Dear Anita,

I have a pretty good relationship with my father now. I don’t always trust him, because he’s let me down before. But I decided the other day to reach out to him and tell him what I was going through with my cognitive issues, and tell him about my MRI. He was very supportive. He listened to and acknowledged my fears, but also encouraged me to not let them spiral out of control. He even offered to pay for my therapy when he found out I was struggling to pay for it.

He has definitely done a lot to hurt me in the past. He was in and out of my life, and there was child support battle with my mother in which he refused to pay and was pretty awful to me. But I can see that he’s trying now, and I am also coming to understand what a big role my mom played in our not having a good relationship. I always thought in black and white – I had one good parent who raised me and then died a saint, and one bad parent who abandoned me. I understand now that that’s not at all accurate. He should have fought to stay in my life – I know that if I gave my husband an opportunity to walk away from my son, he would never take it. But he also was no match for my mother’s anger with him, and I don’t blame him for retreating from it.

In therapy, we are talking about the little girl I was and how alone she felt. I want to give her what she needs now, but being good to myself is so foreign to me. I don’t know how to do it. The coping mechanisms I developed are not working for me – the substance use, the sedentary lifestyle, the dissociation. I am checked out of my life.

But I have started to allow myself to see that they may be a second life for me in the future. If I can heal, I could learn to love and accept myself and I could spend so much less time suffering. I want that so badly. But I feel frozen. When I try to make changes, it never sticks. I will quit smoking or start exercising and do well for a few months, but I always fall back down. My default position is sitting still and ruminating and poisoning myself. I just don’t know any other way to be. It is so frustrating.

Do you have any suggestions about how I can attend to my inner child, and finally do things differently?

Thank you again for talking to me, Anita. I really appreciate it. I feel seen and validated.

Ilyana

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t hate myself.

My father walked out when I was three, and I didn’t have any contact with him again until I was 10 or 11. I believe that gave me the idea that I wasn’t worthy of love or respect. I hated the way I looked. Instead of dark curly hair I wanted straight blond hair. Instead of hazel eyes I wanted blue ones. I wanted to be tall instead of short. I wanted to think like normal kids and fit in socially. I felt dumb and did poorly in school. I did really well in university, but before that I was not a good student, and compared myself with others who seemed to effortlessly write good essays and do well on tests.

I was always so scared, especially of being murdered or kidnapped. Everyone laughed off my fears, and no one talked about my father. No room was made for my devastation about his disappearance. My mom would tell me we were better off without him, that she had given him an out and he’d taken it. But I would cry at night and ask why he left me and why he didn’t love me. I don’t remember ever being reassured that I was good enough, that I was worthy of love, even if he wasn’t there.

These wounds are so old and yet so deep. I am really hopeful that the work I am doing in and out of therapy will help me to heal. I want a second chance at a happy life. I can see it, but it’s on the other side of that mountain I don’t know how to climb. I think that by writing this, and interacting with you is a concrete step I am taking. But there are just so many of them that need taking…

Thanks for responding.

I know that my substance use is unhealthy, and that I do it to numb my feelings. I have tried to quit but I struggle with it. I also know that my substance use is not helping my cognitive issues. It just feels so overwhelming to contemplate stopping. These have been my crutches for so long, I don’t know how to deal with my feelings without them. I feel like self-acceptance is where I have to start.

I really appreciate the responses. It feels good to be seen, even if only virtually.