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Hit rock bottom

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • June 4, 2014 at 5:08 pm #58117
    hmvg
    Participant

    Hi All I am new to this site as of today. I am going through a very rough time. I just recently was terminated from my job, took the first job that was thrown my way (even though I hated it) and ended up walking out on it. To top it all off in a moment of weakness I called my ex out of pure stupidity and we got back for a little while then he dumped me in what seemed like a very calculated attempt for him to get retribution for when I broke up with him. I feel so lost right now and scared and hurt and angry. I should mention that I am a single mother in her 30′s with an incredible 13 year old daughter. My heart just aches to think that I might not be able to provide for her or give her all the things she wants.
    I have been reading a lot on this site and others to help me through this. I know that I was not happy in my current career, I also know I put a lot of expectations on what I thought my life was supposed to be. I also put a lot of expectations on others to make my life the way I wanted it to be. Enter the ex boyfriend. We have been off and on for close to 4 years. It was not a health relationship and I was to scared to leave for many reasons- financially, emotionally and worst of all because I thought that he was responsible for my happiness.
    This is all very new and raw for me right now. All of this has happened with in the past 4 weeks. One bad situation after another- bam, bam, bam. I know that I need to change, I know that I was not listening to the world around me or the clues or anything really. I was surviving on fear and anxiety and what I thought was supposed to be.
    After this weekend where after not eating much for days ( I’m an emotional non-eater) I finally broke. My ex was being a complete ass to me, my career was in shambles and I felt like the loneliest person on the face of the earth. After reaching out to friends who them selves are going through major transitions too I didn’t feel like I was getting the support that I needed. I also was not exactly telling them all that was going on in my head either. I was embarrassed! Embarrassed I had been fired, embarrassed I called the ex after they saw what I went through with him time and time again and embarrassed to be this low. To be honest I still feel that way a little even though I am trying to work through it.
    So back to the break down- like I said after an emotional roller coaster where I felt like everything was spiraling out of control I decided to make some margaritas for who knows why- to calm my nerves, to make me forget, to not feel any pain- the same reasons I am sure many people turn to a drink when the going gets tough. Needless to say I got rip roaring drunk- yup me all alone with my cat drinking to forget. Then the worst happened- I spilled my glass. Yup that was the straw that broke the camels back and had me in the kitchen getting out every plate, glass, mug I could find and smashing it against the floor while hysterically crying. I was literally at the edge. I was also sending out desperate/clingy/emotional texts to my ex thinking he could show up and make this all better- take the pain away- pick me up and tell me its all going to be ok. Basically looking to him to live my life for me or to at least take control of it and make it all better.
    How ashamed I felt the next day. The mess I had to clean up, the pain in my heart and head, the embarrassment of the texts. It was a nightmare. Please note my daughter was not home for this event- I have tried my hardest to be very brave and strong in front of her as much as I can.
    That was Sunday- today is Wednesday and I am feeling a little better. I have started to look at things a little different and have started to really look at what these blogs have to say. I am trying to get control back. I realize that I was not happy at all with my current position or what I was doing at all in my career- all 15 years of it. I also know that my ex is not responsible for my happiness or the dreams that I thought my life would be. Realistically it has only been a few days since I picked myself up off the floor along with the shattered pieces of what used to be my china- luckily I have some pieces left. I am still emotional though. This is very hard- I have waves of emotion- I’m fine one minute then want to cry the next. I have started doing some things though- I get up every morning and try to be positive, I relish the time with my daughter, I have started taking long walks and am quitting smoking. All in all I know that there has to be a silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel I am just having a hard time remembering that.
    If any one out there has some good advice it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not even sure this is where I’m supposed to be posting this but needed to get it out of me. Thank you for listening.

    June 4, 2014 at 7:35 pm #58131
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Hmvg,

    I’ve been at my own rock bottom so I know how crappy it can feel. One positive is you are aware and reaching out. Every positive step forward is a plus. Accepting yourself is a positive. You shared your story, so you are accepting yourself already. Another plus.

    Now move the alcohol out of your place. I have had a food problem – if it’s not around I am not tempted to eat it. Once the alcohol is gone, another positive. Replace that escape with something healthy like a walk outside when you are feeling down. That’s a plus. Eating good food and sleeping enough are more positives. Try to do these even if you are not into it.

