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October 11, 2017 at 6:03 am in reply to: I broke up and I'm not sure if that was the right things #172723
HelenaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for another helpful response.
I have managed to open up about how painful this is to several friends. It has been relieving. I realize I need to learn how to be vulnerable also when he isn’t there. It’s okay to feel a lot and show my true self.
I decided to contact him, and we will have a long talk tonight. Both of us have made up a lot of thoughts regarding the situation, and no matter where this will lead us, I think it will bring us both some closure.
I also made an appointment with a psychologist and will talk with her in a couple weeks.
Helena
October 10, 2017 at 12:23 pm in reply to: I broke up and I'm not sure if that was the right things #172649HelenaParticipantDear Anita,
Your thoughts are very helpful to me. I know that us getting each other isn’t superficial – that is deep. Me and him both being quite sensitive and feeling a lot, I think none of us would benefit on a partner that isn’t like that too – or at least willing to understand and accept that. But, I do not mean to speak for him, it’s an assumption based on how I know him.
Regarding number 2, indeed, I haven’t gotten far enough in my practice to be able to benefit from it in many areas of my life, and so especially in the relationship with him. I also noticed my ego in the way that I’d worry about how other people perceived him due to him not caring much about how he presented himself. But, that is my problem. I love him and how other people saw him shouldn’t have mattered.
I did also have a fear that since he isn’t doing any meditation or mindfulness, we would grow more apart. However, I didn’t think enough about the fact that the way I’d change, would also certainly influence him in a positive way – and so our relationship. This is one more reason I fear our break-up was a mistake.
In my childhood and teens I was dealing with a lot of emotions and I was told to just pull myself together or get yelled at for it. So obviously I was very closed in and ashamed of struggling mentally. I was dealing with everything alone up until I met him and was able to open up.
Only a couple days after our break-up, a lot of fixable issues have come to the surface for me. In the middle of it I thought my feelings for him just wasn’t strong enough anymore, but the mixed feelings seem to have come from actions we didn’t take.
Helena
October 10, 2017 at 9:51 am in reply to: I broke up and I'm not sure if that was the right things #172617HelenaParticipantThanks for your reply, Anita.
1. By him getting me a 100% I meant that I felt that he could see through me. That I can be at my most vulnerable and feel safe being so around him. I could never fake anything around him, my rich inner life visible to him. He knew when something wasn’t right or he’d know when I was genuinely happy. He also knew how to make me feel better if I was down. I am pretty sure he felt the same about me, but that is of course up to him to say. I have not felt that way with any human before – no friends, no family.
2. I feel like this dynamic came from mental health struggles and not having had the kind of support before. To one level it has helped me heal to show my anxiety to him, but for a while now, I feel like it is my ego “thirsting” for more affection and so making more stress out of everything in order to make him comfort me. Also, if we disagreed, I’d make everything worse in my head, creating more anxiety with my thoughts. Now that I can see this more clearly, I know that I can work on myself to let such feelings go before they accumulate like that. And I have already grown in that way, but noticed how I’d easily go back o my “old” self when we were together.
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