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Fear of rejection/avoidance – new relationship

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  • June 28, 2018 at 8:38 am #214571
    Helen
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I have already spent a lot of time on tinybuddha and the forums and I have finally the courage to write thanks all the good vibrations that I feel in this community.

    I have been dating someone from a dating app for 3 months. We were in long-term relationships before. He seemed to have suffer a lot from his previous relationship. We are having a lot of fun dates (concerts, art exhibitions, outdoors, etc.), have a lot in common and I can sense a true connection. But he has been ambiguous from the beginning, telling me that he may become attached to me, but doesn’t want to engage as he suffered too much in the past and he is not very responsive by text messages.

    From my side, I had and still working on my fear of rejection and avoidance attitude in love relationships, to grow self-confidence, self-love, and be complete as a whole person, not waiting for another person to fulfill me, to feel enough. I feel I have learnt a lot these past months and I am still learning to understand my feelings and emotions. I was a people-pleaser, always paying attention to everyone except me. We haven’t discussed yet about the our relationship and I think we have carefully avoided the conversation. Now, I try to listen to what my gut-feelings say, but still, I don’t know if I should put energy in this relationship or be back being single.

    Thanks for your insights.

     

     

     

     

    June 28, 2018 at 8:59 am #214591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    I wonder if he succeeded so far in not getting emotionally attached to you (I don’t think this is much of a subject of intent). And I wonder how emotionally attached you are to him.

    Can you specify why you are considering ending this relationship?

    anita

    June 28, 2018 at 9:58 am #214597
    Helen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you very much for your message. In fact, I don’t really know, he has introduced me to some of his friends recently, he can say cute things but also being avoidant, offering me to see other guys on dating apps (for what I understand, he was in an open relationship at the end of his last relationship but wasn’t a good experience). I don’t know how to interpret that, whether he wants to just want a casual relationship or ne in an exclusive relationship.

    To be honest, I like him, he is independant, sensitive and easy-going, I am considering to really try to be vulnerable with him, but I think it triggers my fear of rejection (related to childhood) so I try to protect myself, even if I know that being vulnerable is the only way to have a true and deep connection with someone.

    I have the feeling that I spend so much time, reviewing the situation, the dates we have, what he said, what I said, that it is exhausting. I don’t know if it is my mind that speaks and thinks that because I spend a lot of time thinking about that, it means I am not ready, or because my mind is scared to fall in love. Or that the other’s person ambiguity is a clear signal that he justs want a casual relationship, and then I don’t think that it is what I am looking for. I don’t want to find my one soulmate, but a person who wants to really try to be with someone.

    Helen_

    June 28, 2018 at 10:55 am #214601
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    You are welcome. I think better than being vulnerable to him is to be cautiously vulnerable, that is, vulnerable in small doses, a bit here and a bit there. After a bit of vulnerable expression wait for his response, or lack of and evaluate it, then proceed.

    Same with discussing the relationship, better start with a small conversation, present the matter with as casual tone as you can. A talk here and a talk there, nothing heavy duty. This will be a middle ground between not talking about it at all and talking in a way that will overwhelm him and you.

    Try to focus on getting to know him. When he shares something with you, ask him a question about what he shared, a gentle question aimed at understanding better. People do like to be understood, so I would think he will be motivated to help you understand him, bit by bit, over time.

    When we are anxious we tend to see things in n all-or-nothing way. And we want a quick solution to our anxiety. Ending this beginning relationship will put an end to some of your anxiety, for now, but it will be back in the next relationship. This beginning relationship is an opportunity for you “to grow self-confidence, self love”. It is within a relationship that we really grow in these ways, not outside a relationship.

    You wrote that you spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship and you are exhausted. You will be less exhausted if you start those small, casual conversations with him and gather information that way. There will be less possibilities to think about as you get specific information from him.

    Anything that threatens you about his ambiguity, it will threaten you less if you know more about his ambiguity, shine light on it. In the dark we are scared. In the light, way less.

