I too, feel the way you do right now. It is a battle getting through the day at times. It varies though, some days are okay and some days are bad. Sometimes I long for the days when I was on antidepressants and felt hardly anything either side of the spectrum.  I disconnect myself from others, because I find that they are deceptive and just want to be popular and liked and aren’t true of heart, then I regret my decisions because I feel lonely. I wish I could meet more genuine people to be friends with, maybe that would help but I don’t know. I put on the jokester to make everyone laugh, but find it hard to be real about my own pain.  I am not young anymore (50ish), so I don’t know how to tell you that it will get better. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes its not.