Dearest Salisha and Anita,

I am really grateful and excited for your replies. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out.

Both of your advice(s) were very good. As far as the two different types of advice – what I think happened is this:
~Salisha: you wrote such sweet, pure advice based on the little information I gave you.I will definitely look into the book you mentioned. I have a strong feeling that you are at a more firm part of happiness in your life, it seems to resonate from your insightful words. I’m proud of you for that.
~Anita: even without much information, somehow you were able to know my sister quite well. You made inferences that were quite spot on…”Your sister thinks, as I understand that YOU are the wrong doer, so you should ask for her forgiveness, according to her, isn’t it so?”. I also think that the feeling of annoyance comes because after years and years of abuse and feeling of wrongdoing, it is difficult to recover. Sometimes it takes putting on blinders to whatever people have to say in order for you to convince yourself that you deserve happiness in life. Just that. Happiness. Even slight nuances that bring you back to the thought of having to return to a very hard part of your life – that, at the time – you didn’t realize was so hard, is terrifying. And the defenses come up. Perhaps this may be the case?

Of course, I could be totally wrong. All that matters is that you are good people, reaching out to help.

Salisha, I think what I need to clarify is that I have spent 7 years trying to recover from my families’ abuse. I think it was only in the last half of that (or less), that I started to realize more and more that my sister was the worse of it for me. Sexually, emotionally, and physically abusive. I was her lackey. Even the weekly rage we all got from my father does not outdo the way she treated me.

Before her 30th birthday, I made it very clear to her that I spent years – after every hurt she did, laying bricks onto a wall. The bigger the hurt, the larger the wall became, such that the last few years I barely spoke to her. I explained that I apologize for the distance, and I am breaking down the walls. I realize she could not help who she had been to me, and I only hoped she could change. She didn’t ever remember being mean to me and required specific instances. The 30th birthday was a miserable experience. What is sad to me is that she has a fiance now, who she told everyone she wanted him to “be a wife to her” that she treats so poorly. Just like she treated me. It is oddly reflective of how my father treated my mother.

A lot of my wanting to include her in my happy-seeking life, like Anita suggests, is based on societal suggestions along the lines of “you can’t choose your family members”. So maybe if I couldn’t, I would try to include them on a loving journey.

But I think a better quote I read on tiny buddha, is this, “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan.

I am not sure if either of you have read or had experience with narcissistic abuse, but I am very fortunate my abused mother (of my father) discovered that he was an extreme narcissist. Education helps heal for me. He too, I forgive. He could not help becoming this way. My brother and I, I think, were the scapegoat children of my father. Only recently, I’ve had a “holy smokes” realization that I was also the “child to a narcissistic mother” — my sister. She used to tell me “mom was always too out of it to raise you, so I really did”. She didn’t. And my mother is a beautiful person. She follows good in her life. Unfortunately, although she is very aware of the abuse, for some reason, she will not allow herself to cut it off. She thinks she can fix it. Her hands bleed with anxiety.

Anita, I really like your suggestion of no communication. What do you think – with the letter, I was just trying to give her the perfect reason, the most understanding reason for an out. But let’s face it, nothing will be perfect. Even the letter, I imagine, will not resonate with her.

You are also absolutely right about not wanting her in my life at all – not even hearing about her. Unfortunately, my mom has builded/fed her my whole life through comparisons with me…”her waist is just so skinny, boobs so big…” etc. My mom wants her daughters to get along so she has always encouraged me to forgive my sister. I did talk with my mom about not wanting her in my life, and explained all my reasons, and she just loved back and completely understood. She didn’t realize a lot going on, but we cannot live in the past. The fact that she understands and wants me to be happy is a beautiful thing.

Anyway, I could go on and on. For now, I am so happy for you Anita for cutting your mother off. My mom, too, had an abusive upbringing and it has taken until the age of 60 to start to realize how hard it was. She finally put pictures of her parents in the drawer.

Thank you both, lead your lives with love, be good people.

~Happizer