You are already well on your way to being all that you want to be! Just having the awareness and the willingness to change is a HUGE step. Be proud of yourself for embarking on this journey of self-exploration.

As Helen mentioned, it’s about making small changes and being patient with yourself. Changing patterns of behaviour takes a lot of courage. And as Matt alluded to, it’s important to investigate why you are withholding your true thoughts and emotions. Take a look at what fears are holding you back. Are you afraid he might not agree? Are you afraid he won’t approve? Do you fear his rejection? Do you fear he won’t love you if he knows the real you; ALL of you?

When we are not totally open and honest with our feelings in a relationship, we not only close ourselves off from deeper intimacy, but we also hurt ourselves. In not being true to yourself, you can lose yourself and this, as you already know, breaks your own heart and betrays your own soul.

Speak up for yourself, knowing you are worthy and important, knowing you deserve to be heard. Speak up with courage, conviction, compassion, clarity and calmness. Congratulate yourself for every small step you make and don’t beat yourself when you fall into old patterns. It will take time but it will be well worth it! Best of luck, Kayla!

Thanks Di. It really helps to talk about all this with someone. Since I am in a new place, I don’t really have any close friends yet.

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning. I realized that a marriage really is a tool for growth. It’s about learning the delicate balance between autonomy and dependence. I believe my root fear is the fear of being alone; of having to rely only on myself. Since I didn’t have a solid sense of myself going into my relationship, I had the tendency to try to please my partner and ignore my true feelings in order to try to keep the peace, thinking that disturbing this peace would mean the end of our relationship. Although I have been making some baby steps towards standing up for myself, I feel that I am getting closer and closer to the point of crisis–the point where I will lay it all on the line and leave all fear behind because the alternative will be losing myself completely.

As you mentioned, it’s essential that my actions are consistent with my core self, values and beliefs. Now, even though it all seems clear in my head, I cannot yet find the bravery and confidence to do what I know I need to do.

I also believe that my partner is facing his fears–his fear of being dependent and being controlled. It’s no wonder he sees me as the enemy. (NOT excusing his behavior but understanding more) Because of our current situation, I have most of the ‘power’. I believe he hates feeling so powerless and helpless and has been taking his frustrations out on me (and alcohol). It’s like we are in a tug of war, both holding the same rope but pulling in opposite directions. Honestly, I am very curious as to how it will end!! When I awaken in the middle of the night, I know the truth. I know that, eventually, I am going to have to really TAKE A STAND. It will take time to reach this point. I still have work to do–getting more solid in myself, knowing my needs and seeing my truth. Until then, I just have to keep taking one baby step at a time.