Hello Helcat, thank you. I decided to procrastinate a bit to slow down. Laundry can wait. 😄 I’ll get back to you later. Interesting topic how pills have different effects on different people.

Thank you. That’s nice. I’ll copy it and print it. 🙂

Thank you, Anita, I understand. And thank you for your tips.

It is still January 25, 17:46

… So, sometimes I am not sure. Is it only my introversion and sensitivity or am I experiencing more serious problems?

I also should think about my diet. My diet can be another reason why I am so easily tired. I usually have a bowl of oat flakes with 1/2 an apple and 1/2 a banana + some seeds / or a few chestnuts, and kefir at 8:00. Later I usually have a bowl of rice / buckwheat + any vegetables and beans, vegetable soup with potatoes / rice / or rice noodles, or sometimes lentils with some herbs for lunch at around 12:00 and for dinner we have a bowl of vegetable salad, a slice of bread and homemade paste usually made from curd cheese+herbs+vegetables and a piece of chesee / pickled fish / or an egg at around 16:00 to 17:00. I don’t eat anything between – I am not hungry. At the weekends, I usually prepare typical Czech cakes for breakfast (sponge cake, braided bread etc.) and for lunch we usually have some meat… even though I don’t like it and usually skip it. (I am not thin or fat – I have 162cm and 56kgs)

This morning my boyfriend flew to Mexico. He has a business trip there. This time he will be there only for 14 days. I already miss him, but it is true that I need to be alone SO MUCH. I’m looking forward to being just with myself. I need to relax and get back on track – focus on mindfulness, meditation and reading.

I was invited to the second round of job interview. I am not sure if I wrote about it. I tried to contact a language school which teaches languages only by phone. The lady sounded very nice and she later asked me if I could prepare 5-minute lesson in which I would explain and practice the word “appropriate”, 10-minute lesson in which I would explain the grammar “used to” and 15-minute lesson in which I would continue practicing the word and the grammar with the student. It is a very different style of teaching than I am used to. But I have prepared a plan and I will see what they will think about it.

I was a bit nervous when I decided to contact the language school. I had to leave my comfort zone and I was worried how I would be accepted… as usual… but I am glad that when the lady didn’t contact me after our call and I thought that she simply didn’t want to cooperate with me, I took it very well and I didn’t fall into self-pity or negative self-talk. I was determined to try to contact another language school and simply try, try and try… Now I will wait and if they reject me, I will keep looking for other options. I wish I could work with animals or in nature… but there are no job opportunities of this kind here.

(a little break again)

It is January 25, 16:07…

I wanted to write this post many days ago, but I just couldn’t get to it. I have been very busy and it’s taking its toll again.
I still struggle with the issues with my energy. It seems to me that what normal people can handle normally (socialize every day, commute to/from work, shop, solve various problems on daily basis, …) I can’t handle at all. I cannot manage many things or activities in one day. Let alone for several days in a row. Because even trivial activities (such as going shopping, cooking, welcoming visitors and then going to the car service center in one day) exhaust me terribly. And as something like that kept happening for several days in a row, I felt that I gradually became completely numb. For example, I wanted to read something here, but I only saw words, but I could not understand the meaning of those words. I just saw letters, nothing else. I feel like my brain is so tired after doing a few activities that not only do I have a headache, but my brain can’t even process information anymore.

(I’ll continue later today… I need a little break from computer so I’ll go and play with our dog)

Hello Helcat,

I hope that now your life is not scary anymore and that you’re genuinely happy (because you deserve it)…even if there’s a small snag every now and then (like in everyone’s lives).

I should think about the emotions more. It is true that now in January I have been very busy and I didn’t have time or energy for mindfulness. I must get back on track again and focus to be more mindful about my emotions and how my body reacts. I do not shake anymore. When I spread my hands in front of me, they are very still. My hands used to shake so much I couldn’t hold a glass of water without spilling it. It was very bad… People kept asking me what my was wrong with me, if I was sick etc. It is actually a miracle for me I overcome that because the fear in my body was so strong I didn’t believe I could heal my body.

I have never taken any pills (not even birth control). I am a bit afraid of commercial medicine. I don’t know how medicine controlling anxiety works. BUT I do remember a bad experience with Tramal, painkiller. Once I had a headache and my granny gave me Tramal (which was very strong because she used it for chronic pain). I felt like I was locked in a jar. Everything around me was humming. Everything was kind of blurred but not in physical form, but in the way I perceived things. (?) Like I didn’t care about anything or anyone at all… I felt EXTREMLY relaxed (very strong effect of the pill) but scared at the same time (my mind panicking what was going on) because it was not a normal type of relaxation. We do not feel this under normal circumstances… And it was not a pleasant experience for me because I didn’t have control over what was happening in my mind and around me. I think if somebody takes pills… has been taking for many years… they might have absolutely different experience with emotions (??) than people who have never had any medicine. But I really don’t know. (Imagine my granny had Tramal pills, drops and a special sticking plaster filled with it… crazy!)

I’ll write more in my next post. 🙂