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Heather

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • August 18, 2014 at 9:35 am #63583
    Heather
    Participant

    Thanks Ayesha for the quotes. I love both of them and needed to hear them this morning. Take care!

    August 17, 2014 at 11:58 am #63544
    Heather
    Participant

    Hi Top, I find your post very interesting and relatable. I went to college/university later in life and not right out of high school.

    When I left high school I had no idea what I wanted to be “when I grew up” and I had very few interests. I decided to go for a college degree when I was 21-22, I went to a community college and just took some random classes to decide what I like. At that time psychology was a big interest of mine. I then discovered that with all the classes I was taking I still didn’t really “know” what I wanted to be. I ended up getting engaged and stopped going to college.

    Fast-forward about 5-years, I decided to try college again. I went back to a community college to become a medical transcriptionist (a 2-year degree). While going through those classes I still was not sure that this was what I really wanted. Then I came across a 4-year degree that was much more interesting, so I decided to go ahead and go for the 4-year degree. I graduated with my 4-year degree when I was 31.

    I am currently working in a position that 1) has nothing to do with my degree and 2) I have no interest in, so I am looking at returning to school (while still working full-time) to pursue a graduate degree. The graduate degree I am looking at pursuing is somewhat similar to what my Bachelor’s degree is, but it still is a bit different, but I know now that is where my passion is.

    My point is that I am almost 36 and I just realized what I really want to be “when I grow up.” I found going to college later in life was much more fulfilling because I knew my interests better and I driven. I was much more appreciative of my education as well. I found that many fellow students that were just coming out of high school were not has appreciative and didn’t really care about their education. Many were in programs that their parents wanted for them and not what they wanted. Many continued and many changed programs, which meant for a possible longer college career, but they were happier. I know some people that switched their degrees multiple times because they just didn’t know what they wanted.

    I know here in the US the first 2-years of college are all basic “core” classes, not many that are specific to your degree/program. It sounds like you may be in another country, so I am not familiar with how things are set-up. If it is similar to the US where many classes are just the basic classes can you take other classes that are more interest to you? Like someone else stated, can you minor in what your interests are? Can you change your program and just go for what interests you?

    In my time I have found that many people that go for college educations, something that seems to pretty much be needed for any job in the US, end up doing jobs that are unrelated to their degrees (like me). It is sometimes hard to find the “perfect” job in your interested field right out of college. If you add to that having a degree in a profession that you have no interest in it may be even more difficult to find the “perfect” job.

    I am not trying to detour you from continuing your education, in fact I think more education is very important in today’s society. What I am trying to say is that whatever you decide to do it does not mean that it is permanent. Things change with life experience. My advice to you is to go for your interests, go for what makes you happy and does not add unneeded stress. If you parents are funding your education talk with them and let them know that you want to change degrees because it makes you so unhappy where you are now. Supportive parents will understand and want you to be happy. If you get out into the “real world” and have a hard time finding a job it is not the end of the world.

    Education is always there to go back to. Life experiences may show you something that interests you that is completely out there and at this time you have no clue it even interests you (that has been my experience). The importance is that you are happy and having a fulfilling life. I know many people that have careers that they do not like and go home every night crying because they are so unhappy, I have been one of these people as well.

    I wish you well in your decisions. It is a tough spot to be in and you are by no means the first to be in this position. I am sure there are many other students around you that are dealing with their own struggles, maybe reach out to some of them and see what they are doing. If your college has a career advising center go seek help from them. If there is counseling available at your college seek help from them too.

    Talk with your parents, let them know how you are feeling, open, honest communication is important with your parents. Being a parent myself now, I urge our son (11) to be open and honest with us about his life and we let him know that we support anything that he wants to do, we just want him to be happy. If he wants to work at McDonald’s being a cashier and that makes him happy, then we are fine with that. Granted, that is not what my husband and I think is best for him, but his happiness is more important.

    Good luck! Take care!

    August 17, 2014 at 10:40 am #63540
    Heather
    Participant

    Thank you Ayesha for responding and understanding my misinterpretation. It is hard to get people’s intentions when you don’t know them and you are just reading words on a screen. I apologize again for misunderstanding.

