Hi everyone, thank you so much for writing to me. You have no idea how this is helping me out right now. I’m still having trouble. I went to bed last night and had a full on panic attack and woke up this morning crying. Its very hard to forgive your self and to come to terms with mistakes and to not look back on the past when your hurting so much. I feel like I’m drowning and I can sometimes see this tiny light up ahead but then sometimes it grows faint. I know somewhere in my head that this is a journey worth taking I know that there has to be a good ending to this pain but its so hard to see it sometimes. I keep telling myself that I will look back on this one day and see how far I have come but it is a very lonely place to be. When it feels like the world and everyone in it has pulled the rug out from under you inevitably you fall.
Big Blue- thank you for all your suggestions. Yes the alcohol is definitely out- and on the recruiter front its kind of funny but I’m a recruiter. Ironic isn’t it-I am a human resources manager so you would think I’d be better able to cope with this job loss thing but it kind of only screws me up more right now. Knowing I know what to do and yet not having the strength to do it. Some of it comes from being embarrassed on a professional front and that makes me scared right now to speak to my peers and seek help from them. I also hated the job- having to constantly be the disciplinarian and the person who fires people and is looked at as the dreaded “principal” of the office is not always a good feeling. Hence why I am looking to change that. I’d rather help people in a meaningful way. Even though my job does have positive sides to it and I do get to hire people and help them the negative sides take a toll and seem to be what people remember most about you. I also don’t understand why my boyfriend breaking up with me is having such a huge impact on me. I think I am using it as a crutch to hide other emotional issues right now. I’m having a hard time understanding it. Why am I letting him take up my emotions instead of focusing on me? Probably because he dropped me like a hot potato with no warning or nothing after he had come back and told me he loved me and all these other things. I know I was using him to make me think everything was going to be ok when really I know that he is not the answer. Its very confusing for me and I’m beating myself up for thinking about that more than I am myself and current situation.
Al- very good sage advice- I hope that I too can look at things the way that you do now. Like you said its not an easy path and right now I’m stuck in the weeds. I don’t think I’m giving myself enough time because I’m also feeling the pressure of life. Having a job getting an income having health insurance etc. If it were only me I had to worry about I probably would not be so concerned but having my daughter puts that extra pressure on. I feel like I’m failing her too. that is a hard pill to swallow.
Bondgirl- thank you for the lovely post. I can only hope that at some point I’m as clear headed as you are. Having your heart ripped out by people you love and trust and put so much faith into is excruciating. I am desperately holding onto the thought that I will get through this. Its so hard. having to really look inside your self and come to terms with all your failures and mistakes is painful. I don’t know the time frame of when I might be able to pull myself out of this. I just want 1 positive thing to come my way even though I feel like I’m only sending out negative vibes.
One of the posts I read on this site said that we should imagine the emotional side of this as waves that come and go. not huge crashing waves but rather small lapping waves. They will ebb and flow. Right now though for me the emotion is so strong that when the waves crash they are huge crushing waves completely enveloping me in a whirlpool of despair.
When does it get easier?