Anita,

With some time and distance, I have some clarity. She is angry, very angry, but it is not just me that she is angry at. She is angry at work, she is angry at her family, she is angry at her friends, she is angry at school. She also does not want to hurt me. She expressed the desire for separation originally so that her feelings would change (I’m guessing her anger). She brought up divorce in that indirect way because as she said to me, what she was doing to me was not fair and she is hurting me. The friends that she keeps now are friends that spend their time not communicating – just drinking and engaging in other behavior that is distracting to the mind (and also destructive). Even those friends, she keeps at arms length and often has negative explosive outbursts towards them. She sometimes has explosive outbursts directed towards our daughter – not violent – but yelling.

She has a history of depression in the family and was even suicidal once herself. She was having a lot of sleep issues before she moved out and was ‘borrowing’ a friend’s antidepressant. She had also just come off of a diet pill known to cause depression on withdrawal. I believe that she is depressed and the anger is part of it. She is too proud to seek professional help. In the last marriage counseling session that we had before she said she wasn’t going back, she told our therapist that she was depressed, then shut down all communication. Shortly after, she told me that she told her personal therapist that she was depressed. After that, she quit going to both. I think she is choosing to be in denial about her depression and wants to get through it on her own or doesn’t recognize it as depression. The hurt that she delivers is likely outside of her control right now.

So, knowing this, here is what I intend to do (please let me know your thoughts):

1. Not take any direct action towards a divorce. Nothing different than I previously stated. If she pushes it, I will not fight.

2. Take care of myself and my daughter. Speak with an attorney to understand my options and how to protect myself and my daughter if she does file or push for divorce. Make sure my needs and wants are being met; stay healthy, do things I enjoy, try to make more friends, become energized by the things that energize me. Engage a mediator to work with both of us for a reasonable financial arrangement where I can continue to support her some but do not feel like I am being cheated.

3. Offer her love and compassion as I can and as she will accept with the understanding that she is suffering and likely cannot return it right now. If I start to get angry at the lack of response, back down and protect myself until I am ready.

4. If she ever becomes receptive to it, encourage her to seek professional help.

I see the above as a loving response. I cannot control what actions she takes and she may not be receptive to it, but that is OK. I have never regretted doing anything out of love. Sometimes I don’t like the outcome, but never regret the choice to be loving.

Anita,

She did say she wanted a divorce, in the most indirect way she could. (In retrospect, I think that is where a lot of underlying conflict and anger stems from. She is conflict avoidant and I just never knew what her wants and needs were, unless I was sensitive enough at that time to recognize it.) I noticed that she was not wearing her wedding ring when we sat down to dinner. She talked about her day, our daughter, and a lot of other things. Then her tone changed as we spoke about preparing the house for sale. I could tell that she was frustrated at me for not clearing out some belongings that we share, just as I am frustrated at her for not offering to help.

At that point I could tell there was something else that she really wanted to discuss but was afraid to bring it up. I asked her, what else? She said we needed to find a good mediator, that it will take some time and several meetings. I asked her what she meant. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted, not inform me about the mediation process. She couldn’t bring herself to say it, so I asked “Do you want to get a divorce?”. Instead of saying yes, she said that she really still loves me but she can’t live with me, that this has not been fair to me, that I keep getting hurt, and that I deserve better. I agreed with her. I told her that if she wants a divorce, that we could do that and I pulled off my wedding ring. All of this was in a very calm and non-reactive manner.

At that point, her demeanor became much more relaxed. We talked about a lot of things and made great connection. We made an agreement to have the house ready for sale by the beginning of July. She kept offering me advice to move in with my sister, which felt more like telling me what to do than advice. I told her that I don’t want to live with my sister and since she keeps bringing it up, though I know she does not intend it that way, it comes across as telling me what to do. She realized that and instead of getting defensive, she said she didn’t mean it that way and would stop offering me advice on my next living location. Then we spoke about apartment locations in the area closer to where she is living. Through this conversation, I also told her that I am withdrawing from her emotionally. She said that she didn’t want me to do that, that she was afraid it would build anger towards her. I told her that was not the case, that I am putting my emotional needs before a relationship with her, that I am putting my wants and needs before what I thought her wants were. We ended the evening with us exchanging “I love you” and me agreeing to text her when I get to her parents house. I am driving my daughter up to see her cousins this weekend.