    Is your career something that a recruiter could help you with? If so, look on the web for recruiters. Find 2-3 and call them. Introduce yourself. Visit them so they can do their best in finding you great job prospects. I propose this approach because they are experts at this. They will identify and compliment your career accomplishments, skills, passion, goals, etc. they will coach you with little adjustments to help you. Use this to refresh your LinkedIn if you use that. Each step here is positive. More pluses. Now you have some independent perspectives from recruiters, so you are not going to sell yourself short, right? You would not want to do that again. Now you have more confidence. A big plus. While the recruiters are busy looking, contact folks who you know and say you are looking for certain work. Send that updated resume. Ask for coffee meet ups for advice. If you can’t work with recruiters, then use your initial job prospecting as feedback to make your own adjustments. But, I urge you to use recruiters because they have the contacts. This is way better than sending out 100 resumes / online applications without a contact.

    On the personal side, you are taking care of yourself and your daughter. You don’t need a boyfriend right now. It’s ok that you went back. Let yourself off the hook on that. We all take risks and sometimes they don’t make sense or pan out. Be kind to yourself and chill out. Forgive yourself. Another positive. Settle that out for another plus.

    I’ve offered up a lot of ideas here and I’ll stop at that. I’m sure the tinybuddah community will have lots more advice, especially from a young mom’s perspective.

    Big blue

    June 4, 2014 at 9:41 pm #58132
    Al
    Participant

    hmvg,

    I am sorry for your suffering. However, please know that peace and happiness are and will always attainable.

    While these experiences are difficult to handle, they exist in order to help develop our beings when we recognize the important lessons they have to offer us. I understand that it isn’t fair to be taught this way, however, the more and most difficult paths often are the ones that teach us the biggest, and sometimes, best lessons. And, in your case, don’t you believe it? Fifteen long and strenuous years have taught you much about what doesn’t make you happy and the on and off again relationship with your ex has taught you that happiness must derive from within.

    You now possess the chance to create a life to make you happy. Isn’t this wonderful? Isn’t this beautiful? And, of course it is going to be difficult. Is the path to peace and happiness supposed to be easy? Why, I only wish! However, I’ve come to enjoy the difficulties in my pursuit of these things. In the more challenging ones, I do my best to simply learn if I cannot smile. Once I calm my mind, I can then weigh upon what I believe is of worth in life and if these troubles possess the capacity of permanently halting my beliefs, my loves and my meaning of existence. If they do not, if I find that I can yet go forward, then they are of little consequence and I simply maintain my journey.

    I understand that this may not be as simple as it seems. However, similarly to when we first learned how to drive, it takes practice. And baby steps. There is no rush to find happiness. The journey is just as, and maybe more, important than the destination. What matters is not rushing to our goals but whether or not we’re satisfied in the end. Our lives are important and so we should be gentle with ourselves. And forgiving. We do not know all the answers and never will. The mistakes will continue to happen. It’s inevitable. This doesn’t mean, however, that we should yearn. One or a few drops of poison in the ocean will not entirely contaminate it. Our beings are the same. We should not allow a few difficult experiences ruin the rest of our lives because beauty will continue to exist and if we allow these few scabs to dominate our minds we will miss the view. Therefore, as my brother Matt often says, be gentle with yourself. Be loving and caring and compassionate and nurturing and slowly an even more beautiful being may emerge.

    I hope this helps and please excuse any grammatical errors I may have most likely made. Namaste to you.

    Al

    June 5, 2014 at 1:15 am #58138
    bondgirl
    Participant

    I just want to tell you: do not define yourself by your perceived failings: What matters and who you are is defined by how you come out on the other side. Hold your head up and be true to yourself and if you do not know how to do that then find out who you are. That is what I am doing. I dedicated my life to my children and they ripped out my heart but it forced me to find out WHO I WAS not just a MOM and a TEACHER; those are labels but they are not WHO I AM. Redefine yourself and perservere! What is the other option? Forgive yourself for everything! you are human……and it really hurts to be human!

