Valora,

“I think it might help you work through this if maybe if you reframe the situation in your mind to accept more of the responsibility for how you’re feeling rather than saying HE made you feel this way, because you are also part responsible for what is happening now for choosing to date within your friend group and you’re also responsible for how you perceive things (and usually it’s our own perceptions that play into our emotions)… so you might be really angry with yourself for putting yourself in this position in the first place. ”

This is what I am really trying to do now. And honestly, I have been rebuilding myself continuously for years in the same city, but that takes time. When he and I started dating it was such a natural inviting environment to be in and to get to know many people in a fast way. I literally felt like a rug had been pulled from underneath me when it was over and I was supposed to somehow find myself alone in this group which contained mainly his acquaintances (not all friends, maybe superficially). I think I clung on to him after the break-up because I didn’t know where to go, and looking back that was a terrible idea. He was never someone I should have had as a friend after the break-up, it was way too painful and still is. I think that messed with my expectations of him, that because we were in this grey area of friendship and sleeping together for way longer than having an actual relationship, I relied on him and yes, had expectations of him.

Hi Brandy,

Thanks for replying. One thing that I think I need to explain is that this friend group also has arms and legs and is more of a social circle of around maybe 100-200 people. It’s not that big of a city so it’s very easy for people to get acquainted through mutual friends, certain music events etc. He’s an uber social person in these specific contexts, so wherever I go there is someone that he knows. I just feel like it’s effed up (for a lack of a better word) that I should have to move to another city in order to feel secure and away from him, whilst he barely understands or reflects on the consequences of his actions. I mean this is what builds the rage in me. That I am moving away to avoid one person and all the people that I associate with him, and thereby also losing my priorities of what I want in life. I feel like these emotions have taken over every aspect of my life, even professional life. I don’t know how to trust my gut about anything anymore, and I feel lost about where I’m going. And I’ not getting any younger, so I just feel a stress building up all the time because I’m not moving on from the feelings I have in regards to what happened between him and I.

Hi Mark,

This is all true except for the girlfriend who is not part of the group. She lives in another country but they visit each other (as I understand it). So yeah, it is hard to move on, I feel like I need to recreate my social life in so many ways.  I always feel uncomfortable when he’s around in common circles but now I also have to fear that she’s going to appear somewhere with him as well. I don’t think he understands the kind of domino effect he’s created. I’m the one that has to change my life on so many levels, whilst he just lives on.

Anita,

Yes, I think that could be a possibility, she doesnt require a lot of work or attention etc etc… So I am probably just banging my head against the wall. It’s who he is, and I have been hoping that he could be different because we had such an intense connection. It just makes me sad that he wasn’t willing to do more for us to work.

Anita,

I don’t know.. I have two quite unforgiving sisters. However, I don’t know if they should be dragged for this.

One thing is that I always knew he was going to be bad for me, ALWAYS. It was almost like I was looking to prove it, and then later prove it wrong. And because I knew he was going to be bad, I feel in a way less entitled to harbor these feelings. I was complicit from the beginning in a way but of course I still don’t think he has the right to do the things he did. It just is complicated when intellectually you have all these observations and yet with your emotions you give in to someone. It just doesn’t make sense when it’ all over.

Anita,

We did have quite a lot of conflicts.. It could be small things, that apparently I asked something the wrong way or claimed something and he wouldn’t stop pushing me on it, to explain myself or basically making me feel like what I said was wrong or to make me admit that I didn’t know what I was talking about. It could also be from my side that he was constantly wanting to go out, I mean every Friday and Saturday, all-nighters, and also during some weekdays. I felt (rightfully so) neglected and after a while a bit burned out, so I would try and make him see my side of things to which he would just say I could go home earlier and he would come later. No compromise there.

Well, to me, silencing someone by not acknowledging their emotions or reactions to what they do, i.e ghosting and gaslighting them, are ways to create a narrative as well. Silencing someone’s feelings gives you power over a narrative. In this case it was basically me not having any rights to have feelings or emotions of anger or frustration or whatever negative since we were not an exclusive couple any longer. Even though we were still sleeping together, going out etc. Basically minimizing the time I invested in us. He’s a very, very manipulative person in this way, and it is actually quite likely that he doesn’t understand that he is some of the time. This behavior just kind of runs on autopilot.

Anita:

I know in order for him to move on with his life and make sense of his decision to go back to his ex, he apparently needs to compartmentalize what happened with me and categorize me as an “other” in front of our friends. That’s what hurts and that’s what is embarrassing to me. It erases what we had. I feel like I’ve just helped him on the ride back to his old girlfriend. Sort of like without me he wouldn’t be with her now, I became the glue for them to stay together.

His presence in the group is quite strong, but I’m not a pushover or silent person either. I’m definitely not usually the one to stay back, especially if someone is starting to have bullyish behaviour. So this whole thing perplexes me, since all of a sudden I’m the one that’s being manipulated and made to feel insignificant. I guess I wish someone else had the guts to stand up to him and support me instead of silently supporting him. I’ve felt too weak because of him for a long time (due to my emotions).