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Amal

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  • June 17, 2015 at 9:59 am #78388
    Amal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What are the odds that I would meet someone who’d understand my background from her own experience 🙂
    Tell me, how did you stop listening to what THEY had to say. Cause THEY seem to have a lot to say. I feel exhausted dear anita, and I’m already one to be less conforming than most of the girls who share our culture. And I’m still struggling. My father just recently started to open his eyes to the actual person that I am. Up until now I was “just a kid” or even worse, “just a girl”, a burden that needed to be PROTECTED (read: closed behind bars). I couldn’t do anything when growing up: music lessons, dance lessons, soccer practice you name it. This resulted into me rebelling against them during puberty and making the mistakes that forever changed my life. Even though I’m only 24, I feel old. I feel like my soul is much older than my peers and this makes it hard to connect with people my age. Axuda, I would like to thank you again and if there’s more you want to share with me, I’m happy to read and accept your advice. I love learning about growth cause it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that other people would have resulted into abusing drugs or even suicide in my situation. I have thought about it, I’m not going to lie, but those dark days are over now. I’m having a harder time moving forward than accepting my past.

    June 17, 2015 at 8:38 am #78382
    Amal
    Participant

    Thank you so much for both of your replies. My apologies for the delay, I’m actually from Belgium so there’s a time difference 🙂
    I really appreciate your support and encouraging words. I’ve never even complimented myself in that way. I just keep seeing myself as this “whore of babylon” who had a child at 16 and gave it up for adoption.
    I’m also Moroccan and my culture has no appreciation for this type of situation whatsoever. My family doesn’t even know, I was able to keep it a secret (don’t even ask me how cause up till this day I don’t understand how I got away with it). It just still feels so surreal… And because I’m so afraid of that judgement I’m still afraid of people. People talking smack about me, people thinking I might be weird, people thinking I’ve taken advantage of them or what not. I’m very afraid of people, when deep inside I love the company of people, meeting them, learning from them. But I’m so afraid of their thoughts and judgements in a very extreme way. It’s getting real unhealthy for me now since I’m only 24 and there’s so much to look forward to and to achieve.
    I don’t know what point I’m trying to make. I think it’s pretty obvious I’m afraid, period. Afraid of challenging myself, afraid of letting people go that no longer serve me, afraid of changing, afraid of my own greatness as a human being perhaps. I feel exhausted, I really do. And I feel like I can’t laugh like I used to. Feeling pretty down today.

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