Must remain calm. Words above tearfully hit home and found they were my same thoughts.
Day1
today I start to learn to live without my partner.i hope it will be a less painful day.my strength and goals are going to be small steps.surviving today.today I’ve woke up with the decision I will mot try to be so dependant on him.im running on autopilot at the moment.i will not phone tex asking to be forgiven for an argument I was pushed into.it was my own fault I let my buttons be pushed.today I think about how to make a like on my own and be happy with it.im scared.i feel sick in my stomach.i can’t make people love me and feel things for me with me hating myself.i never thought Ide ever be here.ive put phone away instead of waiting for him.i will show respect to myself and him by giving space to reflect.i know what I want I just have to change for the better to be able to reach my goals.
Hardest thing to do is accepting.i still here alone without him.i have to accept that. Doesn’t mean my life has to stop.i have to find a way to move forward each day.

Thank you for your kind advice Marilyn.
One of my biggest desires is to feel happy and confident again without being dependant on others.everything changed for me when I woke.i remember thinking I need my life to change for the better for myself and my loved ones.everyone keeps telling me to be happy and they miss the person i was before.i feel I’ve changed but don’t know the new me.i cant go back to the happy happy person they believed me to be.i don’t know how.everything I wanted and had that made me feel happy and content is gone.i apologise day after day for offending anyone.i hate hurting people especially ones I love.i can’t seem to express myself without frustration anymore.ive become dependant on my partner and look for his approval.i genuinely do love him and feel over the moon when we are happy.i long to laugh again.i used to make everyone smile,believing its good for the soul.it made me happy.now I feel if all my positive feelings are sucked out of me and becoming bitter.i can see it.i long for my family to be happy again.since my return everything seems so dark.i try and talk to my partner and he just switches off or ignores me totally.i now get upset and said and threw things back at him I shouldn’t have.i can’t forgive myself and don’t see how he will to.i overly obsess and worry to the point I feel hysterical inside and the guilt is killing me and he knows it too,which I feel upsetting too.i need to help myself but so so lost.i feel I can’t focus on myself until everyone is ok.how much space is the right amount to give someone too I don’t know.