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Unrequited love with best friend cliche

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • August 4, 2014 at 1:01 am #62562
    luna
    Participant

    Hi!

    As the title suggests, I am struggling with being rejected by my best friend, and how to move on. A short summary of our relationship is that we’ve been friends for 7 years, but became a lot lot closer since we both moved to different countries two years ago. Since then we have spoken for hours (online) every day, with both of us becoming somewhat of an emotional crutch for the other. My feelings all of a sudden became stronger this year, and when we were both back home, we went on holiday together and ended up sleeping together. Shortly after this, I told him the way I feel about him, which seemed to take him by surprise. He says that although there are feelings there and he’s considered us together, he just doesn’t feel strong enough about it to want to do anything, and he came to the conclusion we wouldn’t work in a relationship.

    My real problem though, is that he’s having a tough time of it right now, and has told me how much he needs me in his life, and that he can’t cope without me. It breaks my heart that he’s upset, but I’m not sure how to be a good friend to him and deal with my own rejection at the same time. He’s both the person I want to talk to about this, but also the one causing it.

    (And truthfully, just writing this down has made me put it more into perspective. How can I necessarily expect something from someone who lives half way around the world from me, and will do for the foreseeable future).

    Has this happened to you guys? How do you deal with it?
    Thanks for any advice
    L

    August 4, 2014 at 2:02 am #62564
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Luna,

    Whilst exactly that scenario hasn’t happened to me, I can understand how it must feel right now. Cliche or not, it still hurts.

    In the past I’ve ended up in situations where I’ve become the shoulder to lean on and a psychiatrist for some men. Always there to understand and listen, but didn’t get the attention I would’ve wanted as a woman. That said, I kind of put myself in those situations and invited such treatment, but that’s another story. In any case, as I allowed that to happen, I let myself know that my needs do not matter that much and that I should always be there for other people. That’s a great source for bitterness in the long run. I felt used, unloved, unwanted… I could’ve changed it all myself.

    He telling you that he can not cope without you is kind of emotional blackmail. It is not your job to hold him together. Being supportive doesn’t mean being the only support that holds everything together. Besides, you need support and understanding right now as well. Be straightforward about that. You are a human being and it hurts when we get rejected, no matter what the reason and even if it would’ve been the right action to take. Don’t distance yourself out of revenge, but you might want to distance yourself, at least for a while, to heal your emotional wounds.

    It might do good for both of you to be more involved with other people as well for a while. Spread your attention a bit more. Being so involved with someone in such fashion can lead, and seems to have already led, to dependency and obsession. When you spread your attention, you become more balanced and can put things in perspective.

    Also, based on my experience, such dependency is a real romance killer, so from that perspective, he is right about it not working as a romantic relationship.

    Attend to your needs and remember: nothing is forever. Life is dynamic and things change 🙂

    August 4, 2014 at 2:21 am #62566
    luna
    Participant

    Hi! Thanks so much for your reply. I think you’re right, and you’ve put into words what I’ve been trying to make myself face up to. I think sometimes you just need someone to tell you what you’re already thinking.
    I find it hard not to get myself into these situations. I naturally form quite intense bonds with people, which is something that I’m generally grateful for, but in this situation perhaps has backfired, as it has ended up as some form of dependency.

    Thank-you for the reminder that nothing is forever. I hate absolutes and yet I masochistically force them from other people. I definitely need to take a step back and breath and calm down 🙂

    August 4, 2014 at 2:24 am #62567
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello there Luna:)
    From what I have understood from your summary is that your friend may be a little bit confused himself, he wants you all the time and leans on you in the time of trouble yet doesn’t think you would work out in a relationship? So my guess is he really is just confused and doesn’t know how to feel about the situation , but to be honest you should think of yourself a little bit more than you think of him and I suggest you move a little bit away from him and not be as close as you used to be , at least until you recover from your own pain of the rejection. By taking care of him and how he feels and stepping on your own heart you are just going to hurt yourself and it is not going to be easy for you to get over this at all. I would talk to him about it though and explain to him that you just need a little bit of time alone to sort things out in your mind. You can listen to him when he needs you but try not to over do it for your own sake, you need to be able to think of your feelings in this as well and watch out that you don’t set yourself up for another heartbreak .
    Hope I helped!
    Alpal

    August 4, 2014 at 4:05 am #62569
    luna
    Participant

    Hi Alpal,
    That helps a lot, thank-you! I think you’re right and he may well be confused. The issue of needing me in his life (but not in a romantic way) is quite hard to deal with. I feel like I’m fulfilling the role of girlfriend without actually being one. However, I know that I can’t count on his feelings changing any time soon. I have to get on with my own life and dealing with the things which I know have made me more negative than usual recently (changing careers and feeling isolated in a small town). I will take some time off from him and see if I can sort myself out first.

    Thanks! 🙂

    August 4, 2014 at 5:22 am #62571
    Anonymous
    Participant

    We can’t change other people so let us look at your choices. Why would you even consider this. In my case I have considered long distance relationships, or stayed in bad relationships, in the past based on Fear. Fear that this person who may/could love me now will be the only person who will ever love me. If I let this person go then I will not get another chance at love and I will be alone the rest of my life and regretting it.

