Thank you, anita. I have always appreciated reading your comments online and found them to be very insightful. Thank you for taking the time to make me really think about my situation.

Common “negative and blaming thoughts” — I blame myself for being too chicken to leave a job I hate because all of the available jobs pay half as much without as much vacation time. I blame my husband for not wanting to even considering moving somewhere else for a better job and climate. I blame policymakers for making life so simple to those who don’t work by giving them handouts. I worked 3 jobs for much of my life to get through school and buy a home. Decided that no, we can’t afford children, nor would we have ample time to love and care for them properly. I blame girlfriends who are too busy having babies and raising teens that they can’t even respond to texts asking them how they are doing and if they would like to do something. I blame the dregs of society that have made it so difficult to get prescriptions for my allergies because of meth addicts. I blame heroin users for the fact that it’s impossible to get 2 or 3 painkillers when ibuprofen just isn’t cutting it.

I’m an only child. I am childfree by choice. My life has always been a lonely road where I fought tough battles and learned a lot to achieve my goals. I had a physically abusive mother. She currently loves to brag about how she goes to church every Sunday and it makes me so angry that she is such a hypocrite. Growing up alone and with absent working parents (latchkey) and being left with a caregiver whose husband was a pedophile…. it really made life difficult in building friendships and trusting relationships. It made me hate my mother even more and it helped shape my decision to never have a child that I could possibly treat in such a poor manner.

I love my husband more than anyone in the universe. I met him when I was 30 and never thought I would ever marry anyone. There is nothing I would not do for him. He is, unfortunately, the only one around at home when I can let my guard down and release all of the anger and frustration from not having any sense of control in my life. Hence, he is my metaphorical punching bag. He becomes the target of my unreasonable screaming and crying about the most trivial of things. It kills me, but I just have to let it out and he is there for me. No matter what. I always apologize, and I know that I need help — which is why I’m so angry with my psych doctor about not taking my request for medications seriously. My husband is the ONLY person I trust and count on, but he is also my only friend — which also gives me co-dependence issues. Like I said, my girlfriends are all too busy raising families — which is extremely isolating and depressing that despite my efforts to go do things, go places, have hobbies — it’s usually by myself.

I’ll be going to a chiropractor 3 days a week for the next 6 weeks for joint inflammation. Praying so much for some relief so that the pain no longer controls my emotions and thoughts. So sick of taking pills, even tried all of the herbals, turmeric, milk thistle, fish oil, calcium, magnesium, every B vitamin under the sun…. I don’t take prescription pills lightly and have tried the “natural” ways for such a long time that I just need a crutch for a little while.

I’ve been coming to this site first thing every morning for inspiration and hope. Now I’m here to whine about how awful my life is and “poor me” which is really sad and not something I ever thought I would do. On the outside, my life is awesome — but my insides feel like they’re being torn apart. A lot of it is because I’m not living an authentic life. I’m not doing what makes me happy. I work because society expects me to do a job. Maybe it’s all just hormones and a midlife crisis, but it hurts so much that I needed to share this story and ask for advice.