You feel like no matter what you do, there is always some heart-testing conflict that makes this relationship never just stay happy. “Why can’t he just be easy?” you think, because you can have the most WONDERFUL times when he’s fine and sober. Why couldn’t he just want that too?? Where is the appeal in drinking over quality time with you? Even when he’s not drinking, things like not agreeing on values test the relation and make the whole thing feel like one big test of faith, a test of YOUR resolve because you feel responsible and committed to being the one person who is there when he isn’t strong enough.

The first thing you need to do is realize that he isn’t going to change for years. Do you consider these the best years of your life? I say that because a lot of what he is doing is out of a lack of control. Avoiding blame, avoiding responsibility, admitting occasionally it is a problem but not worried about actively changing it because he already knows he has no control over it no matter how bad he wants it. He might only admit a problem in the first place, as an act to keep you around. If he can do just *one* significant enough thing, you’re so used to the worst that any kind of effort feels like a blessing and his attempt at hope for a future. You’re only looking for the best, out of the faith and pure love in your heart for him. But he isn’t doing anything, and that is the reality.

He primarily tries to love on you after a bad argument as another outward act of inability to control himself. Since he can’t, he controls you. All people have some need of intimacy with another human being, but are you sure the BEST thing you can do with this life the good Lord has given you, is take care of an unreliable alcoholic? This test is put before you for a reason.

If he loved you, would he care about you as much as he cared about himself? Well that level isn’t very much, because he can’t even help himself. He’s not going to ‘love’ you in the way of thinking you higher than him, so high that he must change. Only your ‘taking a break’ or leaving is going to fix that.

But you’re afraid to leave, because all of the other problems in the relationship might contribute to a sense of permanence. You’re afraid to rock the boat, afraid of that break, afraid you’re “failing” some greater good you set out to do with him. I have something very important to tell you: If he cannot empathize that you were hurt in the worst of ways as an innocent child, and still throws the blame on you to avoid his own cowardly weakness, he is mentally sick.

You can still love a mentally sick person, but in order to do that, you must realize there is something wrong with them and distance yourself from that. Don’t get involved and let their every short coming affect your heart as it is now. Take a step back, be the bigger person, make decisions for yourself, and if you two still get along, fine. If not, he’s not right for you, because darling it is -not- your job to try dragging him out of his hole. It is perfectly okay to try asking him to do it, to show support for his efforts, to be with him when he’s really trying.

If he is not trying, it is not your job to suffer. Take a break from this relationship, tell him you will be ready to live together (are you strong enough to show you are serious? Because he knows he can manipulate you into staying, and he does every. Single. Time. Because you don’t know what you really want from your own life any more than he does. It’s time to find your real purpose, and see that he will come with you when he decides it.) when he is ready to make some changes.

Give him a chance to actually change. People say ‘once an alcoholic, always’ and that is true, but they can learn to control the illness. If you love him dearly, support the efforts he makes, but you changing yourself will have the greatest impact. Wouldn’t a man rather try for a woman he respects? Because he doesn’t respect you, and no, you’re not enough to be worth changing for if you’re caught up in his irrational spiral. If you want to be the bigger person, take control, and show him the way. Nothing is going to change otherwise.

If you do get stronger, and become wise in the process, ask God to heal him and to prepare his heart. If this man DOES decide to change, and you are there to see his initiative and to help him through as you promised you would if he did, then you will be closer than ever before and those other problems will have to be a product of compromise.

No matter what you do, you can do nothing until you first help yourself.

From personal experience, anyone who ever invested time or connection in you at all won’t be 100% content to have you go. Yes, he left, but it probably isn’t true that he feels only happy thoughts about it. The people who ghosted me were always at least a little torn, but since they took the initiative to reject, they were already on their way to getting over it just fine. They did cry over it, despite moving on.

Maybe you should just make an attempt at that last phone call. It will work you up, and depress you, but at least you can “reject the rejecter” and make it your choice to say, “I will not let HIM define how I should be.” Think about the main point of what you would convey to him, and try to end things on your terms without dragging it out. If you drag it out, or crack and beg, it will only make you feel worse. (I’ve been there.) Make it YOUR choice to define what it good for you, to shove someone that immature into the history of what makes you you today, and try to pray pray pray when it’s still hurting. It might be the best way to find God, through suffering.

I’ve been there. I know the pain. I know what it feels like, when the light of your life goes out, and the best thing you can do, is summon allll of the strength you can, and decide you’re not going to let him have that control, because he isn’t the person you perceived him to be. The person you knew doesn’t exist, like being sad over a TV show. It seems rational watching it play out, but no one is going to hurt themselves and damage their lives over a sad program they saw on TV, because those people aren’t real.

Exercise:
Match the person you thought of him as, to the person he is right now. How far apart are they?

I know you are simply mourning the memory and loss, but if you do contact, it is important to know he already is a ghost and you’re already on your own to make your own choices. Seek closure, one way or another.

To answer the original post, this entirely depends on the reason your partner would become quiet. I have two examples. The first was downright shocking.

My husband began speaking to me less, never initiated sexual relations (and before, I would have to be VERY blunt because just wearing something adult rated with lots of lace was not enough to get the point across.) And he was uncomfortable with cuddling, but did so if I asked him to. He didn’t want to talk about problems, just dodged them the most he could, and all of this became the worst after having kids. (Before, not tooo bad. But not good.) His reason was inexperience and not knowing how to handle problems between us at all. I was almost doing all the work, and after the divorce, he was officially diagnosed with autism. Both of us were very surprised, but it all suddenly made a lot of sense. He had been talking to his mother, and she joked that the family doctor thought he was autistic as a child, so he actually went to get checked out. Passed every symptom, and his brother is clearly mentally handicap even more so. (Love comes in all forms, yet I was shooting for medical school. Was a startling contrast of intelligence, but I did love him genuinely.)

The second, I had no idea why he would get more quiet for the longest time. He wouldn’t outright leave, he’d just get busy in his own things, or sit around staring at the wall without saying anything. I’d ask, and he’d never answer, and got anxious if I pressed. It was difficult, I didn’t understand why he was withdrawing. Later, with lots of patience and building on each other, he expressed past abuse. Confiding problems was complaining, and complaining meant pain. Strong, silent type of man a lot of the time.

Hello D. To someone else, a week might not seem like much. But they don’t know what it’s like to lose a best friend, a constant companion. The person who occupies your thoughts in the shower, before bed, and excites you to get up for again. Even if they don’t share the bed with you, they are attached to your emotional being like two souls that brushed. To lose that friend is to lose the light of life, to lose the everything.

Darling, I know that suffering. It’s one thing to empathize; They changed medicine. Their mom died and now they are insecure about female relationships. But to have nothing? Nothing to empathize with, no reason? Cruelty.

If you do hear back from them, can you post it? If you decide to let it go, will you post how you got through it and how you felt? I’d really like to know.

I found, myself, with a direct e-mail that was short but not too open (it’s easy to ignore open), that I would at least get a one line ‘Do whatever you want.’ Response. Open would be a question like, “Are you okay?” or “Talk to me when you can.” Direct is simply, “Are we done speaking?”

If composing a parting e-mail, I found more peace if I showed love in the goodbye than digging for a response. It makes a person feel like they gave all they could, so nothing better could have happened. “Thank you for what you helped me learn.” Sending it is an act of personal closure, if you really are done. But if you wanted a response and you’re willing to take an extra dose of pain & humility, you can still try.

Open:
“I’m really worried about you. Has something happened? If there is a problem, you can tell me, I only want to help. You’re my best friend and I miss you greatly. I’ll be here when you get a chance.”

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Gracy.