    jbond

    June 5, 2014 at 3:45 am #58139
    hmvg
    Participant

    Hi everyone, thank you so much for writing to me. You have no idea how this is helping me out right now. I’m still having trouble. I went to bed last night and had a full on panic attack and woke up this morning crying. Its very hard to forgive your self and to come to terms with mistakes and to not look back on the past when your hurting so much. I feel like I’m drowning and I can sometimes see this tiny light up ahead but then sometimes it grows faint. I know somewhere in my head that this is a journey worth taking I know that there has to be a good ending to this pain but its so hard to see it sometimes. I keep telling myself that I will look back on this one day and see how far I have come but it is a very lonely place to be. When it feels like the world and everyone in it has pulled the rug out from under you inevitably you fall.
    Big Blue- thank you for all your suggestions. Yes the alcohol is definitely out- and on the recruiter front its kind of funny but I’m a recruiter. Ironic isn’t it-I am a human resources manager so you would think I’d be better able to cope with this job loss thing but it kind of only screws me up more right now. Knowing I know what to do and yet not having the strength to do it. Some of it comes from being embarrassed on a professional front and that makes me scared right now to speak to my peers and seek help from them. I also hated the job- having to constantly be the disciplinarian and the person who fires people and is looked at as the dreaded “principal” of the office is not always a good feeling. Hence why I am looking to change that. I’d rather help people in a meaningful way. Even though my job does have positive sides to it and I do get to hire people and help them the negative sides take a toll and seem to be what people remember most about you. I also don’t understand why my boyfriend breaking up with me is having such a huge impact on me. I think I am using it as a crutch to hide other emotional issues right now. I’m having a hard time understanding it. Why am I letting him take up my emotions instead of focusing on me? Probably because he dropped me like a hot potato with no warning or nothing after he had come back and told me he loved me and all these other things. I know I was using him to make me think everything was going to be ok when really I know that he is not the answer. Its very confusing for me and I’m beating myself up for thinking about that more than I am myself and current situation.
    Al- very good sage advice- I hope that I too can look at things the way that you do now. Like you said its not an easy path and right now I’m stuck in the weeds. I don’t think I’m giving myself enough time because I’m also feeling the pressure of life. Having a job getting an income having health insurance etc. If it were only me I had to worry about I probably would not be so concerned but having my daughter puts that extra pressure on. I feel like I’m failing her too. that is a hard pill to swallow.
    Bondgirl- thank you for the lovely post. I can only hope that at some point I’m as clear headed as you are. Having your heart ripped out by people you love and trust and put so much faith into is excruciating. I am desperately holding onto the thought that I will get through this. Its so hard. having to really look inside your self and come to terms with all your failures and mistakes is painful. I don’t know the time frame of when I might be able to pull myself out of this. I just want 1 positive thing to come my way even though I feel like I’m only sending out negative vibes.
    One of the posts I read on this site said that we should imagine the emotional side of this as waves that come and go. not huge crashing waves but rather small lapping waves. They will ebb and flow. Right now though for me the emotion is so strong that when the waves crash they are huge crushing waves completely enveloping me in a whirlpool of despair.
    When does it get easier?

    June 5, 2014 at 6:24 am #58150
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I feel like a lot of these experiences are relatable in one way or another to my life. Going through caustic relationships are rough, and it definitely feels like almost the death of someone whom you’ve spent your time, love and energy. I think after reading what people have posted to you thus far, Al definitely had some valuable insight into your situation (everybody has made useful points, however). You know what makes you unhappy and what you dislike, and you have the means to change most of that! I was hospitalized back in early May for a massive panic attack that left me on the floor passed out sweating, shaking, etc. This was following the end of a relationship I was in this year. My finances are shot as well, and I’m currently feeling about as alone can be while sending out countless applications over the course of the week. I smoke weed to calm my nerves, which isn’t good for me but sometimes the pain is unbearable. But I know what makes me unhappy and what makes me happy. I like playing music, writing, and blogging. That is what I’m going to do, for me, and not for the attention of others. Find comfort in what you’ve already accomplished, and for being blessed with a daughter. Regardless of any advice someone gives you, know that this too is temporary and you WILL bounce back. And when you do, don’t forget about the pain of your past situations, and use that as a guideline to make wiser relationship choices in the future. Take care!

    June 5, 2014 at 5:28 pm #58192
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Hmvg,

    You are getting wonderful advice and taking it to heart. After thinking about your quest for one positive thing coming your way, I think you can count that advice. 🙂

    Beyond that, write up a list of things you’re grateful for. I bet you will see positives on the page. I think things may start getting better when you ‘count your blessings.’

    Another idea: What can you do today to help someone else? Would this yield you some positives? Would you feel better knowing you’re helping others?

    Big blue

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