    This conversation has opened my eyes and showed me that people’s intentions are usually positive. That is one reason why I wanted to post my truth on tiny buddha instead of another site. I have read many people’s posts on here and everyone is usually very honest, positive, and forthcoming on their thoughts. They also give another view to things, which is what I like. Other sites you usually get trolls and mean people that just poke and humiliate you, which just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    I am like you I think everyone is special and has their own purpose in the world. Judging other people about who they are just doesn’t make sense to me, especially when it comes to their race, religion, sexual orientation, and lifestyle. Everyone has their own hopes and dreams and we all need to support those no matter how big or small. I know some people where their dream is something simple, like have a meal every night, and some that are very big, like be a millionaire with a huge house. Very different life goals, but one is not better than the other.

    I think that is what played into some of the problems of my relationship with this other woman. Her family is more financially stable than my family. Her husband has a very good salary and supports them, she works for him, but has plenty of time to do other things (mostly with her children). She is able to buy and do pretty much anything she wants. On the flip side I work full-time, have a fairly average salary, my husband stays home with our son and does freelance work when he can. We live a very simple life and have had a lot of financial struggles. In the past year and a half we have downsized our life dramatically. She was always giving me a hard time about my husband needing to find work and help support our family. She often called him lazy and that I need to tell him to get a job so that we could be more financially stable and be able to go on adventures and big trips. In her eyes this would make my life “easier” and I would be happier.

    The way I see it is my husband has a job. He stays home with our son. Yes, our son is 11 and can stay home alone for short periods of time, but we don’t want that. Our son also has autism and having a parent pick him up from school every day and bring him home is beneficial for him. My husband is able to help him with his homework if he is struggling and give our son the routine he needs to be successful. It also is makes our son feel more secure when both parents are at home at night and we get to have some family time. It works for us and personally I like supporting our family.

    My husband supported our family for a number of years when I stayed home. When he got laid off from his job, I was finishing up my college degree (I was an “untraditional” college student, going to college later in life). He tried to find work with no luck. Then when I graduated we decided that I would be the head of household and he would stay home and freelance. Yes, we had to downsize and have our struggles, but it works for us. She never understood this and would give me a hard time often about it. It was one of my first wake-up calls that she was trying to make me be someone that I am not.

    Sorry, that turned into a longer reply than I was thinking it would be, but it shows a little bit more about my relationship with this other woman and why I probably reacted the way I did to your original post. Again, I apologize and thank you for being open and honest with me, as well as understanding. It has taught me another lesson. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Heather.
    August 16, 2014 at 9:20 pm #63527
    Heather
    Participant

    Actually Matt, I did consider that was a possibility of what she meant after your first reply opened my eyes.

    I am a bit tender, so I am sure that had something to do with my reaction. This being the 1st time that I put my truth out there to for other people to see/hear I was not sure what the reaction would be. I notice that I do have my walls up and expect the worst, something I still am working on.

    Your words are so kind and thoughtful. Thank you! Also, thank you for opening my eyes to the different interpretations I truly appreciate it!

    Take care!

    August 16, 2014 at 6:48 pm #63522
    Heather
    Participant

    Thank you Matt for your insight. It has made me look at Ayesha’s comment differently. It is so hard to fully understand what people are saying through posts, texts, messages, etc, which is why I wanted to be sure to state that if I misunderstood that I apologize.

    Also, her saying she was straight didn’t bother me, it was more the comment, “…just post it in Oprah…” That part is what really got me and made me look at her comment from a different aspect.

    Thank you again for your insight and your kind words. My point of posting my truth was to show others that there are many things that people can overcome and that it is possible to move on; however, the most important part is to accept yourself for who you are and that will make your life much happier and peaceful.

    I will keep smiling, hope you do too! 🙂 Take care!

    August 16, 2014 at 12:02 pm #63506
    Heather
    Participant

    Thank you Ayesha for your comments; however, I am a bit confused with what you are trying to say. Your statement, “Have faith in yourself.. just post it in Oprah… I have been read a lot about bisexual in Oprah websites.. I am sure there will be people support you!” tell me that you feel that I should not have posted my truth on Tiny Buddha. I am not going to apologize for my decision of posting this and if the moderator felt like I should not have posted this here I am sure they would have removed it, or contacted me directly.