    I hope you post again. In about fifteen minutes I will be away from the computer for the next fifteen hours or so.

    anita

     

     

    June 28, 2018 at 2:53 pm #214625
    Helen
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for taking the time to answer me, I am grateful for that. I agree with the things you suggest, i can feel that step by step is the way to make this relationship grow, and give me the opportunity to grow.

    You are right, when I feel strong anxiety, I want a quick and, in general, straightforward answer and action even if I know it is not the right call. But sometimes, especially when I think and feel there is distorsion between my emotional attachment and his, I feel difficult to maintain this attitude and path.

    I will try small, casual conversations with him, it is something to work on. I like how you phrase “cautiously vulnerable”, I guess I read the word vulnerability so often and because I am usually an “all-or-nothing”, I am learning to see all the different shades or layers.

     

    June 28, 2018 at 4:01 pm #214629
    Mark
    Participant

    Helen,

    The exhausting thing about relationships is how we get into our heads and worry about it.  The practice of mindfulness and being in the present moment addresses this.

    Appreciate the moments you are with him.  Appreciate the moments when you are not with him, i.e. pay attention to the here and now rather to him when he is not with you.

    You (and he) can worry about your fears from past relationships or you can focus on appreciating what/and who is in front of you in the here and now.  Baggage and our past is hard to leave behind I know.  Hence that is why being mindful and being present is called a practice.

    Mark

    June 29, 2018 at 5:25 am #214691
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    You are welcome. When you get impatient in this relationship or distressed otherwise, you can post here and I will remind you of your own expressed intent “to see all the different shades or layers”- well, see more of all the different shades and layers.

    anita

    July 2, 2018 at 8:11 am #215109
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Mark, dear Anita,

    Thanks a lot for your positive and mindful messages. I can feel that mindfulness is a practice, and it is a real effort to look at old schemes and just let them go. I also think that we ask for lessons to learn, and I can see that even if sometimes I resist, life gives me the opportunities to grow. He is leaving for holidays so this will give me plenty of time to practice mindfulness and work on the anxiety state.

     

     

     

    July 2, 2018 at 8:17 am #215113
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    You are welcome. I wish you a good mindfulness practice today and every day. It is necessary in the managing and healing best we can from anxiety. Feel free to post anytime. I would like to read about your mindfulness practice, your relationship and any other topic that matters to you.

    anita

    July 2, 2018 at 8:50 am #215121
    Helen
    Participant

    Thanks a lot, Anita. In fact, I have a question – how to stay focus in the present but still nourishing a relationship? Because if I really listen to the advice to be present in the moment: in the present time, there is no anticipation, so does it mean that when he is not there by my side, I should live as a single person?

    I ask this question because I was in a long-distance relationship before, and texting was a big part of maintaining the connection. However, this person is living in the same city, is not a huge texter as I mentionned before. So each time I want to write him, I pause: do I write him because I want to verify my self-worth? do I want to see him? What are the reasons?

    And I guess in my mind, few messages = poor communication, lack of connection. However, I know that each relationship is different. I think my old schemes and ideas are still resisting…

    July 4, 2018 at 3:08 am #215313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    You are very welcome. You wrote that you ask yourself before texting him: “do I write him because I want to verify my self-worth? do I want to see him? What are the reasons?”

    My thoughts: problem is you are anxious and it is a beginning relationship, not much to it yet, no meeting of the minds and hearts yet, no commitment yet. So when you want to text him, you are reaching out for the kind of relationship you do not yet have.

    This is what you definitely want: “a person who wants to really try to be with someone” and a person who is as emotionally attached to you as you are to him (“there is a distortion between my emotional attachment and his”). It is possible that a man will be as attached to you, at this point, as you are to him. That would have calmed your anxiety a lot. It is this gap in attachment that feeds your anxiety.

