Anita,

I just worry that I’m running away from things by not being in my hometown. What has been striking to me is that when I have come back I have felt this strong sense that all the worries I have in regards to this common friend group just disappears, it seems super silly and in turn H seems like a complete beephole. It is almost like two people’s perspective on the situation – one that is weak (me not in my hometown) and one that is angry for the person that has been harmed by H (me feeling stronger in my hometown). I also feel like I am eternally youthful in my new town, but that I’m not getting to where I want to be careerwise or even apartment/housewise. It’s just hard.

I’m an oddball because I am the youngest of three, my older siblings have a stronger bond to each other than I do to either of them, they are both married with children, while I’m not. I also consider myself queer or bisexual, something that gives me a different outlook on life compared to my family members. Yeah, I just feel like I need to design my way in life differently because of that.

Anita,

I also need to be away, I can continue tomorrow. I will make a list 😉

Anita,

By society, friends circle and people who date him.

Anita,

That is a very accurate description of the dichotomy. I guess wanting to believe that even though there are different sides to him, ultimately he’s good. But does that mean that because he’s a man, not a boy, that he’s beyond being good?

Anita,

No, it would be possibly terrifying to know everything others are thinking.. so best to let it rest. I mean, I don’t think I will get more validation or explanations from him. I think he knows what he did was sketchy and he’s too busy of thinking of how to cover his tracks, so I don’t really want to hear/probe anymore. I just know that he is not someone I should or should have ever trusted. The hardest part is still having feelings of missing someone like that, because I don’t want to have someone in my life that I don’t trust. So mostly it’s just frustrating to carry around these highly conflicting feelings.

Oh, no, it is not a picture of him, I don’t even know how that picture showed up, it’s a silly drawing of Mick Jagger from about 10 years ago 😀

Brandy and Anita,

Thank you for answering. It’s been very useful to me to have an outlet like this, it’s unlike any other way I’ve tried to deal with my emotions. I’ve had some time to process my own thoughts, feelings and questions and the responses I’ve gotten to them here.

I decided, in the end, not to attend the common birthday party me and my ex were both invited to. I just didn’t see the point, and felt it was indeed worth risking those friends instead of being bullheaded about wanting to prove that I could go. I don’t remember feeling any particular way about it afterwards.

I did, however, by accident, and this can and will happen, run into him at a club this weekend. So this does happen, and no, I don’t actively seek him out. I want to go to good parties and clubs and we happen to like similar places (sometimes). It was a spur of the moment thing that I went there with a friend’s boyfriend, and sure enough, he was there. I had kind of decided that this day/night was going to be a good one so I decided to have semi-friendly chats with him. It all stayed that way until the end, and it wasn’t that bad. Until I hopped on the train and began to go home, there were nonstop tears. It’s just too much to go back to this city and relive all emotions in one day.

What really bothered me on the way home, and what has lingered the most I think, is the fact that I have felt SO alone during all this time, and especially the year after he and I broke up. I happened to glimpse one of our common friends at another bar, but things are just awkward between us now since I am no longer his girlfriend. This is the part that makes it hard for me to even consider moving back to this city. I feel a lot of emotions towards the people that were around during the time that he and I dated and the years after, who did absolutely nothing to show support. Just some time to listen or ask me how I was doing would have helped immensely. It is so uncomfortable for me to be this outcast person that had to rebuild her life, simply because I didn’t work out with their friend. And in this way I think I have blamed him for creating this situation, but I also started feeling ostracized by almost the entire city (which of course is impossible, but a group of it). It was the passiveness that got to me. So yeah, I don’t think that he knows the reasons I am so mad at him, it’s bigger than him. I can tell he’s been doing at least some thinking, which is good.

I guess I just wish there was a way I wouldn’t have to remove myself from a situation and city that was fun, important and meaningful to me, simply because it makes other people uncomfortable that he and I are not on good terms. Because I doubt that we will be, fully. I lived there for five years, and it saddens me to think I won’t have any good relations to come back to if I decide to visit.

Hi Brandy,

I am already at the cringe stage 🙂 I think I’m going through the motions, but it’s more cyclical than chronologically correct (if that makes sense). I can sometimes think I’m past certain stages, and then I find myself acting like I’m back on square one again. I believe this is because of the on-and-off nature that the relationship had. I am also currently at a stage in my life where I am trying to find myself in my professional life. I also moved to another city so there are quite a lot of adjustments that are being made. On my bad days and moments I can’t help but to wish things were the way they used to be with him. Still, I can honestly say that no, I don’t want that in my life anymore, if the chance presented itself. But it’s this back and forth that is still etched in my mind that is making me feel quite bad at times. I just hope I can reach a point where I can feel content with myself, and that it doesn’t entail finding another romantic partner as fast as possible.