Hi Prash,
Thanks a lot for asking, I have seen my therapist and I have a better insight of what is at stake. I will try to maintain my focus on things that I can have control on.

Hi Anita,
Yes, there was no drama in my previous relationship, we are still in contact and I still want the best for him, I really hope he will be happy in his life. And he wants the same for me. I am grateful for the moments we had together.
I agree, I also do think after some dating that someone with a secure or a more anxious style would better suits me.

With the current guy, he has not answered yet, I am not sure he will answer, though. I think he has still some issues he needs to work on, as I do on my own. I think he made one step closer two weeks ago and freaked out, that’s why he If he doesn’t answer, I think it is for the better, I don’t want to open to someone who is not able to answer me. I don’t blame him, he has certainly his reasons. If he does, I will then decide based on the new information he will be able to give me. It is strange because when I see myself in this current situation i can’t believe I was in a healthy relationship for that long, but I know that every relationship has its own flow.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your insights.

Helen

Hi Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to answer. I didn’t calmly write what we have exchanged. I ask him he wanted to meet, he said he was busy and then going to holidays. I then replied that is fine and wish him good holidays and ask, between us are we fine or do you have things to tell me? I prefer a clarification rather than asking myself if he was trying to make some space, avoid me or being really busy. I can’t know without asking him.

I do understand your questions, though. When I said I tried, I mean I tried to let go, to not ask myself too many questions and tried to date casually. i can’t deactivate my anxious mode but I can’t keep asking questions to myself about him and making the answers as well for him.

It is because I don’t feel myself in this anxious mode that I am okay with it ending. I learnt amazing things, I had good times and laughed a lot, but maybe our two attachment styles are too different to let the relationship unfold at its pace.

Helen

Hi Prash,

Thanks for your suggestion. I am examining my inner critic and it is stunning how many things it has to say and how mean it is. According to it, I am not lovable, not attractive, not interesting enough. I know deep-down that it is not true, that my real self is lovable, attractive and interesting but I am shocked by how harsh this inner critic is. It made me cry to realize how I was and still am talking to myself.

Hi Mark,

Yes, thank you for suggesting that and for this article, it is always nice to keep that in mind. I read two books on Attachment styles (Too close for comfort and Insecure in love), they don’t have exactly the same denominations but the ideas are similar. I think he is dismissive, no need for love, with low anxiety and high avoidance and I am more fearful, conflicted in love with high anxiety and high avoidance. I feel I am in constant tension between being too close or too distant, and adopting the same ways of communication. He is not a texter? I won’t text. He doesn’t introduce me to his friends? I don’t either. I am working on that with mindfulness, still baby steps!

Hi Anita,

Thanks for sharing this experience with the bird, it is another way to see the fear that I haven’t been able to see, the fact that it is special and it will give us the confidence to do it again with less fear. I will try this approach.

I can see that I have to rebuild inner peace after this episode but I am grateful for your advices, listening and understanding.

Helen

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your message. I have been practicing mindfulness by reading books, doing meditation, journaling my anxieties. I havent’t mentionned that before but I have seen a psychologist for the past three years. I have made some space for my critical inner voice so i can’t detach my real self from my antiself and ego.  I made some progress and it reflects on my relationship with this guy i am dating.

I had a great night last week but yesterday he was very distant, physically and emotionnally. I don’t know if he sees us as just casual dating or if he has difficulties to engage in a love relationship. I know I am fearful avoidant, so when the other person withdraws, I tend to withdraw too, I am afraid of asking what is happening because I don’t know if I see things that have no ground in reality and caused by my insecurities or not.And when I am in this state, I find it very difficult to deactivate this mode, to do all the things that I do to be mindful, I just feel very tired emotionnally to fight the critical inner voice and insecurities.

Helen

Thanks a lot, Anita. In fact, I have a question – how to stay focus in the present but still nourishing a relationship? Because if I really listen to the advice to be present in the moment: in the present time, there is no anticipation, so does it mean that when he is not there by my side, I should live as a single person?

I ask this question because I was in a long-distance relationship before, and texting was a big part of maintaining the connection. However, this person is living in the same city, is not a huge texter as I mentionned before. So each time I want to write him, I pause: do I write him because I want to verify my self-worth? do I want to see him? What are the reasons?

And I guess in my mind, few messages = poor communication, lack of connection. However, I know that each relationship is different. I think my old schemes and ideas are still resisting…

Thanks Anita for taking the time to answer me, I am grateful for that. I agree with the things you suggest, i can feel that step by step is the way to make this relationship grow, and give me the opportunity to grow.

You are right, when I feel strong anxiety, I want a quick and, in general, straightforward answer and action even if I know it is not the right call. But sometimes, especially when I think and feel there is distorsion between my emotional attachment and his, I feel difficult to maintain this attitude and path.

I will try small, casual conversations with him, it is something to work on. I like how you phrase “cautiously vulnerable”, I guess I read the word vulnerability so often and because I am usually an “all-or-nothing”, I am learning to see all the different shades or layers.