    “On paper”, better get to know him over time, have those small conversations, proceed with cautious vulnerability. But in practice this may be too difficult for you. It may not work out for your benefit because of your specific anxiety.

    It may also be that even if and when he becomes emotionally attached to you, it may not be the right relationship for you. You don’t know him well enough, not yet.

    You asked: “how to stay focus in the present… no anticipation… does it mean that when he is not there by my side, I should live as a single person?”- I think so, yes. Even he suggested that you meet other men, so there is no commitment yet.

    Why not date other men and date him (while not being physically intimate with any man) until there is a mutual commitment of exclusive dating with one man? I would say that exclusive dating commitment is a first step to a relationship that is not casual.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    July 4, 2018 at 6:56 am #215357
    Helen
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughts.

    I get that this is the gap in attachment that feeds my anxiety. I can feel that when I don’t ask myself too many questions and go with the flow, it turns out well. I dated other guys at the beginning of this relationship but I didn’t feel at ease doing that. The other person I dated was more into texting and reassuring but I felt that he was similar to me in his reactions, so it was interesting to see how I can react in relationships.

    I prefer seeing my friends, doing outdoors activities that focusing and spending my time too much on dating.

    I feel that there is a lesson to learn, I want to find a balance between being avoidant and wanting the connection. I have been with someone for 8 years but I was too afraid to have a real connection, to commit, to live in the same city, even if we understood each other very well and spent very good quality time together. I know my anxiety is something that I am working on, willing to work on, and maybe this relationship won’t last, but it will help me to understand me better and lead me to healthier relationships.

     

    July 4, 2018 at 7:10 am #215369
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    Reads like dating other men while dating him is not a good idea for you. And reads to me that you are motivated to work on your anxiety in the context of this beginning relationship, to gain some understanding as a result of it, no matter how long it lasts, so that it becomes a healthier relationship and/ or leads you to healthier relationships.

    I think that practicing mindfulness is going to be a great help for you, more of it than you practiced so far. There really is not enough of mindfulness- you always see more and more, learn more as you go along. There are articles on the home page on mindfulness, under BLOG. There are many resources on mindfulness, it is a very popular topic and very much a part of modern psychotherapy (U.S., at the least).

    I hope to read more from you, anytime.

    anita

    July 26, 2018 at 6:41 am #218805
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your message. I have been practicing mindfulness by reading books, doing meditation, journaling my anxieties. I havent’t mentionned that before but I have seen a psychologist for the past three years. I have made some space for my critical inner voice so i can’t detach my real self from my antiself and ego.  I made some progress and it reflects on my relationship with this guy i am dating.

    I had a great night last week but yesterday he was very distant, physically and emotionnally. I don’t know if he sees us as just casual dating or if he has difficulties to engage in a love relationship. I know I am fearful avoidant, so when the other person withdraws, I tend to withdraw too, I am afraid of asking what is happening because I don’t know if I see things that have no ground in reality and caused by my insecurities or not.And when I am in this state, I find it very difficult to deactivate this mode, to do all the things that I do to be mindful, I just feel very tired emotionnally to fight the critical inner voice and insecurities.

    Helen

     

     

    July 26, 2018 at 7:54 am #218811
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Helen:

    Good to read from you again.

    You wrote, “I am afraid of asking (him) what is happening because I don’t know if I see things that have no ground in reality and caused by my insecurities or not”- ask him, how else will you know. But ask him in a way that will not alarm him or distress you much. Instead of, let’s say, telling him all your thoughts, all your concerns over a particular matter, ask him instead: what did you mean by that?

    You can tell him that you need to check your assumptions at times, and that you will be asking him at times what he meant by this or that, that it will not be a confrontational question but instead, a simple request for information.

    It will be a good idea if he does the same. Lots of conflicts between people in all kinds of contexts can be prevented and lots of personal distress can be resolved if people check their assumption by asking a simple question, and receiving an honest, simple answer.

    anita

     

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