    It is not true but that is how it felt at the time.

    August 4, 2014 at 6:09 am #62572
    luna
    Participant

    Thanks, I agree, we should not let fear control us. I think it’s hard to realise this when so much emotion is involved. I am just confused about how to be a good friend in this particular situation. I think it is best to sort myself out first.

    August 4, 2014 at 6:40 am #62574
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Yes I feel you understood my point exactly 🙂 I is just something to meditate on.

    August 4, 2014 at 5:49 pm #62625
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Luna,

    Luna, I really feel for what you are going through. Not that we measure because it would be cold hearted, but when I read your story a couple times, I feel that you have been making a lot more and larger emotional investments in this relationship. That’s not to say he has not been there for you at all – you spoke of long communications – were you getting involvement and help on your life issues?

    It seems only healthy for you, and a kind of test for him, if you do as suggested by Alpal. That is, take more time for yourself and other aspects of your life.

    I know this is your world right now eclipsing the rest of the universe, but it’s time to step back and take in some of that universe. It seems this perspective can only help you. Does this make sense?

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
    August 5, 2014 at 12:54 am #62659
    luna
    Participant

    Hi Big Blue,

    Yes, it makes sense 🙂 He has always been there for me however, it was never just a one-way thing. I have just told him that I will take some time apart to focus on myself. I can definitely see that there is a dependency for me because not having him to talk to makes me feel sick. I see that this is unhealthy though, so this time apart can only be a good thing.
    On a more uplifting note, I made the start of some positive changes in my life yesterday and I’ve realised that maybe this situation is the catalyst to becoming the better person I keep telling myself I want to be!

    August 5, 2014 at 10:49 am #62699
    Heather
    Participant

    Hi Luna,

    I have to say that your situation hits close to home for me. I too have had a similar experience with my best friend. We were really close for 2-years, hooked up, I had a lot of strong feelings, she said she did, but then grew distant at the same time. We ended things romantically almost a year ago and tried to be “just friends.” Things started getting weird and she was growing more and more distant and was still playing with my head. I was a mess.

    About 3-weeks ago I wrote a long email to her telling her my feelings over the past 2-years and told her that I just could not do it anymore. One of the main things that made me decide to write such an email was a quote I read, “People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention.” I had tried everything I could think of to make a friendship work. Reading this quote I realized that at one time in our relationship she showed me she loved me without using her words. Overtime, she showed me that she didn’t love me and care about me by her actions, and this was where it hit me.

    Her reply to me was cold and heartless. Thinking that she really did not read the email and “hear” what I was saying I asked her to read it again and be honest with me about her feelings. Yesterday, she replied with the same response originally and was still cold and heartless. It was then that I realized that I don’t need this kind of energy in my life and that it was time for me to really move onto the next chapter of my life. I have not replied to her and I don’t plan on it. I have had a lot of support from others through this situation and they have told me that I have put WAY too much energy into this friendship with no respect or care in return. It consumed my life.

    I read a quote last night before bed (which happens to be from the Tiny Buddha app), “I deserve relationships with people who treat me with love and respect.” This morning another popped up, “Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.” These hit so close to home for me and made me realize that my decision to move on is the best decision for me. I need love and respect in my relationships, no matter what type of relationship it is, and if someone cannot be courteous enough to give me that, then I do not need those people in my life. It is not helping me heal, recover, and grow it is just holding me back.

    Good luck with your situation. Others have been there, like me; you are not alone!

    Take care!

    August 6, 2014 at 1:25 am #62742
    luna
    Participant

    Hi Heather,

    Thanks so much for sharing! It’s always a relief to know that you’re not the only one going through a certain situation (although at the same time, the less people that experience it, the better, I guess…!). Especially when it feels like the end of the world when you’re in the middle of such a situation. I think that this quote “Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve” rings very true to me. In my case I can’t say that he doesn’t love me (in some way), or that he has treated me completely without respect, but I guess it hasn’t been with the full respect that I deserve. In your case, you are absolutely right! You absolutely do not deserve this kind of negative energy and response, and I you’ve made a great decision to let it go. Now you go on and thrive 🙂

    Thanks once again for your kind words 🙂

    September 28, 2019 at 8:53 pm #314923
    Vesper
    Participant

    Hi Luna,

    How is it going right now? are you okay?

    I just want to know how it turns out. Similar thing has just occurred to me. I had a guy best friend for 4 years now. It’s been 2 years since I realized I had romantic feelings for him. Sometimes, I think he also likes me, but other times it’s clear that he just sees me as best friend.

    He’s so special to me. We were always there for each other through our highest highs and lowest lows. Actually, he’s the only friend I had that I can trust with everything since I really am not an open book. I know he cares about me a lot. but several time he explicitly talked about things indicating he didn’t love me the way I want it so bad. I’m really such a mess right now, can’t think straight. Then I stumbled on this post, so I just want to know did it work?

    Thanks

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