Hi Aiyana and Inky – thank you both for your thoughtful and caring responses. Interestingly, you both advise some form of engagement with my father-in-law. I will need to give that some further thought. To answer a few of Inky’s questions, my husband is definitely his father’s biological child (the three siblings are spitting images of each other). As I’m a relatively late entrant into their complex relationship, it is very hard for me to separate cause from effect. My husband was the apple of his mother’s eye (perhaps he was *her* favorite prior to the onset of MS?). His sister is functional but has a low IQ and struggles with social interactions/friendships (she needs her father more?). His brother is 10 years younger and really never experienced his mother when she was healthy (perhaps he feels closer to his youngest son because of this?). My husband’s ex-wife HATES his family and made no effort to hide this fact. All these and other factors combined may contribute to his father’s favoritism but I still don’t buy it.

My relationship with my stepchildren is very loving and strong but this did not happen overnight. The love and bond with each of his children grew at very different speeds and in very different ways. In a step-parent situation, there’s not that instant deep bond that exists between biological parents and their children. The trust and love needs to be earned and it’s not always easy, which made me doubly cautious to never, ever show any outward signs of favoritism. You have an obligation as a parent to be fair and equitable even if sometimes you feel a bit closer to one child than you do to another. In this respect, my father-in-law has failed in his role. No matter what the circumstances, he should have found a way to rise above it.

I’m reluctant to bring these issues up with him directly. First of all, my complaints would all sound a bit self-serving and petty (you don’t praise us the way you do others/you don’t send us presents/you don’t have our pictures up in your home/you don’t acknowledge our accomplishments etc.), even though in totality they paint a pretty clear picture. Secondly, my husband wouldn’t want me to. I don’t think he would want to emotionally engage a man who, at the end of the day, has hurt him time and time again. It’s easier for him to have low expectations and be in a constant state of irritability when he’s around his dad.

Thank you once more for taking the time to respond. We will keep sending him (framed!) pictures and hope one day he sees in his grandchildren that what’s so obvious to me.

Thanks,

Hester

Carlos – thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s an awfully high standard you set for friendships but it’s strikingly appropriate for my circumstance. There’s a childish quality to the lies she tells and for many years I was fine going along with her shifting realities but, as I grow older, I’ve lost interest in her foibles. Maybe I put up with her dishonesty for all these years because I assumed that one day she’d change. I thought that when push came to shove, she’d step up to the plate but we are in our late 30s now and she hasn’t and I don’t think she ever will. In answer to your question, I would not give my children to her because she is irresponsible. In the past, I would explain away her behavior because I believed she had a good heart. I never doubted her intentions but sadly I am starting to look at her in a different light. The degree to which she is reckless comes from a selfish place and not from a place of kindness. Do you believe it is possible for your life’s choices to be driven by selfishness but still be a good person at heart?

Thanks once more for your helpful answer!

Regards,

Dailymouse