After all of this, I felt relieved (what a strange emotion to feel, but it is what it is) and hopeful. This morning, I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I still felt some relief and hope, but now some sadness. Thoughts were running through my head as to what I should do next; remove our wedding and family photos from the walls, start packing away stuff for charity, etc. I’m not doing any of that, yet. I need time. If and when I do that, I will use it as a process to grieve. I want to both have hope and move on…

So, this gives me hope still that the relationship can be salvaged. But I don’t want my hopes to be crushed… I want to wait and move on at the same time. It looks like I have created this limbo that I am tired of being in. I think I will do both, I will emotionally detach (that will take time and effort), I will grieve, I will be open to reconciliation but I will try not to force it or expect it. All of these are difficult things, but I know I will get through it with a few tears and several trips to the gym to release frustration.

Thank you Anita. I do want to try that.

If she brings it up, I don’t want it, but I also do not want to try to control her. I think I could say something like:

A divorce is not what I want. It really hurts me. I love you and want to make sure I do my part to give the relationship every chance to recover. I cannot stop you if you want a divorce, and would like to do it amicably, but I do ask that you reconsider. Please consider giving it more time. I will on my part, give you more space. If you ever feel differently towards me, then I will be here.

What do you think?

I apologize if this post seems like it is disjointed. I am feeling very sad. I spent several hours this weekend with my wife and daughter, my daughter and I spend a lot of time together, but rarely with my wife. Things went well, but every time we started to get emotionally intimate, she either distracted herself with her phone or became angry, often times, but not always directed at me. After the weekend, I invited her to attend a local music fest with me and possibly a date night on Friday, since I already had a sitter lined up. For the music festival, she said she would invite a friend, a specific friend that she knows that I do not get along with. For the date night, she said she would think about it. I told her that I did not want to attend the music fest with her friend, a first for me since I usually just go along with her desires. She said that if her friend wasn’t invited, that she wasn’t sure she wanted to go. I told her that I would have to think about it. I have since decided, but not had the conversation yet, that I am going to buy tickets for myself alone and that if her and her friend want to go, then I want to take separate cars and she needs to make childcare arrangements since it is her weekend with our daughter.

Last night, we talked and she still seemed non-committed to the date night and that really bothered me to the point that I talked to her about it today. I told her that when we talked last night, she seemed that she wasn’t that interested in the date night. She said that she really wasn’t. I felt hurt. I told her that I really deeply love her and that I want to rebuild a romantic relationship with her, that the only way that I knew how to do that was to spend time with her and dates made sense in that regard. I told her that if she had other ideas I would like to know them. I also told her that if she wasn’t emotionally ready, I would like to know. She said “I’ll think about it”. Which tells me nothing. She then asked if this is a conversation that I really want to have on the phone. It is not, but she never speaks to me one-to-one except on the phone. I was frustrated by her lack of communication, so I told her that I thought that her anger was preventing her form seeing me for who I am, and from being able to be with me now and look past what has angered her. That she needed to process her anger (probably not the best thing I could have said) and that I could not do that for her, that I can only be who I am now, that I am not the person she knew months ago, and that she was not giving me a chance.

I also told her that it is difficult, frustrating, and hurtful for me to keep reaching out to her and keep expressing my love, only to be rejected and treated with such anger. I also told her that I do not need her, that I will be happy without her, but that I do deeply love her and want to be with her. She responded very reactively with “Well, if you feel that way, you could just file the papers”. There are no papers that we have started or filled out – obliviously referring to divorce proceedings. I asked her if that was what she wanted, because that is not what I want. She said “some days”.

I am at my emotional rope’s end. I have exhausted all of what I know to do. I have given all of the effort that I can give to this. I am faced with what I see as four options and am not sure which way to go.

1. Keep reaching out to her with loving kindness as I can. I fear this will lead to anger and resentment on my part because I get nothing but manipulation and abuse in return.

2. Do nothing. Let her know that I am angry. Intentionally avoid my people pleasing nature and avoid interactions with her, except as necessary to ensure a safe and loving environment for our daughter.

3. Make papers and sign them.

4. Some hybrid of 1 and 2 as my emotional capacity allows, show loving kindness, else protect myself, knowing that she may get upset.

I really need help understanding what to do and I also know no-one knows what I should do, but me.

As I have written this, I realize that I am not ready for 3. I can no longer do 1. Right now I need to do 2. I will eventually go to 4. I guess what I really need is encouragement to do what I feel I need to do.