Home→Forums→Relationships→Fear of rejection/avoidance – new relationship
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July 31, 2018 at 2:43 pm #219753
TrueParticipantDear Helen
There is a man out there that is going to love you and your anxieties enough to make them go away. Forever. I’ve read these post and from what I can tell you have a beautiful and full heart. One that is a gift. Be true to yourself dear. If there is any question that this man might not be right for you cut the tie and start over. You have a lot to offer. He’s out there girl. And he’ll treat you like a queen when you find him.
-True
August 1, 2018 at 2:07 am #219815
HelenParticipantDear True,
Thanks a lot for your kind message, I appreciate you took the time to read the posts and send me this positive message.
Helen
August 1, 2018 at 2:27 am #219817
AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
I re-read some of your posts hoping to get a better understanding of the guy. You wrote: “he has been ambiguous from the beginning, telling me that he may become attached to me, but doesn’t want to engage as he suffered too much in the past…offering me to see other guys on dating apps… I had a great night last night but yesterday he was very distant, physically and emotionally… I offered him to see each other this week and he is busy.. Not offering any suggestions to meet.. ask him if we were fine or does he have something to tell me?”
In your posts in this thread I didn’t detect anger. I detected fear, of course, anxiety. I am thinking that he may be angry, and it is anger (which originates from fear) at having “suffered too much in the past”, anger at the people who caused him to suffer, that may have motivated him to suggest you see other guys on dating apps, maybe. It may be anger that motivated him to become “very distant, physically and emotionally”, and to not offer to meet you last time you saw him.
In the books you read on attachment styles, the two you mentioned earlier, is there a reference to anger?
anita
August 1, 2018 at 6:29 am #219841HelenParticipantDear Anita,
In “Insecure in love”, the author mentionned for dismissing/avoidant people that “generally unaware of their feelings, dismissing people aren’t fully equipped to cope with emotionnally upsetting experiences. For instance when their partners aggrave them, they try to minimize or deny their anger. However, that anger continues to exist under the surface, often making them tensed and unforgiving.” So maybe it can be something that explains his behavior, because he offered me to date people quite a few times. Does he think that it will be a way to live again his pain and to direct his anger?
From what I can read from his reactions, last time we met he criticized and dismissed when I acted kindly, I didn’t change what I did but his perceptions on my kind actions changed. At my last text message, he finally answered me that he didn’t have any problem with our relationship, he felt that our relationship is going well but he didn’t know why, he wasn’t in the mood and I noticed that so he prefered to space out the dates.
I agree with him, I prefer to space out the dates too and let it go.
Helen
August 1, 2018 at 7:07 am #219847AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
I don’t know if you want to further explore what possibly motivates him, if it is the right thing for you at this time. If it is, what did he say or do that was the criticism and dismissal you referred to (“last time we met he criticized and dismissed when I acted kindly”)?
anita
August 1, 2018 at 9:16 am #219881HelenParticipantDear Anita,
When I think about it, I feel it was things that he labelled as couples or as “I am your mother and I think for you”, like preparing the meal. I like to cook and I like people coming to my place to feel at ease, I would do that for any person who comes to my place and not him in particularly. So he said something like “it won’t be good as last time” (talking about the meal). He also implied that he was clever than me. I sleep 7 hours a night and he sleeps more, and said that it is because his bigger brain needs more rest. It was a silly comparison so I didn’t pick on that.
Before that, he told me that I was generous, kind and interesting, and thanked me for being welcoming.
Helen
August 1, 2018 at 10:55 am #219903AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
I need to get away from the computer and am unable to read your recent post, will do so tomorrow when I am back to the computer, that will be in about fifteen hours.
anita
August 2, 2018 at 4:55 am #219985AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
The quote on anger you gave was: “when their partners aggravate them, they try to minimize or deny their anger. However, that anger continues to exist under the surface, often making them tensed and unforgiving”.
Reads to me that he is angry at you sometimes and under that surface. On the surface he thanked you for being welcoming. Under the surface he is angry that you are welcoming.
On the surface he told you that you are interesting. Under the surface he is angry at you and told you that your brain is small, or smaller than his.
Having referred to attachment styles, the thinking was mostly about anxiety, yours and his. But there is an anger issue here, his anger. An anxious person, you, cannot benefit being in a relationship with a man who sometimes wants to hurt you, which is the motivation of an angry person.
anita
August 2, 2018 at 5:44 am #219991HelenParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your insights, he may be angry. I don’t have much records on his previous relationships or childhood.
He is certainly trying to push me away, and I won’t pursue him. I know my own value and will continue to work on my self-confidence and self-love.
Helen
August 2, 2018 at 6:03 am #219995AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
You are welcome. I agree that you are valuable. Your intelligence, insight, grace, all these and more, I imagine, will make a good man a very fortunate one. Definitely doesn’t make sense that you pursue or chase anyone.
anita
August 3, 2018 at 3:55 am #220143HelenParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your kind message, I really appreciate.
Have a wonderful day,
Helen
August 3, 2018 at 4:14 am #220149AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Helen. Thank you for the good wishes for my day.
anita
August 29, 2018 at 5:42 am #223507HelenParticipantDear all,
I just wanted to update you as you were enough kind and willing to take time to answers to my questions.
After the last time we met, I gave him time because he told me that even if our relationship was nice, he needed more space. I came back from my holidays (a month later without communication), because I wanted to know for sure where it was going.
This month, I was able to state my needs for a relationship, what I value, what I can’t stand. I send him a message to ask if was available soon. He told me that he wanted to be honest with me and that he is dating someone else who doesn’t want an open relationship (I have never stated that I wanted something like that) and more things that justified his attitude and his cowardice.
I know that it is for the best, better to know now that he can’t be honest (I give him chances to talk to me before) and not trusted. Nevertheless, it feels painful, because I didn’t have the feeling that I gave him the sensation that he could be not respectful with me. I know that it is for the best and that there is someone for me in this world who will share the same values but it still hurts.
August 29, 2018 at 8:04 am #223551AnonymousGuestDear Helen:
I understand that you feel hurt and angry and I hope you feel better soon.
You wrote about him back at the end of June: “He has been ambiguous from the beginning”. I suppose he is no longer ambiguous, so that gives you a better opportunity to close your door on this relationship.
You wrote here: “He told me that… he is dating someone else who doesn’t want an open relationship”- that makes sense when putting it together with what you shared earlier in June, that he offered you “to see other guys on dating apps” and that from what you understood, “he was in an open relationship at the end of his last relationship but wasn’t a good experience”.
Reads to me that he didn’t give up on the idea of an open relationship, maybe considered one again this time around but his current girlfriend didn’t agree to it, so he didn’t offer it to you.
I hope you post again and that the hurt weakens and weakens.
anita
August 29, 2018 at 6:15 pm #223653
PrashParticipantDear Helen.
Take care of yourself as you overcome this hurt and emerge a stronger person.
Prayers.
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