    I will apologize if I have misunderstood your statement; however, if my understanding is correct your statement is why it took me so long to decide whether or not to post my truth. I am who I am and I am PROUD of who I am, that is why I took this step to state my truth. I am not looking for another “girlfriend,” so your statement about being “straight” is irrelevant. There are reasons why I will not post to Oprah, or even go to the site, which I will not be sharing here.

    I accept that everyone will not agree with my life and how I choose to live it, but I will not allow people with your mindset to hold me back. I have been held back and feared by people with that mindset for far too long. Again, I apologize if I have misunderstood your statement. Take care!

    August 15, 2014 at 6:26 pm #63488
    Heather
    Participant

    Thanks Krista! This was a big step for me. 🙂 Take care!

    August 15, 2014 at 4:23 pm #63485
    Heather
    Participant

    Thank you Lee for your kind words. I have a friend that was from Scotland and moved to the US many years ago. She goes back often to visit and one day we hope to visit Scotland and all of Europe, one of our many dream vacations. 🙂

    It took me a while to discover that the relationship was one-sided and it was very heartbreaking. I still have my moments that is for sure, but they are becoming fewer and fewer. Once I realized it I was very nervous and concerned about reactions and how I would be perceived, but with the help of my amazing therapist and husband I was given the strength to get through that. Once I wrote the letter to her I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. Originally, I was not going to send it, I wrote it in my journal. Then after sitting on it for a week, discussing it with my therapist I decided that deep down I knew I had to send it and I did. I then felt an even bigger weight off my shoulders. This week the weight has lifted even more when I realized that there is no reason for me to reply to her most recent email and that I am walking away from this relationship knowing I have done absolutely everything that I could possibly do to be a friend.

    I am glad that I have discovered that I need to be happy with myself in order to be happy with everyone else. It is a huge revelation for me and I know that my son benefits from it the most. I also recently had a friend lose her 4-year-old daughter suddenly and she has shared many of her feelings with me. The one thing that has really struck home with me that has helped with me moving on is to not sweat the small things because you never know what the next moment will be. Through her I have learned to live life to the fullest and go for my hopes and dreams. I have also realized that if my son doesn’t eat all of his dinner and he still wants ice cream for dessert it is not the end of the world, as well as staying up 30-minutes past his bedtime to watch an educational show that he loves. Of course, these things do not happen every night and we do have limits (my son needs limits, routines, and direction).

    Thanks again for your kind words. You have made the first step, which is the hardest, discovering that you don’t NEED anyone to be happy!! Your son will see that and learn from you. Take care! 🙂

    August 5, 2014 at 2:26 pm #62714
    Heather
    Participant

    Hi Bronwyn,

    I have been where you are more times than I want to admit. It was not until about a year and a half ago that I had a wake up call and have started changing my life.

    I will tell you that it is NEVER to late to go back to school and start your life over. I received my Bachelor’s degree when I was 32, and I was not the oldest graduate. We had many “older” students that were receiving their Bachelor’s degrees that year. The one thing I will tell you is that when you return to college as an “older” student you appreciate your education way more than those kids that have just finished high school. You have life experience that you can put into your education and there is SO much that you can contribute in classes.

    I even worked on campus at my college. I worked in the Student Activities center, so I was around students that were almost half my age. They respected me and I made some amazing friendships with them. At times they would look to me for advice and they all admired me for what I was doing. It was great.

    Currently, I am not using my degree in the position that I have and it irritates me, but over the past year I have realized that I am in the position I am in for some reason that is beyond my knowledge. I am also looking at going BACK to college, this time for my Master’s degree. Yes, I will be a college student once again at the age of 37.

    What I have learned over the past year and a half is that everything happens for a reason and often times we have no idea why things happen at the time. Sometimes we discover the why, and sometimes we never know, but there is always a reason.

    Take each day and put one step in front of the other. Pick one thing that you want to do and do one thing each day to work towards that goal. If it is losing weight, make it a point to park further away from the entrance of the store, maybe eat a salad for lunch, or drink 2 sodas instead of 5. If it is going back to school make a list of the things you like to do, look at different programs from different colleges, sign-up for 1 class at the community college for the next term/semester. Every little step towards your goal is one step closer than you were.

