want to heal by x number of weeks, and when that doesn’t happen one might get angry with oneself and wonder what is wrong). Different people take a different amount of time to heal, and it also depends with how each individual handles pain, a very subjective matter.
Also different people react differently to pain pills, sometimes being drowsy is the main side effect and definitely be careful when you’re doing daily activities eg having a shower (there is a risk of accidentally falling down) or handling sharp objects like scissors or knives (to prevent any injuries). Some other side effects may include vomiting and nausea, or constipation, and there are different ways of handling these side effects. It mainly depends on what your doctor prescribes for you, do ask the doctor or your pharmacist what side effects to look out for, and get some written information about the medication you are on.
Do take care.
HanaJune 23, 2017 at 3:01 am #154634
I think you have done the best you could by apologizing to him. You had admitted it was your fault, and the ball is now in his court. If he is still ignoring you then I guess that was the ‘weight’ of your friendship. It’s not as if you pretended nothing was wrong, because some people are good at doing that especially when they are at fault.
I am also speaking from a recent experience I had from work where I thought I was helping a colleague (colleague A) out but in the end, A treated me rather dismissively (long story). I spent the last few days wondering how I could’ve done the work better, and I had spoken to another colleague (colleague B) about how A treated me. B told me that it was that a reflection of A’s attitude, not mine.
As painful as the situation is, we have to learn to move on. I agree with Pearce, giving yourself space is important, as well as being compassionate with yourself.
HanaMay 20, 2017 at 7:02 pm #150121
Do stay strong in this situation. It’s also a bit trickier since you are still dependent on your family. To me, the act of them calling an Imam to come and speak to you is quite serious about their current ‘non-acceptance’.
Apologies to Inky I have a different opinion to hers – I’m not sure if leaving Buddhist articles around the house would be accepted by your family. Do you have a school locker, or a safe spot that you can put all your Buddhist items for safe keeping (i.e. a sanctuary)?
Just my thoughts, but I wouldn’t want the scenario of a family member or even friend (in their ‘non-understanding’ of your situation) to do something drastic like throw away those Buddhist items in an effort to make you return to your previous religion.
Do take care.
HanaMay 8, 2017 at 4:13 am #148449
I think job hunting is hard, especially with the economy nowadays and moreso in fields which are more competitive. You’re right in thinking right now better to have a job (albeit not great) than no job. Maybe you could also consider studying part time for another skill set as an option for career advancement/change of career in the future?
In work situations like ours, it may not be a good course of action to try rock the boat too much (getting into management’s bad books may cause a lot more than just being stuck in a position for years; a person may even not be considered for job/s because managements from different companies have communicated with each other). Yes, I agree it’s not great having to tolerate superiors which act in that way, and by not doing anything much the bad behavior is likely to perpetuate. I’m not saying to become a doormat and allow people to walk over you but I would encourage fostering some good work relationships at the very least so that the bosses wouldn’t consider you as a scapegoat if troubles arise (should that situation arise, then leaving the job would be the better option for your own sake).
In your situation regarding the bosses agreeing with A, maybe if you could consider that your work is moving ahead (because “A also thinks so”), instead of the bosses saying no and your work can’t continue because you need your bosses’ approval –> it might be a good thing? Or in your original post the supervisor didn’t offer to help you with bringing the flyers to the meeting, but you think “It’s okay, I’m capable of bringing the flyers myself, with or without help!”
HanaMay 8, 2017 at 2:05 am #148437
Understandably the job is important so that you can save money for the future (i.e. home = a one bedroom apartment!). It’s not a strange dream at all; when I had noisy housemates I really wanted to move out and live in a single bedroom apartment, but because I was studying full time (no part time work) and single unit apartments around my area were really expensive, those plans had to be shelved for the time being. The student accommodation I lived in was close to pubs/food outlets so it was pretty noisy during Fri – Sun nights!
Hopefully like Inky has mentioned you’ll get a housemate who shares your qualities so shared living would be smooth, and while you’ll be looking into some psychotherapy like Anita mentioned, Youtube has a great selection of meditational music/ spiritual chanting (whichever you’re more comfortable with) to help with calming you down.
HanaMay 7, 2017 at 12:49 am #148313
When I was a uni student, I lived in a situation like yours. I had housemates who were very extroverted, bringing boyfriends and friends over, playing loud music, etc.
I stayed in my room most of the time when my housemate had friends over. Only when I’d to go to the common living room, kitchen (and meet the other people) I’d just say hello, asked how was their day before I went back to my room (i.e. my sanctuary).
During the times I had important exams/presentations I’d just tell my current housemate politely I had those on, and would ask her when her exams, etc on, just so I would make sure I didn’t disturb her (this was just courtesy). I’ve had situations I had no choice but to knock on my (previous) housemate’s door to ask her (plus friends) to lower their music due to me having exams. It didn’t help the walls of the apartment were thin!
When things got noisy, playing music with earplugs on was my best friend.
I lived with housemates for 5 years, then decided when I was working to live on my own (mainly because I was also tired of some negative experiences I’d gone through living with other people).
If your circumstances permit, you may want to consider living by yourself.