    As for moving back in with your parents, don’t feel ashamed to move back in with your parents if that is what you need to do to move forward. Sometimes you have to take a step or 2 backwards in order to take some steps forward. Remember, if you are working towards a goal to get a different degree, then living with your parents saves you money on having to pay out for an apartment for a bit. It is NOT something that is “forever,” it is a temporary solution as you work on a permanent fix.

    You are right where you need to be at this time. You are an AMAZING person with a TON of potential to do AMAZING things. Don’t let this little bump in the road keep you down.

    Also, as someone else said, don’t try to read into people’s reactions to you. You do not know what they are thinking or dealing with. They may have just been told some bad news and are processing it, or they may be struggling like you and are afraid to share it. I have been told many times that I “look like a b***ch” and have been told to smile. I have a face that in it’s “normal” state may come across as being mad, upset, or b***chy, but I am really not feeling that way, I am actually very happy.

    Good luck and take care!

    August 5, 2014 at 1:02 pm #62711
    Heather
    Participant

    Thanks Alpal! I have started with just doing my best to not reach out to her, which is a lot harder than one thinks. When I have something that happens that I want to reach out to her for, I reach out to someone else, or I journal. Journaling has been an amazing thing for me, not sure why I didn’t start ions ago…LOL!! I also still have her as a friend on Facebook and stuff like that, so I can still kind of see what she is up to, overtime that may change, who knows. I still care about her a lot and which her well in her life. She is just not a good fit in my life right now and I have realized that she has her own things she has to deal with and there is no way I can help her with that, she needs to find her own way. Good luck to you too!!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Heather.
    August 5, 2014 at 11:02 am #62702
    Heather
    Participant

    Thanks for your insight here. I too am going through a similar situation with a friend. The letting go part is very hard, but I am trying to do it as best I can. I tried to continue the friendship with everything I had in me and nothing happened, in fact from my perspective it made things worse. Maybe because I know I was trying so hard and was not getting anything back. I became exhausted from it and could not continue. I realize now that I am doing the best thing for myself, if she decides she misses me and wants me in her life we will see where I am at that time, if not, I am better off. I want happiness in my life and this friendship was bringing a lot of negativity.

    August 5, 2014 at 10:49 am #62699
    Heather
    Participant

    Hi Luna,

    I have to say that your situation hits close to home for me. I too have had a similar experience with my best friend. We were really close for 2-years, hooked up, I had a lot of strong feelings, she said she did, but then grew distant at the same time. We ended things romantically almost a year ago and tried to be “just friends.” Things started getting weird and she was growing more and more distant and was still playing with my head. I was a mess.

    About 3-weeks ago I wrote a long email to her telling her my feelings over the past 2-years and told her that I just could not do it anymore. One of the main things that made me decide to write such an email was a quote I read, “People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention.” I had tried everything I could think of to make a friendship work. Reading this quote I realized that at one time in our relationship she showed me she loved me without using her words. Overtime, she showed me that she didn’t love me and care about me by her actions, and this was where it hit me.

    Her reply to me was cold and heartless. Thinking that she really did not read the email and “hear” what I was saying I asked her to read it again and be honest with me about her feelings. Yesterday, she replied with the same response originally and was still cold and heartless. It was then that I realized that I don’t need this kind of energy in my life and that it was time for me to really move onto the next chapter of my life. I have not replied to her and I don’t plan on it. I have had a lot of support from others through this situation and they have told me that I have put WAY too much energy into this friendship with no respect or care in return. It consumed my life.

    I read a quote last night before bed (which happens to be from the Tiny Buddha app), “I deserve relationships with people who treat me with love and respect.” This morning another popped up, “Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.” These hit so close to home for me and made me realize that my decision to move on is the best decision for me. I need love and respect in my relationships, no matter what type of relationship it is, and if someone cannot be courteous enough to give me that, then I do not need those people in my life. It is not helping me heal, recover, and grow it is just holding me back.

    Good luck with your situation. Others have been there, like me; you are not alone!

    Take care!

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